Page 104 of Beautiful Broken Love

“Why?”

Ugh.Why couldn’t he let this go? Why couldn’t he letmego? How could he not see that I wasn’t worth it? That he deserved more? That just like the other men in my life, he would probably be taken from me, too, if I gave in to him?

I couldn’t risk that. The thought of itpetrifiedme. If another person I cared about got snatched away somehow, my mind wouldn’t be able to handle it. I stared at him for a moment and shook my head. There was only one way I could think of to make him let go.

“I can’t be here, Deke. I can’t sit here and pretend that all this shit I’m doing with you is okay, because it’s not! I lost myhusband. He was ... he was supposed to be the love of my life, but now you’re hereand you’reso perfect, and I just ...” I cupped my mouth as the tears thickened. My throat felt raw, like my vocal cords were on fire. “I just have to go, okay? This whole thing with us has just been too much, too fast, and—”

“You’re scared,” he stated, and there was a hint of agitation in his voice. He may as well have called me a coward to my face.

“You’re right!” I shot back. “Iamscared! I told you that from the beginning!”

“But what are you so scared of, Davina? I’m right here! I haven’t gone anywhere!” His voice had risen in volume to match mine.

I zipped my bag and slung it over my shoulder. I started for the door, but he stepped in front of me and blocked the way.

“No. Don’t fucking run this time! Tell me the truth. What are you so afraid of when it comes to me?”

“Everything, Deke!” I yelled, glaring up at him. He blinked down at me like I’d sprouted another head, but he didn’t startle, didn’t flinch. “I could hardly love Lewis the right way, but I knew when I met him, he was the one for me, okay? He was the one I was supposed to take care of, to nurture, to fuck, and whatever else a wife is supposed to do! I’m not supposed to be with a fuckingbasketball player! I’m not supposed to be with a guy who treats women like objects—who makes a game out of catching a grieving widow and having his way with her because he can!”

Deke flinched this time and staggered backward like I’d slapped him. I felt horrible, but this was good. Now he’d know I wasn’t perfect, that I wasn’t the woman for him. He could let go. Move on ... even if it hurt.

“Wow,” he said, so low it was more like he’d expelled a breath. “How long have you been keeping that bottled in?”

I swallowed salty snot and tears as I tore my eyes away. I couldn’t look at him. I’d only cry again. I was hurting him, I knew this, but I had to. Hehadto find someone else.

“You know what, Davina? One thing you said about me is true. Ididhave a point in my life where I treated women like objects. I madeit into the league and became a man who gave zero fucks, because I didn’t have to! For once, it wasmylife and I was in control, so yes, I did whatever the hell I wanted, with whoever the hell I wanted, because I felt like it! But do you think that shit made me happy? Do you think I wanted to be with women whose names I couldn’t even remember the next morning? With women like Giselle, who don’t give a single fuck about me? Do you think I would be standing here right now explaining all of this to you if I was just some man who wanted to make a game out of catching awidow? Do you really think I’m that selfish—thatpetty?”

He took a step closer, and my pulse swam to my ears.

“Davina, I know you don’t want to hear me say this, butI love you, all right? And there’s nothing you can say that’ll change my mind, because you’re speaking out of anger and hurt, and I know those feelings. Iembodiedthose feelings for years. Angry all the time, pissed off at the world, wondering why it had to be my brother, wondering what the hell I did to deserveanyof what I went through.”

“No,” I whimpered, backing away. “You don’t. Youcan’tlove me.”

“Yes, I can,” he declared. “I fuckinglove you. Since the day I set foot in your office, way before I even noticed those rings on your finger, I took one look into your eyes, and you had me. I wanted something with you, and I didn’t care what it was. All I knew was that I couldnotlet you get away from me. You could not leave my life.”

“Deke, please,” I cried, bowing my head. “Just stop talking, please.”

“No, because I want you to know it, Davina. I’m tired of hiding it.” He caught my hand and clasped it in his, trying to catch my eyes, too, but I wouldn’t look. Icouldn’tlook, or I’d break. “When you’re away from me, my heartbleeds, Davina. My chest hurts and I drown in my own misery every time I have to watch you walk away from me. I can’t think straight. I can’t sleep. I can barely eat. All those times before, I just let you go because I knew I couldn’t have you, or that you weren’t ready for it yet, but I can’t keep letting you slip away from me. I want you in ways I never thought possible, and I haveneverfelt this way about a woman in my life. You might think I’m lying to you, but I would neverlie about something like this.” He held on to my hand tighter, pressing my palm to his chest and sealing the gap between us. I could feel his heart beating hard, fast.

“I hear all these stories about how being in love makes you feel a different way. Being without that person makes you physically sick—makes you feel like you can’t do life without them—and I’m telling you, Davina. If you leave this house, if you walk out that door ... I will besickwithout you. You’re my cure, D. Regardless of what you’ve gone through or whatI’vebeen through, I have no doubt we’re in this house together and talking about this for a reason. You can’t stand here and tell me what we have isn’t real. Even the first letters of our names are a damn match. You’re my other half, and I feel that deep in my soul. And look, I know you made a lifelong promise to Lewis when you married him. Iknow, okay?”

I tried snatching my hands away when he said Lew’s name, but he held on tighter. I’d never heard Deke say it, and it struck a chord in me. God, it hurt so bad, and he kept holding on, kept talking, kept pleading with me.

“I get why you’re torn with your feelings and with what you want, but he’s gone now, baby. He’s gone, and I know that shit hurts. I know it cuts you up inside, like annoying little fucking paper cuts, but I’mhere, Davina. I’m here right now, willing to wait, willing to be patient with you, to let you process it all and talk about it whenever you want to. I’mhere. I’m giving my heart to you, and that can’t be for nothing. It just can’t, baby. Soplease, just this once, don’t walk away from me. Don’t leave, because if you go, you and I both know what that means.”

All of his words hit me like a ton of bricks, and because I couldn’t contain my emotions anymore, a sob bubbled out of me.

When he brought me into his arms and hugged me against his broad chest, I cried like I never had before. I cried so hard and for so long my stomach became sore and my eyes felt stretched thin.

We lay on the bed, the hours passing, my body still racked with pain and guilt. We didn’t utter a word. We just lay there, breathing in sync, thinking.

I hadn’t cried so much in months, but it was like my soul needed the cleanse. I’d bottled the emotions in for a while, thinking one day they’d go away or even become dull and muted, but all they’d done was accumulate.

At some point, Deke fell asleep while holding me in his arms. I shifted a bit, and his arms tensed. Even in his sleep he didn’t want to let go. I managed to free myself, then sat up to look at him—reallylook at him.

This beautiful man with the world as his oyster. This kind soul who lovedme, who wantedme... and it made no sense at all. Giselle was right. A woman like me didn’t belong in his world, because his world was meant to be easy and satisfying after all that hardship with his brother, and I was a complicated, mourning mess. I was a literal trigger to him. One pull on that traumatic gun, and it’d pierce him right in the heart.

My bottom lip trembled as I leaned forward and placed a kiss on his forehead. I left my lips on his skin a few seconds too long, and a hot tear slid down my cheek. I wiped the tear away before it could land on him, then climbed off the bed and grabbed my bag.

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