Page 32 of I Always Will

She opened her mouth to speak.

Nothing came out.

It wasn’t like her. She prided herself on knowing what to say, on having answers, but when it really mattered, she had nothing.

For the first time ever, she felt like she was taking a test and failing it. And, even with how important all the tests they took in school felt, this was the most important one of her life. And she still didn’t have the answers.

Hailey was still stroking her face and it felt like a film with the soft caress and the rain and the bass-like pounding inside her soul and the feeling of standing on the precipice of something incredible and terrifying and the whole world changing around her.

She felt like she might pass out. Especially when Hailey’s expression became increasingly worried the longer it took Alexandria to find the words.

“I promise that, whatever it is, we’ll get through it together,” Hailey said, forcing a sad little smile.

“Will we?” Alexandria breathed. She hadn’t planned on saying it out loud, but she couldn’t hold it back. The first words she’d found and they gave her away. They were the words of the deepest, most desperate desires of her heart. She was no longer speaking based on reason, she was fueled by emotion, and it was entirely different than anything she’d ever felt before.

Hailey had changed Alexandria’s whole world, her whole life, her whole self in a million ways she’d never understand but couldn’t bring herself to regret, no matter what happened next.

“Of course we will,” Hailey said, determined. “It’s you and me. Daley and Davis. It’s always going to be us.”

Alexandria thought she was going to cry. It was everything she wanted to hear, everything she wanted.

But was it real?

She took a deep, shuddering breath. “I… Well, I’ve been… I mean, lately…” Breathing felt needlessly difficult.

Was being in love always this hard? How did people handle it? Why did they even want it when it was this difficult?

She shook her head. She knew the answer to that, it came to her every time Hailey looked at her for just a little too long, or laughed, or when she lost herself in her favourite songs and closed her eyes, taking in every note, every beat, like the experience took her to another place entirely.

“Yes?” Hailey urged quietly, and Alexandria wondered whether she knew what was coming. She didn’t know how she could, but there was something rigid about her posture and an edge to her voice that made Alexandria wonder.

“I have to…” She squeezed her eyes closed. “I have to tell you something… about me. About…”

The tension around them made her worry the climbing frame might burst apart, leaving them scattered among the wood chips on the floor. She wasn’t sure whether that would be better or worse than their current situation.

“You can tell me anything,” Hailey said, her voice catching in a way that chased Alexandria’s panic even higher. “You know I love you. I always will. You’re my best friend.”

Best friend. Nothing more.

So loved and yet not at all in the way Alexandria desperately wished for.

But it was better than nothing. And she couldn’t walk things back now. They’d come this far. The only way remaining was forward.

Or passing out. That felt like a very real possibility.

“I think I’m…” Alexandria winced. She didn’t think it, she knew. She knew who she was. She’d tried hard to be different, but this was who she was. And she was okay with it. She could own it. “I’m… not… straight.”

The second of expectant hesitation, while Hailey waited for more and Alexandria waited for a response felt sharp as a knife.

“Okay,” Hailey said, cautiously. “That’s great.”

The whoosh of relief and hope that flooded through Alexandria lasted the briefest of moments. Hailey wasn’t going to hate her for being bi. But that was only part of the story. And the terror at the rest cut through her, hard and cold and imposing, sending her back into swirling panic after the shortest of breaks.

She nodded. “It’s not just that.”

“Is it that you like someone?” Hailey asked, working hard to catch her eye, but Alexandria couldn’t handle that. “It’s okay if it’s not a boy.”

“It’s not a boy.”

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