Page 103 of Beautiful Broken Love

I thought that after Lew, I was officially done having them, but there was something about this moment. The weight of it was crippling, like a giant thumb was pressing down on me and smashing me down until I was flat.

It wasn’t until Deke was in front of me, his hands on my shoulders and his eyes full of concern, that I realized I was hyperventilating.

“Davina, breathe. Look at me. I’ve got you.Breathe.”

I tried collecting breaths, but that only made my chest tighter.

I pulled away from him, rushing around him to get to my bag in the corner. I scrambled through it, searching for my phone. I wanted to call my sister or Tish. They were the only two people who could take me off the ledge. I stopped a moment, flinging my hands as if they were on fire.

“Where’s my phone? I—I need my phone.”

“Davina,” Deke called again, but I didn’t want to hear him. I remembered I left my phone downstairs.All the way downstairs.My body couldn’t handle it. I would’ve fallen if I tried going down there.

I glanced at Deke, watching as pity consumed him, and because I didn’t know what else to do, I ran past him to get to the bathroom. I slammed the door behind me and locked it. I should’ve left, but Icouldn’t drive in that state, panting wildly, my heart racing, fear sinking into my heart.

It was all coming at me at the wrong fucking time.

All the memories.

All the panic attacks I’d had when I was younger as I feared the unknown.

The depression I was in, wondering how life was worth living when it wasso, sohard.

Always putting on a brave face, when deep down I was weak. I was soft. I was far from brave.

I thought back to a time way before I’d met Lew, back when my daddy would play hopscotch with me, or fail at braiding my hair into two thick braids. Back when I realized my dad was the first man I ever loved. And then he was gone—snatched away in the blink of an eye. And then there was Lewis.My sweet, sweet Lewis.Gone too. Forever.

A wail broke through my lips, and I dropped my face into my hands as I slid down the door. I could hear Deke calling my name, tapping on the other side of the door, begging to be let in.

Why is this happening now? Why now?Deke was the last person I wanted to see me like this. What the hell was wrong with me, anyway? Why was I in that damn lake house in the first place?

It hadn’t even been a full year since my husband died, and there I was in a house with another man, acting like my husband never existed. Acting like I hadn’t just clung to his cold, dead body while sobbing all over his chest.

Then there was Deke. I’d been so focused on my own grief that I hadn’t taken the time to explore his. All this time he’d been dealing with that heartbreak, and I didn’t know because I was so selfish, so stupid, soworthless.

No wonder everything was constantly ripped away from me. I didn’t deserve any of it.

I broke down in tears, letting myself feel it, take it in, just like Octavia had told me to do. She was my mini therapist. My safety net. Iwanted to call her. I breathed in and out, and when I felt stable enough, I stood as Deke knocked on the door again.

“Davina, please. Let me in,” he pleaded.

I faced the door with wobbly knees and swiped at my tight eyes. Then I opened it. When Deke caught sight of me, relief washed over him, and the edge melted from his shoulders.

I walked past him, going for my bag again and stuffing my clothes into it.

“I need to go home.” I swiped hard at my face with the back of my arm.

“What? No. Why?” he asked, and I don’t think I’d ever heard such desperation in his voice. That cool-guy facade was cracking, the charming Deke being replaced by a helpless, confused one. “D, come on. Why are you packing?”

“Don’t call me that right now. Please,” I said, moving past him to collect my toiletries from the bathroom.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”

I grabbed my bodywash and deodorant.

“You don’t have to go, though, Davina,” he said as I slipped past him again, stuffing the toiletries into one of the side pockets.

“Yes, I do.”

---