Page 77 of Revealing Mark
I paced my small apartment, wondering what the call was about. This time I was being a coward so I rang him back and waited for him to pick up.
“Hi.” He sounded nervous and it made me feel bad.
“You called?”
“Yeah…I was hoping we could meet up… If that’s okay?”
I wanted to say no but something in his voice stopped me.
“Where do you want to meet?” I found myself saying.
“I’m at the park, if you can make it now.”
I wasn’t sure if I was ready to do it but it was too late now. “I’ll meet you at the bench by the pond.”
It was the place I liked to think, so at least it would be quiet and there wouldn’t be too many people. This was going to be emotional.
“See you soon,” he said, and I ended the call.
Was it too soon? But I didn’t want to drag this whole thing out either. I had lost a parent already and our time was gone. Did I really want to lose the time I had left with the parents I still had? Even though my dad wasn’t biologically my father, it didn’t make him mean anything less to me. I still loved him as much as I had before.
I made my way to the park, taking my time. I wasn’t sure I had the ability to deal with the upcoming meeting with him.
My throat burned when I spotted his lone figure at the edge of the water, throwing food at the ducks in the water.
His shoulders bent forward, he looked deep in thought. For the first time I saw what my absence was doing to him and I didn’t like how it made me feel. He was my dad but I still felt nervous when I approached him and I didn’t know how to start. Did I just say hello and see where it went from there?
But he felt my gaze, because he turned to watch me approach. “Hi.” His eyes lit up and my throat constricted. Dad.
I nodded, unable to talk without giving away my vulnerability.
“How are you?”
I shrugged.
“We’ve been worried about you.” He dusted his hand off on his jeans, having finished feeding the ducks, who were still waiting around for more.
“It’s been a bit rough.” It was a nice way of putting the emotional rollercoaster I had been through. And that hadn’tbeen the only thing going on in my life, but I wasn’t ready to open up to anyone about Mark yet. I wanted us to work out but I knew realistically the chances were slim. First he had to meet me halfway and trust me with something. If he couldn’t do that, we were over before we even got started.
“Oh, Tracy, we never meant for this to happen.” He made a move closer. “We only ever wanted you to be happy and loved.”
The resentment of what I had lost with my real father rose to the surface and I found it difficult to feel sympathy for him.
“I don’t feel very loved at the moment. I missed out on the chance to meet my father and I’ll never get that back.” There was an ache in my chest and no amount of words were going to take it away. Maybe it would get better with time. Getting a chance to get to know my half-brothers would help heal it.
He sighed. “I’m sorry.”
My throat burned and I shoved my hands into my jeans. I dropped my eyes to look down at the ground. His boot came into my line of vision.
“There’s nothing your mom or I can say that’ll fix what you’re going through.”
I let out a shaky breath when I looked back up at him.
“We did it because I loved you like my own and I never wanted you to feel that wasn’t the case. At the time we believed it was the right choice but now I can see we could have done things differently.” He looked so much older in that moment. “This is tearing at all of us. Matthew won’t speak to us and we miss both of you.”
I shifted, feeling guilty despite having every reason to feel the way I did. “That’s the thing…” I paused. “I’ve always felt different.” I shrugged.
“I had no idea.” He swallowed.
