Page 31 of I Always Will

Twelve

Nineteen years ago

Alexandria watched as Hailey jumped off the bus into the deluge of rain, laughing like she’d never been more alive. She followed after Hailey with less enthusiasm, wincing as the cold rain hit her and immediately began saturating her clothes.

She groaned softly, knowing they had a ten-minute walk back to her house and that they’d be soaked and frozen by the time they got there. She couldn’t believe she’d forgotten her umbrella. They’d talked about how much rain was incoming on the weather last night. She’d sat in the living room with her parents, sipping tea, and watching the TV, and she’d mentioned how she’d need to take her brolly with her when she went to town with Hailey.

And then she’d somehow forgotten.

Up until they’d gotten on the bus to return home, she thought they’d gotten lucky and would make it home safe and dry. Then the downpour started.

Hailey looked at her, light in her eyes and her red hair wild already. “Come on,” she yelled over the pounding rain, grabbing Alexandria’s hand and taking off running.

Confused, Alexandria went with her, unwilling to be dragged to the ground and through a puddle. Her heart pounded erratically with her hand in Hailey’s. She didn’t even care that her fingers were becoming numb and painful with every ice-cold raindrop that hit them.

Hailey led them through the gate to the park and across the playground to the climbing frame, clambering up and into the sheltered part of it. The walls were half open, so some of the rain still penetrated the inside, but, so long as they stayed in the middle of the tiny castle, they managed to avoid most of the blustery weather.

Alexandria couldn’t remember the last time they’d been here. When she was younger, her parents would bring her a lot. When she and Hailey first became friends, they’d come a few times together too. But now, at sixteen, it had been quite a while.

She rubbed her cold hands together, huddling close to Hailey and feeling a complicated mixture of nostalgia and longing and jitters. In the time since she’d realised her feelings for Hailey, she hadn’t been able to work up the courage to mention them. She did her best to continue acting platonically and normally around Hailey, even with as much time she spent imagining them being something more. She yearned for the moments they spent together. She regularly pulled out their marriage contract to look at it, to run her fingers over Hailey’s signature, and imagine them married. She felt on top of the world when they were together, especially when Hailey touched her or they were close together.

Now, pressed against each other in this place that had, for so long, been alive with childhood dreams and memories, everything felt oddly heightened. She had no idea what to do. Her insides twisted between wanting to tell Hailey and wanting those feelings to never see the light of day.

Hailey laughed her beautiful, mesmerising laugh. “I figured this place was close and would be a little bit drier, at least for the time being.”

Alexandria swallowed awkwardly. “It is that. Still a bit chilly, though.”

Hailey giggled, edging impossibly closer. “Budge a bit closer. We can share body heat.”

Despite the rain and the cold, Alexandria felt her face flame. She hoped Hailey would assume the cold was causing it, but she couldn’t deny to herself that it was Hailey being this close, wrapping her arms around Alexandria, and pulling her into her chest. It was everything she wanted, but it felt wrong.

Her arms ached to wrap around Hailey’s back, to hold her close and breathe her in. But Hailey didn’t know.

She was rigid as a board as she mentally chastised herself. She’d known for over a year how she felt about Hailey. They hung out almost every single day. There had been so many chances for her to tell Hailey who she was, to tell her how she felt, and allow Hailey to decide whether she wanted to be so close with someone who liked her romantically.

Hailey leaned back slightly, looking at her. Her whole face was heavy with concern. The sight of it made Alexandria feel sick. Hailey knew too much.

What was she supposed to do? Should she pull back? Tell the truth? Break free of the embrace and run away?

She wondered what use running away would do. Her body wanted to carry her away from this moment, but the lid was off. The words might not have been uttered yet, but Hailey clearly knew something was wrong. If Alexandria ran away now, it would still ruin things. Hailey would be hurt and confused and it would be all Alexandria's fault. And, eventually, she’d have to explain anyway. Then, she’d have hurt Hailey twice, and for what?

“Are you okay?” Hailey whispered.

Alexandria’s breath was coming faster. She wasn’t sure if Hailey was breathing at all. Despite the half-open sides of the climbing frame, the space suddenly felt tiny, enclosed, and lacking oxygen.

She cast around for any other reason she could give for her tension, for her weirdness, for every moment of weirdness she’d caused over the last year by being attracted to her best friend.

While she was sure Hailey was conceptually okay with gay people, none of their friends were gay—or at least, they weren’t out—and she couldn’t help the fear that, if she told the truth, Hailey would hate her for everything she was. She’d tried to help it, she’d tried to be straight, but it wasn’t going anywhere. Deep down, she was certain there was no way for it to. This was who she was. She’d be okay with Hailey being upset and angry with her for the secret crush she’d been nursing without saying anything, but she had no idea how she’d handle it if her best friend hated her for something she couldn’t change.

Hailey’s frown deepened and she moved one hand from Alexandria’s back to gently cup her face. Both her hand and Alexandria’s face were cold, but she still jumped as Hailey’s soft hand connected with her cheek. She’d imagined this exact thing too many times. It was like the universe was conspiring to torment her with all of her wildest dreams right before it stole them all away.

Hailey stroked her cheek softly. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. I promise it’ll be okay.”

It wouldn’t be okay. None of it was okay. But Alexandria still had to tell her.

The rain pounded on the roof above them, somehow even louder than Alexandria’s heart. They’d learned about pathetic fallacy in school and she was fairly certain this was it in real life—the clouds were crying for her.

Her brain jumped around between a million random, unimportant, ridiculous things. She didn’t understand what it meant or what she was doing but she wondered whether she might die, whether this was her life flashing before her eyes.

---