Page 41 of Loving Taylor
The intro to the song was slow but then the drumming and singing from the lead singer drowned out any rational thought. It was the only way to calm the chaos inside. I drummed my hand against my leg in beat with the drums.
I listened to music for well over an hour before the song got cut off by the insistent ringing of my phone. It was Taylor. My thumb hovered over to answer it but I couldn't bring myself to speak to her. I wasn't ready and I wasn't even sure if I could.
When it stopped ringing I pulled the earphones from my ears and threw them in the drawer beside my bed. Was she calling to explain who the guy was? Even if it was innocent I was still too worked up to listen.
Needing to work off some of my anger, I changed into some sweats, not bothering with a shirt, and then headed downstairs to work out. It was one of the few things that helped me work through my emotions.
Avoiding emotional attachments wasn't healthy but I couldn't bring myself to risk getting hurt. I didn't love Taylor. But in the short time I had known her, I had gotten far more attached than I wanted to admit.
"You want some company?" Slater asked as I descended the stairs.
"Sure." I didn't really want company but Slater wasn't just anybody. He had a way of knowing when to talk to me and when not to.
He followed me into the garage. I faced the boxing bag and gave Slater a chance to hold it with both hands before I tightened my hands into fists. I began to pound the bag, imagining the smug face of Caleb. I wanted to wipe that self-assured smile from his face.
Slater remained quiet, knowing I didn't want to talk. So instead he held the bag so I could hit it with everything I had. Sweat poured down my strained muscles. I hit it again and again until the pain in my muscles made it impossible to keep going.
I leaned my head against the bag with both my hands resting on it as I tried to inhale. It was difficult. My lungs burned from the physical exertion.
"That bad?" Slater said, breaking the tense silence.
"Yeah," I breathed, lifting my head long enough to look him in the eyes.
I inhaled and held the breath before allowing the air to rush from my lungs.
"It's Taylor, isn't it?"
I refused to answer but he could read me. He already knew it was about the pretty little blonde who had me all tied up in knots. I didn't need to confirm it to him.
"Maybe you need to end things with her." He let go of the bag and studied me.
I shook my head. I didn't smoke or overindulge with alcohol. But I was addicted to Taylor and giving her up before I was ready wasn't an option.
"I can't. Not just yet."
They were only a few words but it confirmed that in the end I would let her go and move on. It was just a matter of when.
Later, after I had a shower, I sat at my desk and toyed with my phone in my hand. I still wasn't ready to return her call. Maybe tomorrow after I got some sleep I might feel I was in a better space to be able to talk to her.
I didn't want to admit to anyone—even myself—that I had been jealous seeing her with other guys.
It was Friday night and it was party night. The house was already filling up. Slater stood beside me with a beer bottle in his hand.
"I invited Jordan." I shot him a questioning side look.
He didn't face me, but he nodded.
"I told her to bring Taylor."
I wasn't mad. The truth was I wasn't sure how I felt. I still hadn't called her back. I didn't know how to approach the situation and it just seemed best to let it work itself out. She would show up later with her friend and we would talk. Or not. There were other things I wanted to do with her.
But after seeing her with Caleb and the stranger, did I still trust her? It was difficult to think of Taylor as a liar so there was a part of me that trusted her. But the part of me that had been damaged by my mother's constant lies didn't.
I didn't even quite understand it myself so it was more difficult to explain to someone. And besides, I didn't talk about my past or what I had been through. Girls didn't want to hear about my sorry past. All they were interested in was here and now. They wanted Sin Carter, the bad boy who would give them a night they would never forget.
And so far I had lived up to my reputation. There was no need to make it more complicated.
It would be the same with Taylor. I was determined to give it a few more weeks, and when I tired of her, I would tell her that our arrangement was over. It would be the end.
