Page 2 of In Her Shadow

I arrivehomean hour later. The abandoned building opposite Eloise’s apartment has proven to be the perfect spot to watch her from, so I’ve made it my permanent residence. It sure ain’t no palace, but I make it work. The place still has running water, and it’s stopped bothering me that it only comes out cold. I’ve got a generator for when I need electricity, and a mattress to sleep on. Not that I ever get much sleep. I spend most of the night, while she and the city are sleeping, watching her through her window. Sketching her the way I perceive her, and etching out the life I’d like to give her. The walls around me hold countless images of her face, because drawing her is the closest I’ll ever let myself get to touching her.

I’ve just finished taking a cold shower, and I’m rubbing my hair dry with a towel when I see a cab pull up outside her apartment building. While I shrug into a clean t-shirt, I watch her climb out the back before she makes her way to the door. Eloise works as a junior editor; her office building is only a few blocks from here, so she usually walks. I guess tonight she wanted to be home early to get ready for the date she’s got planned.

I clench my back teeth when I think about her going out with that guy again. There has to be something special about Lance Worthington. I’ve never known her to make it past a third date with a guy, never mind a fifth. Maybe it’s because he’s a cop. I guess his job makes women more inclined to trust him. He’s also a Taurus, which I read in the magazine she works for, which makes him the most reliable of boyfriends. He volunteers at a homeless shelter and is, of course, financially stable…I triple checked.

I may not be skilled at much, but I’m good when it comes to technology. I make it my personal business to look into everyone who comes into her life. Anything that's traceable about the guy I’ve found. Turns out he’s squeaky clean. Exactly the kinda guy Eloise should be dating. But knowing that doesn’t make watching her fall for him any fucking easier. I get jealous of the barista guy who gets to hand Eloise her coffee in the morning. I've thought more than once about breaking his fingers so he gets replaced, just because I don’t like the way he smiles at her.

Sitting back and watching Lance become part of her life is hard. I haven’t had to worry about Eloise dating anyone since the tragedy of her senior prom…it’s a night that didn’t end well for her or her date, and one that taught me a lot about myself.

Since then, Eloise’s trust issues have kept her guarded. I really want to know what it is about this guy that’s making her drop her defenses.I also wanna take a razor to his ball sack, but that's something I’m working on trying to control.

It can’t just be this guy's job that's making her trust him. I’ve seen the way she smiles when they’re together. I’ve watched every fucking date he’s taken her on and, and each time, it burns. It burnssofucking bad that I had to fuck all the frustration out of my body today, just so I could start thinking straight again.

I wanna choke the life out of the fucker who’s gonna take her away from me. But then, how can he take her when she’s never been mine?

When I see her step into her apartment, I reach over to turn up the volume on my laptop and watch her through the screen instead of the window. The only space that I haven’t bugged in her apartment is her bathroom. I figured I owed the girl some dignity… but I have eyes and ears everywhere else. I’ve heard the private conversations she’s had with her best friend. I know that she wants more from life and has been feeling the need to test herself lately. Eloise wants to be like a regular girl her age. Shewants to date, to fall in love, become a wife, and a mother. But does she really think Lance is good enough for that?

Scrubbing my hand over my face, I listen to the way her heels click across her wooden floor. I smile at the tune she hums while she flicks through her wardrobe, even if she is picking out a dress for him. I’ll bet she’s wondering what his favorite color is, and if he’d prefer her hair up or down, and it makes me grip the ledge of the window that I put my fist through last night when she was talking on the phone about him. I had to endure listening to her tell her friend, Katelyn, that she’s ready to take the next step. That tonight, she’s going to invite this guy up to her apartment. Shards of broken glass cut into my palms, and I welcome the fucking pain. I learned at a young age that pain on the outside hurts far less than it does on the inside. I use it as a distraction from the reality that one day, Eloise is gonna find that man she’s looking for. She’s kind and giving by nature, so when she does, I know she will give everything of herself to him.

