Page 19 of Rough Around the Hedges

That was sadly true.

Jake left us to it in the kitchen, and the moment he was out of earshot, I slumped forwards on the table with a groan.

I really didn’t want to say it out loud.

“Rose.” Isa steepled her fingers in front of her and stared at me intently a-la Mr Burns fromThe Simpsons. “How exactly do you know the new duke?”

I had to say it out loud.

I sighed. “He fucked my brains out two weeks ago.”

Shaun slammed his glass down on the table and choked. He covered his mouth with his hand as he sputtered into his palm, and Isa reached over to thump him on the back.

Was it really that shocking?

“Did you have to put it so bluntly?” Shaun asked after a moment.

“How else should I put it?” I replied. “That we engaged in coitus? Partook in premarital activities?”

He stared at me.

“Tossed the hotdog down the hallway,” Isa offered.

I snapped my fingers in her direction. “Did the bedtime slip’n’slide.”

“Planted the parsnip.”

“Fed the kitty.”

“Stuffed the taco.”

“Buried the bone.”

“Slammed the ham.”

I paused. “Why are all your sex euphemisms food-related?”

Isa shrugged. “I think you should be asking why yoursaren’t.”

That was never a question I would ask myself. Ever. Literally ever.

‘Slammed the ham’ was a phrase I could have lived without ever hearing.

“Why am I here?” Shaun asked, looking between us. “I wish I could unhear the last sixty seconds of my life.”

“Well, you two wanted to know how I know the duke, so there you are.” I finished the rest of my wine and held out my hands, then reached for the vodka bottle. “Do you remember how I took that job at that big rich estate owned by that author two weeks ago?”

“Yeah, you stayed overnight nearby for a couple of days, didn’t you?”

I nodded. “I went out for dinner at the nearest pub and met him at the bar. We hit it off, and the rest was supposed to be history.”

“Do you not even get the names of the people you sleep with?” Shaun asked. “I’d have thought that was the bare minimum.”

“Meh.” I shrugged. “If I wanted his name, I wouldn’t have escaped out of his hotel room when he was taking a shower. Or I’d have left mine, at the very least.”

“If you’re not leaving your name, I’d hope you’re using protection.”

“That’s why I keep a condom or three in my purse.”

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