Page 3 of In Her Shadow
“Come on, Eloise, if you see a future with this guy, you’d have to tell him at some point anyway. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I’m not turning our date into a therapy session, and as for the future…I can’t even get the man past my front door. Let's not run before we can walk.”
“I’m just saying, don’t give up. You deserve to have all the things you want out of life,” she whispers.
“Do you ever think about settling down?” I ask. Katelyn is the complete opposite of me; she’s spontaneous and full of confidence. She dates a different guy every week, and her worstnightmare would be to be in a relationship. I’m sure she’s one of those commitment-phobes we published an article on once.
“Me…? It would take someone pretty special.” She laughs to herself. “We still having lunch tomorrow?” She quickly takes the heat off herself.
“Of course. I’ll see you then.”
“Good night, Eloise, and don’t worry. It won’t be like this forever.”
“Night, Katelyn.” I hang up the phone and debate whether I should put on a movie or just go straight to bed. For most people in this city, the night’s only just getting started, and here I am… poor, weak little Eloise, home before ten and feeling sorry for herself. I laugh at how pathetic I am, and before the laughter can turn to tears, I get up and head for the kitchen.
It’s not often that I drink, but tonight, after my lack of achievement, I think I deserve it. I always have a bottle of tequila on standby for when Katelyn comes over. Making margaritas and hearing about her sexcapades is what we usually do on a Friday night, if she hasn’t got a date.
I pour myself a shot and throw it back before I tell myself it’s a bad idea. It burns a little on the way down, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I quickly pour another and take the bottle with me as I move back over to the couch.
I open the dating app on my phone and flick through some of the guys that come up. Lance may tick all of the boxes, but maybe that’s the problem. My mind is programmed to be wary, and there is that age-old saying that if it’s too good to be true, it probably is.
I keep scrolling, knocking more tequila back, this time straight from the bottle. I’m starting to like the way it’s making me feel numb. One of the reasons I barely drink is that it seems to evaporate all my inhibitions. Maybe this is the way forward.
I eventually tire of reading through the endless profiles, and the words are starting to blur anyway. These guys can be anyone they want to be on this app. The only way to really know if a person is genuine is to look them in the eyes. Fuck the days spent messaging small talk and all the awkward first date bull shit. What I need to feel is a connection. One that surpasses all my fears and makes mewantto push my boundaries, and I’m not going to find that here on my couch, looking at this app.
I need to take action.
Taking another swig from the bottle, I get up and grab my purse before heading for the mirror. My hair is still looking good. I don’t usually wear make-up, but that's looking okay too. All I need to do is touch up my lip gloss and straighten out my dress.
“Don’t think…Do,” I tell my reflection, before taking another hit from the bottle and sliding back into my heels. There's a club two blocks from here, I’ve been there plenty of times with Katelyn, she knows the guys on the door. “There's nothing wrong with a single woman heading out on her own to get a drink. This is a decent neighbourhood,” I try convincing myself, and as soon as any doubt in my words starts creeping to the surface, I swallow it back down with more tequila.
Now is not the time for doubts. Not if I want to overcome my past. Not everyone is bad. I see kindness every day. I was dealt a shitty blow when I was younger, but it doesn’t have to define me.
“Here we go.” Popping my lip gloss back in my purse, I head for the door and start making my way downstairs. My feet are a little wobbly, but my confidence has doubled as I throw open the door and step out into the night. The streets are well lit, there are still plenty of people around, so I start marching toward the club, determined to feel something other than failure. It’s okay to be scared. It isnotokay to let fear consume you and keep you from getting the things you want from life.
I keep moving forward, ignoring my surroundings and focusing on my goal. Tonight, I’m going to dance the way Katelyn does, right in the middle of the dance floor. I’m not going to care who’s watching or if they’re getting the wrong impression of me. I learned enough in that self-defense course I took to handle myself if they do.
I see the club in the distance, even if it does look a little blurry, and taking one last sip from the bottle for courage, I dump it in the nearest trash can.
I spin my head when I suddenly get a sense that I’m being watched, but no one’s there, just a couple strolling hand in hand, looking sickeningly in love with each other. I let them pass before I move on, continuing to head for the doors of the club. I’m almost there when suddenly my stomach starts to churn, and my mouth goes dry.
“Shit.” I rush into the nearest alleyway, just managing to lift the lid on one of the dumpsters in time to throw up.
“Fucking great.” I wipe my hand over my mouth as I stumble backwards. The floor beneath me starts to feel like it’s shaking, and the walls surrounding me spin so fast I have to place my hand out to steady myself.Maybe the tequila wasn’t such a good idea. None of this is a good idea!
I lose my footing, falling backwards onto the cold, hard concrete, and when I look up at the starry night, I smile at how pretty it is, before everything fades to black.
REN
Ifollow much closer behind her than I usually would when I realize that she’s stumbling all over the sidewalk. If she’s not careful, she’s gonna fall into the road, and I’m furious at her for being so stupid. Eloise has lived half of her life being cautious; coming out the house, at night, alone and drunk isn’t just out of character for her, it’s fucking reckless. She stops at a trash can to get rid of the empty bottle of tequila, and when she spins around, I step back into a doorway so she doesn’t see me. The last thing I want to do is scare her, but I can’t risk her being out here late at night by herself. She lets the couple I was using as a barrier between us pass her by, so I give her enough time to get ahead before I step back out onto the sidewalk and resume following her. She doesn’t get far before she stops for a second time, and when she suddenly darts off toward the alley beside her, I pick up my pace to catch up with her. This is New York, and despite what I heard her telling herself in her little pep talk before she left, no neighbourhood is safe. Young, vulnerable women should not enter alleys after dark.
I slowly lean my head around the wall and catch her being sick into a dumpster. When she finishes, I quickly pull back, pressing my back tight against the wall so she doesn’t spot me.Hopefully, this will be enough to make her see sense and go home.
From what I could see, she drained that bottle of tequila, which means she’s gonna have one hell of a hangover tomorrow.
Doesn’t stop me from wanting to punish her for being so fucking reckless.
I hear her snort a laugh, and when curiosity gets the better of me and I take another look around the corner, she’s lying on the floor.