Who am I to take her chance of happiness away from her? Who am I to ruin a life that she’s fought so hard to repair? I’m nobody to her, and she will never know that for so long she’s been the entire world for me.

ELOISE

“Well, this is me.” I smile awkwardly when Lance and I step up to the door of my apartment block.

“Yep, this is you.” He glances all the way up the building, as if he’s waiting for that invitation to come up. I left here earlier, determined that tonight would be ‘the’ night. Lance is a great guy; he’s handsome, considerate, kind, and he’s a cop! I’m pretty sure you can’t get much safer than that. But what matters to me most is that Lance is patient. This is the fifth time he’s taken me out, and I haven’t even built up enough courage to hold his hand. The fact that he hasn’t even tried to make any moves himself has me wondering if he can sense my insecurities.Maybe it's a cop instinct.

I owe it to myself to at least try and step out of my comfort zone. I’ve come this far. All I need to do now is ask a six-word question.

Just because I invite him up doesn’t mean he’ll expect me to sleep with him. We could watch a movie, maybe even make out if I’m feeling brave. Fuck…just the thought of doing that fills me with dread.

“Thanks for a great night,” I back out, quickly turning my back on him and pulling my keys from my purse. My handfumbles to locate the right one so I can get it in the lock, and when I feel him step up closer behind me, I freeze with fear.

“Hey, relax.” Lance takes the keys from my hand and finds the one that fits into the lock. My heart starts beating faster, my palms go clammy, and I hold my breath while I wait.

“Goodnight, Eloise. I had a great time, and I really hope we get to do this again.” He pops the door open and places a soft kiss on my cheek before moving on. It takes me so long to register what just happened that when I eventually turn around, he’s gone.

“What the hell is wrong with me?” I whisper to myself before rushing inside and closing the door behind me. The elevator’s still broken, so I pull out my cell to call Katelyn as I make my way up the stairs to my apartment on the third floor.

“Soooo, how did it go?” My best friend answers almost immediately.

“How do you think it went? It’s nine-thirty and I’m callingyou.” I sigh, finding the key to my apartment door and feeling mortified over the way I just reacted.

“So I take it you never took the plunge.” She sounds disappointed, and I can’t blame her. I’m disappointed in myself. I was so sure that this time I was ready. I’ve been working so hard on my therapy, and poor Katelyn has had to listen to me talk about a new, improved me for weeks. She even helped set up my profile on the dating app. I’ve had five dates with this wonderful guy, and the thought of kissing him has me on the verge of a panic attack.

“I wanted to, but…I just couldn’t.” I let myself inside and flick on the light. Dumping my purse on the table, I kick off my heels and flop onto the couch.

“It’s okay, everything you're doing is a step in the right direction. It’s just going to take a little more time than we thought.” She tries her best to sound enthusiastic, but I’m losinghope. I’m going to die an old spinster like Mrs. Mooney, who lived on the second floor and was dead for a week before anyone noticed.

“What guy is going to still be hanging on for a tenth date if I can’t even consider kissing him?” I roll my eyes and rest my head back. “Do you really think I’m ready for all this, Kat? I went into a full panic downstairs. I wasn’t even planning on having sex tonight, I just wanted to–”

“We’re not taking any steps backwards, Eloise. You are ready for this; it’s just a little harder to share your safe space than you expected it to be. How did the two of you leave things?”

“Well, he did say he’d like to see me again. I figure that's something.” I sigh.

“That's more thansomething… Officer Worthington clearly realizes that you areworththe wait. You could always use your next date to explain why things have to go at a steady pace,” she suggests, knowing that I won’t like it. Katelyn has been my best friend since I was ten; she’s the only person in the world without a doctorate who knows anything about my past.

“No,” I tell her firmly. I’d rather die a virgin than share with anyone else the things that happened to me when I was younger.

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