Page 105 of Beautiful Broken Love

I looked at him one last time, and before my eyes could fill with tears, I closed the door and walked away.

FIFTY-FIVE

DEKE

When I was thirteen, I remembered, Camille had once burst into our house, run up to her room, and thrown herself onto her bed. She buried her face into purple pillows and sobbed while our mama stroked her back and told her she would be okay.

I stood at the door watching, confused as to why she was crying so hard over a boy she’d only been dating for a couple of weeks.

“My heart is broken, Mommy,” Camille had whined, and I remembered thinking how stupid that sounded and how dramatic she was being.

Hearts can’t break. How does that even feel?I wondered. I was fortunate enough to grow up not knowing that feeling with a significant other. But when I woke up in that bed and saw Davina was gone, I felt exactly how my sister had that day when she’d stormed to her room.

It starts off small, a wave of disappointment followed by mild frustration. But as you sit with it, it snowballs into something bigger, something monstrous, and suddenly your eyes sting and the center of your chest aches, and it literally feels like someone has stuck their hand down your throat and ripped your beating heart out.

I sat in a chair on the deck, hunched over, with my face in my palms. The cool air nipped at the bare skin on my back, and though goose bumps were on my arms, I didn’t shiver.

My heart was pounding alone, yearning for a woman who wanted to be as far away from me as possible. All it wanted was her, but she was gone, despite me stripping myself bare and laying it all out for her. Despite me trying desperately hard to prove that I loved her.

She’d made her point. Her decision was to walk away. So be it. That was it.

Truth is, grieving people hurt in a different way. Sometimes we punish or blame ourselves. We act like we don’t deserve good things when we lose someone, because good things mean happiness, and happiness means moving on, and no one wants to move on from what’s familiar to them.

No one wants to face a new chapter after such devastation or fill themselves with fresh ideas and perspectives. Some people cling to whatever is left of their old lives, even if that means pushing everything else away.

I should know. I was one of those people.

When I looked up, focusing on the lake and the gray clouds in the sky, hearing the thunder roll in the distance and the leaves rustle from the wind, I came to the most heartbreaking realization of all.

No matter how badly I wanted Davina Klein, I was never going to have her the way I wanted.

Her heart belonged to a man I couldnevercompete with, and I was simply an obstacle she had to conquer so she could cling to whatever was left of him.

FIFTY-SIX

DAVINA

When a week passed since the lake and I hadn’t heard from Deke, I wasn’t surprised.

But whenanotherweek crept by and there wasn’t a single peep, I drowned in guilt and immediately wanted to call him.

After the way I’d bolted, I couldn’t blame him for not reaching out. I did that a lot—bolted when things got complicated. I was tempted to text him sometimes while at work to check in with him and see if he was okay, but I knew he wasn’t. Texting him would’ve been torturing him, and I’d done that enough.

During that last night with him, I developed a feeling I couldn’t quite put my finger on. It was a feeling that made me question the love I’d shared with Lewis and the years spent with him.

It contradicted what I’d told myself the day of Lew’s funeral about melting in another man’s hands. Deke had lowered my guard completely in such a short span of time, and for a split second, I felt safe because it was only us.

No one else was around.

No one could interrupt.

I could be me, and he could be himself.

It was perfect ... but maybe a littletooperfect, if there was such a thing.

Regardless, that safety with him scared theshitout of me.

I lowered the wand of my mascara, studying my reflection. So put together on the outside but a mess inside. With a huff, I stuffed the mascara into my makeup bag and left the bathroom to find my shoes.

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