Page 46 of I Always Will

She missed the silence. They’d always been so comfortable in silence together. Of all the things they were currently getting back, they didn’t have that. If they sat in silence together, it would be too much. They’d both be remembering and yearning and unsure of what to do. So long as they kept speaking, they could pretend.

“There’s a customer at the shop,” she said, feeling heavy and like she might cry. It was entirely unlike her. She swallowed around it, determined not to cry.

“Okay,” Alexandria prompted, concerned when Hailey didn’t continue.

“It really is nothing. I don’t know why it’s bothering me today.” She huffed. “She’s been trying to set me up with her granddaughter for months.”

“Ah. I see.”

“Yeah…” Hailey shook her head. It was ridiculous discussing this with Alexandria, but when had they not been ridiculous? “I’ve met the granddaughter a couple of times. She brings them in sometimes. They’re very lovely and sweet, but I’m not interested.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Of all the things going on at the minute, it’s hardly that serious.”

“If it’s bothering you, it’s serious. It doesn’t matter whether you can handle it any other day, it doesn’t matter if there’s other stuff going on, what matters is that it’s bothering you, and talking about it might help.”

Hailey wriggled around on her chairs, mostly lying down at this point. It was so late. She wanted to go home and snuggle up in bed, just as she thought Alexandria was doing. She could just sleep here, but her hips and her back wouldn’t thank her tomorrow. And she needed food.

Alexandria was so good, so kind, and she cared so much, even about someone she hadn’t spoken to for seventeen years. All Hailey could really think about was how much she wished she could be going home to her. She’d probably have tea and food ready for Hailey—just as Hailey would for her on the days the roles were reversed. She’d wrap Hailey in blankets and snuggle up in bed with her and the whole day wouldn’t matter because she got to go home to Alexandria and tomorrow was another day that they’d face together.

This wasn’t a bad consolation prize, she supposed. It was a million times better than what she’d had a month ago. But, come tomorrow, they’d be facing different days, in different places, as two people who had known each other once upon a time. And, for that reason, this conversation needed to be light and inconsequential.

“I’m just sick of declining and then going back to being asked again,” Hailey said, pitching her voice to convey that it was a mild inconvenience as opposed to something that was weighing so heavily on her today. Tomorrow would be better and she’d feel more comfortable knowing she didn’t open her whole heart to her almost-ex. “And I could do without my staff making wiggly eyebrows at me every time she comes in and asks me when I’m going to call her granddaughter. Have you ever had a whole team of people wiggle their eyebrows at you simultaneously? It’s weird as fuck.”

Alexandria laughed awkwardly. “Uh, yeah, a couple of times, actually, and I’m sorry it’s happening to you.”

Hailey paused. Her eyes snapped open again. The desire to ask burned in her throat even when she wasn’t sure she wanted to know. “Who’s been doing it to you?”

She rolled her eyes at herself. Of course she was going to ask. She had terrible self-control around Alexandria Daley.

“Oh. We really don’t need to—”

“I want to know.” She shouldn’t, but she did. She was ignoring all of her previous thoughts about keeping things light and distant but she didn’t care. She wanted to know everything.

“Just, well, just some guy at work. Everyone was trying to get us together but I wasn’t interested.” It was obvious she felt awkward talking about it but there was also that edge Hailey had felt in herself—that need to tell the other everything from the last seventeen years. They were drawn to each other and they fit. They worked together in a way Hailey doubted either of them did with anyone else.

But that didn’t mean there wasn’t anyone else.

“You were interested in someone else?” Hailey asked, knowing she had no right to. “Dating someone else?”

“Oh, no,” Alexandria said, alarm clear in her voice, even as she tried to control it. “No, no. Nothing like that. I just really wasn’t interested.”

Something in Hailey felt soothed, much like when she’d realised Alexandria wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. “Well,” she said, relaxing into the chairs again, “anyone would be lucky to have you.”

Alexandria scoffed. “Thanks but there hasn’t been anyone since…”

Hailey listened to her cut off as if she’d realised what she was saying. She must be tired if she was saying things without thinking them through. They were both tired, maybe they’d both forget this conversation by morning, forget the things they’d each revealed. Part of her hoped for that, the other part was dancing. She didn’t need Alexandria to finish the sentence to know she’d meant since them. She shouldn’t really be happy about it. When they’d gone their separate ways, she had wanted Alexandria to live a full, happy life. She’d known that meant romantic partners—not for everyone, sure, but she and Alexandria both wanted that. The fact that Alexandria hadn’t wanted that with anyone else made Hailey feel better about the fact she hadn’t either.

At first, she hadn’t been interested in anything romantic ever again. She imagined Alexandria felt the same. As the years dragged on, the yearning for it had come back, but it had always been Alexandria. She’d assumed that, eventually, missing and wanting Alexandria would go away, and she’d be able to date other people. Or that someone would come along one day who could snap her out of wanting Alexandria.

Seventeen years later, it hadn’t happened. She’d begun to make her peace with it. Her life was full in so many other ways, she didn’t need a romantic partnership.

And then Alexandria had come back and, with her, came a million glances of all the things Hailey wanted, just out of her grasp.

It was comforting to know Alexandria felt the same, that she had been going through the same thing. It also caused something dangerous to take root in her stomach. Hope.

She shuffled in her seat, sitting up. She needed to be more awake, to adjust the conversation. They couldn’t talk to each other like this—soft and sleepy and honest. Not yet, at least.

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