Page 45 of I Always Will

Hailey cast her mind back. It had been something of an accident. She’d always loved mash and some of her housemates at uni had laughed at her ability to make a dinner based around a bowl of mash any night of the week. When that had started to sound like a challenge, she’d branched out and tried mash for other meals. It worked.

In hindsight, she’d probably been drawn to mash because it reminded her of Alexandria in a lot of ways, but she didn’t need to start digging that whole thing up.

She’d known by the time graduation was rolling around that she wanted to run her own business and that she wanted it to be food-based. She wasn’t a chef but she saw how food brought people together. Food had gotten her through her… separation from Alexandria, and she’d used it to support friends throughout uni. It just felt like the right thing to do. And mash was something she’d kind of become known for at that point.

Alexandria giggled as Hailey told her a version of it that left out how much of it was connected to her.

“It’s very you to be there for everyone through the medium of mashed potatoes,” she said once Hailey was done.

Something about her tone made Hailey flush with pride. There were other people who’d been unable to deny Hailey was doing well even as they looked down on fast food mash. Alexandria wasn’t one of those people, and, no matter what had happened between them, Hailey had always been trying to make her proud. Hearing Alexandria impressed and complimentary was like a seal of approval. Like she’d finally made it and everything was right in the world.

Of course, being around Alexandria had always made her feel like everything was right in the world. Apparently, seventeen years and a difficult-to-define relationship didn’t change that.

“Who doesn’t love mash?” she asked Alexandria. “Add all your favourite toppings to mash and you’re onto a good ‘un.”

“Even if your favourite toppings are…” Hailey could practically hear the cogs turning in her brain. “Buckets of ketchup with cod in butter sauce? Do people still eat cod in butter sauce?”

Hailey laughed. From the way she held and conducted herself around others, most people in Alexandria’s life thought of her as very proper and mature and put together, and she was those things, but she was alsothis. Hailey still couldn’t stop herself from loving every version of her. “I don’t judge you for your beans and Welsh rarebit concoction. Why would I judge ketchup-fish people?”

“It’s cheese and beans. It’s a fairly classic combination,” Alexandria argued, sounding amusingly indignant.

“Don’t act like it’s a perfectly standard combination, like cheese and beans regularly. It’s delicious, but it isn’t exactly one of my highest earners.”

“Maybe that’s because you don’t have it as a standard menu item. If you put it up there, I’m sure people will buy it.”

She might be right—Hailey doubted it, but it was theoretically possible—but they both knew why it wasn’t on the menu. Hailey knew. Alexandria had to know. Even with how much of Mash-N-Go was built on a foundation of her and Alexandria, Welsh rarebit and beans was such an Alexandria dish that if it ever ended up on the menu, Hailey wouldn’t be able to think of anything to call it other thanThe Alexandriaand there were a million reasons that wasn’t okay.

Hailey cleared her throat. “It would probably do better than ketchup-cod in butter sauce, but I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone order that and it isn’t going on the menu anytime soon either.”

“Shame. I’m sure the kids would love it.”

“And I’m sure their parents would want to kill me.”

“One of the perks of owning a restaurant?” she suggested with a laugh.

This whole thing they had going on was so weird but Hailey already felt more grounded, happier, as though a hole inside of her was being filled up again. Alexandria was still the place Hailey wanted to come home to.

She sighed heavily and listened as Alexandria adjusted her position. She had no idea where Alexandria was but, based on the rustling, she’d wager bed. Hailey didn’t want to think too much about Alexandria in bed. They’d spent so much time there together that the image came too readily and was complicated and confusing in a way neither of them needed right now.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Alexandria asked softly.

Unlike when some people asked that, Hailey knew she could refuse. Alexandria wouldn’t take it personally if Hailey wasn’t ready or didn’t want to talk about the things that bothered her—big and small. It had been like that when Hailey’s parents had come up last night. Alexandria had insisted Hailey didn’t have to talk about it, but it no longer bothered Hailey. She knew she was better off without them and it didn’t hurt anymore. Of course, it had been gratifying when Alexandria had gotten angry at them for their whole ‘it’s fine to be gay so long as you don’t talk about it or act on it’ thing, but Hailey really was over it. And she was happy to discuss it with Alexandria. Alexandria was safe and patient and understanding, and a million other things that made it safe to refuse but simultaneously made Hailey more willing to talk.

And so she did.

She ran through everything that had gone wrong that day—mixups in supply and execution; someone calling in sick at the last minute and Hailey missing her break to cover, and then just continuing to cover so she’d worked all day without eating anything; how tired and drained she was; the three customers who’d had bowls made and then changed their minds about what they’d wanted…

Then, she hesitated. “This one’s a bit… uh… weird talking to you about.”

Alexandria’s breath hitched. She moved in what Hailey assumed was a bid to cover her reaction—too late, but still an attempt. “Whatever it is, you can talk to me about it. It might be weird but we have been through a lot together.”

That was such an understatement. They both knew it.

Hailey blew out her breath. “It’s really nothing, and I can usually handle it, I’m just tired today.”

“That’s entirely valid,” Alexandria said. Her sweet understanding made Hailey long even harder than usual to have her back. Back in a way that was more than this odd, fragile thing they currently had, born of necessity more than anything else.

She wanted to be understood and supported. She wanted Alexandria to hold her, and debrief their days together. She wanted to laugh together, to sit in silence together.

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