Page 38 of I Always Will

“But she’s here,” Hailey said, knowing she was being more than a little whiny.

“I assumed,” he said, audibly smirking. “Have fun.”

“You’re the worst.”

“And yet you love me.”

“Fine. I do. But I’m not happy about it.”

“Sure you’re not.”

She hung up and forced herself back out to the front. It wasn’t until she got there that she realised she hadn’t even told Farid the date of the wedding. He must be getting information from Alexandria about it.

Fifteen

Eighteen years ago

Alexandria’s foot bounced nervously under her desk. She was sure several other people in her class were nervous, too, but she doubted it was about all the same things. They were, after all, in the middle of a presentation about polishing their personal statements for university applications. It was a stressful thing to do, a stressful time to be in.

Not everyone in the room would go to university. Yesterday, they’d had a presentation about writing cover letters for jobs—with more to come throughout the year—but today was about universities. And, given that the October 15th deadline for some places was coming up fast, they really had to get on it. They’d been working on them for months, but it was time—time to polish and finish and submit.

With submitting came decisions. Decisions on where you were applying and what would happen if you got in.

For as long as she could remember, Alexandria had dreamed of going to Edinburgh. She’d seen pictures and shots of the city and the university when she was younger and it had felt so magical to her that she couldn’t help but feel drawn there. Delighted that she wanted to study maths, and eager to encourage what they saw to be a serious pursuit, her parents had been more than willing to take her to open days. She’d gone to the local ones, the ones that were away but close enough to visit often, and then she’d gone to Edinburgh.

She’d struggled to explain it to Hailey. They’d talked about how she had always loved Edinburgh and wanted to go, but it was only when she’d mentioned that they would be attending the open day that she’d realised Hailey had thought she just meant she wanted to visit it for a holiday, not go to university there. It had been an awkward moment, but Hailey had eventually laughed it off with a joke about how it snowed more in Scotland, Edinburgh was famously hilly, and did Alexandria really want to spend her uni years slipping down pavements?

Alexandria had awkwardly laughed along, agreed she probably would fall over a lot, and headed off on her weekend trip to Scotland filled with trepidation. If she loved it as much as she’d always suspected she would, what would she do? What would happen to their friendship and… whatever it was that they were these days?

Of course, she loved it. For so long, it had lived inside her, been a cornerstone on which she was building her dreams and her future. She’d been doing it for so long that she’d honestly wondered, as their car sped north up the motorway, whether it could possibly live up to what existed in her head. It had become like a fairytale, a magical world that couldn’t be as wonderful in real life as it was in her head.

Then they’d arrived.

It had been late on a Friday night that they’d pulled into their hotel. The city was lit by warm, soft, glowing windows and streetlamps and it was every bit the fairytale city she’d dreamed it to be, only it was better because it was real. Unlike in her fears where the realness had ruined the dream and she had to find a new goal, a new city, a new dream, Edinburgh in real life was everything she wanted and more. It was stepping out of the car and stepping into her new life, she could feel it.

But where was Hailey in that life?

Hailey was staying near home. That had always been her plan. She’d still be moving into halls and not staying right at home, but it was close. A number of people they went to school with would still be in the area, they’d be going to one of the city’s two universities, and they’d probably still see each other around. Edinburgh wasn’t part of that.

But even with how much Alexandria loved Hailey, she couldn’t bring herself to give up on her dream. She’d gone to bed that night—in an unfamiliar hotel room that somehow felt right—excited and anxious and doubtful and guilty. Right before she’d fallen asleep, she’d told herself to wait until tomorrow to worry. Maybe the city was great, but the university wouldn’t be right for her. She’d been on enough open days at this point to know how some universities clicked with you, while others didn’t, even if they were the perfect fit for someone else.

The bell sounded outside the classroom door and their teacher wrapped the talk up quickly, dismissing them into the hectic flow of students out in the corridor.

Grateful that she had a free period following such a loaded talk, Alexandria headed straight to her favourite computer room, relieved when she found it mostly empty. She took a seat at a corner computer and signed in, opening her personal statement.

The statements were sent to all of the universities you applied to, so hers wasn’t specific to Edinburgh, but the whole time she’d been writing it, it felt like it was for them. Every line was designed to get her in there. Of course, if she got rejected, she would be lucky to get into any of her other choices. But they weren’t Edinburgh. She tried to think of them all equally, to want them all equally, but she couldn’t shake that Edinburgh felt like it was in her bones.

It was a complicated feeling. Every time she thought about it, she felt sick with guilt at betraying Hailey. She hadn’t lied about how much she’d enjoyed Edinburgh during the open day, but she hadn’t been completely honest about how right it had felt there either, how she’d connected with a couple of other people looking at maths courses, how the buildings had felt like home and she could see herself walking those halls and studying in those libraries, and how she loved the city and its hilly, cobblestone roads.

She was sure Hailey knew she would be applying there but they didn’t talk about it, and she wondered whether Hailey hoped she wouldn’t get in so they could go to university together. She wondered whether she should be hoping for that too, whether it made her a bad person to want Edinburgh the way she did.

Logically, she knew Hailey had a class this period, but she couldn’t help looking around nervously. She carefully pulled her bag from under the desk and up into her lap. She opened the main compartment and pushed her folders and books out of the way to find the Edinburgh prospectus she kept in there. She’d had one through the post for ages, but she’d picked this one up whilst at the open day. Since then, she’d carried it around in her bag, sneaking looks at it whenever things became too much and she needed to remember what she wanted, what she needed.

It didn’t always work. She wanted Hailey too. Why was it so hard to have both?

She jumped as someone dropped into the seat beside her.

Farid winced, only slightly amused. “Sorry.”

---