Page 104 of The Drummer

But the longer she searches my face, the softer her stance becomes.

“I’m sorry, Callie… I…”

Emotion creeps into my voice, and I choke it back. I don’t have words. I have nothing. I’m going to lose her and I don’t know how to stop it.

I lock my fingers above my head as stray thoughts assault me from all sides. Memories, fears, past and present, they dive-bomb me in one massive attack. All I can do is close my eyes until they swirl into a single message.

And when they do, I only have one choice—complete honesty.

“I don’t date, Callie.”

“Not ever?” she asks in surprise, because she knows that’s not true.

“Not seriously.”

I drop to the end of the couch, as if the mental weight has finally trampled me. I can’t even stand anymore. She pauses, then tentatively takes a seat a few cushions away.

I pull in a breath and compel myself to continue. “My whole life has been spent witnessing one endless string of bad relationships. I grew up watching my dad beat my mom, older siblings getting dumped, older siblings wrecking others by dumping them.” I shiver at the next image. “Then the finale of Luke and Elena.”

I tip my head back and dissolve into the cushions. Just that small moment of peace is enough to keep going.

“Luke was my best friend, Elena my closest sibling. When they started dating, I wasn’t surprised, but I was terrified. I knew Luke. I knew he couldn’t be what Elena needed. And I knew Elena couldn’t handle what he was. I tried to warn them. I…”

Shit. I can’t crack. Not now. I’ve held it together for so long. I’m not going to break.

I rub my palms on my face, fighting the emotion. The memories.

“Tell him I hate him! Tell him I never want to hear from him again!”

“Elena, please, just?—”

“No! Don’t even try to defend him. You’re my brother! You’re supposed to be onmyside!”

“It’s not that simple. There’s the band?—”

“Ah! Then I hate you too!”

Click.

I clear away the memory. There are so many. A constant looping vortex that eventually sucked them both into the abyss.

“Anyway, they wouldn’t listen to me. They were both so in love with each other, it didn’t matter what anyone said. There was nothing I could do but brace myself and watch the disaster unfold.”

My eyelids slip closed again. Heat burns behind them, and I know I’m losing the battle.

It’s too much pain, too much loss to carry. I pull in a fractured breath, trying to clear my lungs, but it’s no use.

I know when I speak again the words are going to come out as broken as I feel, but there’s no other way to tell this story.

“And that’s what I did,” I scratch out. “Watched for three years as the two people I loved most in this world absolutely destroyed each other and themselves.”

I find her again, needing her to understand. She might be the only person who can.

“Do you know what that’s like?” I blink back threatening tears. “It killed Elena, and now it’s killing Luke, and I swore I’d never do that to someone else. I would never, ever, hurt someone I loved the way they hurt each other. The way my dad hurt my mom. I don’t know how else to do that except to stay away from them.”

I lean forward, elbows on my knees, and hide my face in my hands.

I’m not surprised when I hear movement. She’s probably running away from the disaster in front of her. I don’t blame her. In some ways it’s what I want. In all ways it’s what I expect.

---