Page 40 of Loving Taylor
Chapter Twelve
Idon't knowwhat made me drive to Taylor's dorm after I pulled myself together enough to see my actions for what they were—an act of possession, needing reassurance that despite what I had seen she was still only mine.
I found myself parking a few streets away. A feeling of nervous apprehension stirred in the pit of my stomach at what she might say to me.
I didn't dothis. I didn't apologize for my actions. But here I was, headed to her room, ready to tell her I hadn't meant to be so rough or to leave her so abruptly without a word being said. I could still feel the impression of her lips on mine from kissing her so hard. It only reminded me of my loss of control.
There was a chance that words wouldn't be able to fix this. I wasn't even sure if she was there, but I felt a need to set things right even though I had no idea what I was going to say.
It was only when I neared her building that I looked up. The sight stopped me in my tracks.
The anger I had experienced before resurfaced as I watched Taylor talking to a guy I didn't recognize. He looked too old to be a student. Perhaps he was a new lecturer. The casual clothes he wore screamed money. Whoever he was, money wasn't in short supply.
My eyes narrowed as I studied their interaction. He hugged her and their closeness made me frown as I continued to watch them.
I wasn't the jealous type but this was the second time in less than an hour I had felt the burning emotion that fogged logical reasoning. I had trust issues and it didn't come easy. It was difficult to trust that there wasn't more going on with them than a friendly interaction between two people.
Then he released her.
Was he competition? Taylor was beautiful so it wasn't a surprise that she had so much interest from the opposite sex, but I didn't compete. Before, there had been no need to.
They knew each other. I could tell by their easy and familiar exchange that Taylor knew him well. Who was he?
Like some sort of stalker, I stood there, unable to walk away, watching them closely. I analyzed every look between them. She smiled at him and I frowned. They began to walk and I contemplated whether I was going to follow them.
What's wrong with you?I asked myself, refusing to act like some jealous guy. If I turned and left now she would have no idea I had come back to talk to her. But no matter how much I urged myself to distance myself, my feet were like concrete, unable to move.
It's your own fault,my conscience reminded me.You broke your rules and this is the consequence.Deep down I knew there was some truth to the warning going off in my mind. They walked a few feet before coming to a stop.
You're overreacting.We had agreed to be exclusive while we were trying to work each other out of our systems. She had been a virgin, for crying out loud. I couldn't believe she was two-timing me. But I had to admit I didn't like seeing other guys around, especially in Caleb's case, since I could see by his body language that he wanted her.
My fear was that maybe I wouldn't be enough. I had never kept a girl around so there had never been a need to keep them. What if I couldn't hold her attention until I was ready to cut her from my life?
They were having a serious conversation. Then she took his hand in hers.
It tugged loose something inside my chest. The pain was like a raw, open wound that winded me. I unclenched my one fist to touch my chest briefly, assuring myself the pain was inside.
For a moment I was transported back in time to when I was a little boy who still had hope that his mother would love him enough to pull her life together. That hope hadn't survived for very long. The cold, hard reality of my life had been hard to ignore after empty promises from my mother. They had just been empty words.
I swallowed, trying to bring myself back to the present. Reliving the hopeless betrayal from my past was enough to make me want to turn and leave.
She tugged him forward by his hand. I continued to watch as I tried to shake off what I was feeling, like I didn't care. And if it had been any other girl, I wouldn't have. Then as if in slow motion her eyes found mine. I also caught the attention of the blond stranger, who studied me with interest.
Any previous thoughts and guilt were replaced by a feeling of betrayal so intense it still burned in my chest. My eyes only left hers to look down to where her hand was still intertwined with the stranger's. Here I had been prepared to tell her I was sorry for how I had treated her but all I wanted to do now was get as far away from her as possible.
I shook my head, still feeling Taylor's watchful gaze. It was too much. I had to get away. Finally I turned around and walked away.
Twice in one day I had spotted her with other guys. I wasn't the jealous type but even I recognized the strong emotions I had felt.
She is just a girl. One of many,I told myself to downplay my response. She was replaceable. But even I recognized I was lying to myself. She wasn't just some girl. She was a girl I was attracted to enough to want her more than once.
I still hadn't managed to work through the emotions that I'd had to deal with in the last couple of hours.
“Rough day?” Slater asked when he saw me walk through the front door.
He could read me better than anyone. I briefly nodded, disappearing up to my room, needing to be alone. I felt like a caged animal as I paced the length of my room.
I rolled my shoulders, trying to get rid of the tension. I got my phone and some earphones, scrolling through any playlist to find something loud enough to drown out my thinking. I kicked my shoes off before lying down in my bed and selecting a song from my favorite heavy-metal band. I hit play and looked up at the ceiling.
