Page 24 of This Is Who I Am

“Goodness, Cass,” Estelle says, her hip against the counter. “I understand if this is a little perplexing.”

“No, I mean, yes… we agreed this wasn’t a date, but then you flirted and… I don’t even do this anymore.” What a thing to say.

“I like you so much,” Estelle says. “I’m interested in you for, um, so many reasons. Some of them…” She shakes her head. “Not… that acceptable.”

It’s like every time Estelle tries to explain something to me, a brand-new mystery is created.

“Come on.” I march back into the living room—I need to get out of the kitchen. I nod for her to follow me. I quickly refill our wine glasses and sit in an armchair that only has room for one. “Let’s talk,” I say.

CHAPTER14

ESTELLE

I can’t tell Cass that something she said made her—in my own way—irresistible to me. Although, come to think of it, it would be wholly dishonest not to divulge it. I didn’t come here to trick, nor kiss her—let alone seduce her.

“There are so many things about you that appeal to me,” I say honestly. “I don’t mean your cooking, although that’s magnificent. That goes without saying at this point.” I might have hammered on it a bit too much in order to hide some other emotions. “I like that you’re straightforward. I like that you know what you want. I like that you’re very honest about the stage of your life you’re in. I like your sense of humor and your kindness. Your respect for me and what I told you.”

“Jesus.” Cass fans her face with her fingers. “Way to make a middle-aged lady blush.” She’s no longer in a mood to mess about, though, that much is crystal clear. “All of that sounds very acceptable. Like music to my ears, actually.”

I shake my head. “I’m sorry. I can’t tell you. Not tonight.” She might very well run for the hills if I do.

“I can’t make heads nor tails of you.” Nothing Cass says ever sounds unkind. Her words are always tinged with a softness that is addictive. “Can you tell me whatyouwant?”

“Maybe we can go on a proper date? One that we call by its right name from the start.” I put all my warmth in the smile I send her. “If you want.”

“We certainly would have a lot to talk about.”

I take it that means she has a lot of questions for me. It’s not a yes, however.

“So, you want to go on a date,” Cass repeats what I just said. “Even though you’ve said several times that dating isn’t on your to-do list and you’re undatable.”

It’s confrontational to hear my own contradictions repeated back to me. Cass is right. I did say those things. And then I kissed her.

“I do.” I take a sip of wine and wish it was something stronger, like that brandy from yesterday.

“To what end?” she asks.

I’m not the only one in this room who’s been hurt. I bet Cass’s heart has plenty of scars as well.

“I would like to get to know you better.”

She huffs out some air. “I don’t know if you’re being coy or just honest. It’s driving me up the wall.”

“I’m not being coy. I’m being as honest as I can be.” I take a beat, then swallow what I’m about to say next.

“I want to, Estelle… Of course, I do.”

“But?”

“You confuse the hell out of me. I don’t know what to think. You’re one big mixed signal. A very pretty one, at that.” She shakes her head. “I know it’s not sex you’re after. And why would you, with the likes of me?”

How I wish Cass wouldn’t refer to her body as though it’s become some useless burden she has to carry around. But I get it.

“I’m sorry for being confusing. You might not think so after tonight, but I actually prefer things to be obvious and clear cut. Yet, confusion and a certain level of chaos is what I end up projecting.”

“To be blunt.” Cass shifts in her chair. “After what you told me, I didn’t think kissing would even be on the menu.”

“It is.”

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