Page 39 of Loving Taylor
The sound of my heavy breathing intermingled with Taylor's when I kissed her again. My hands lifted her with only one goal in mind. When her legs wrapped around me again, I lined myself up with her before she sank down on me. The warmth of her tightened around me as she gasped. Sheathed inside her, my lips found hers and I groaned as I began to fuck her. My thrusts were hard and quick.
She is mine, I thought as I drew back and reentered her. Her hands were on my shoulders and I was watching her expression as I took her up against the wall.
The slight tensing of her body against mine told me she was close and then she shattered, biting her lip to stop herself from crying out as she climaxed. Now that she was done, I concentrated only on my own release. My movements were more aggressive as I thrust into her again and again.
I felt the tightening just before I came, shuddering as it swept through me. I leaned against her for a moment, my breathing hard.
The anger that had driven me had dissipated, leaving me to analyze my actions.
I eased her down to the floor. She was wobbly, still struggling to stand. I leaned my head against hers for a moment with my hands on either side of her as it began to dawn on me what I had done.
My lips touched her gently like I could erase how roughly I had just taken her. I felt remorse.
And then the need to get away took hold. I pulled away from her. Her eyes met mine for a moment and I felt the weight of the guilt on my shoulders. Her lips were red from the force of my mouth against hers.
I had never lost control like that with a girl before and it scared me. I got rid of the condom in a nearby trashcan before getting dressed. The need to escape was urgent when I felt my lungs restricting. I couldn't even look at her again so I kept my eyes on my hands as I fastened my jeans.
Feeling the rising bile in the back of my throat, I couldn't even bring myself to look at her one last time. And I didn't know what to say so I just opened the door and walked out.
I rubbed my hand over my face as I strode away.
Only when I reached my car did I stop long enough to get in. For a while I just sat in the driver's seat, trying to sort through the mess of thoughts and memories in my head.
Seeing her with Caleb had pushed me to prove she was mine. And I had. I had taken her roughly, ensuring my ego that I was the only one she had ever been physical with. The loss of control I had felt had scared me. I didn't like the feeling of not being able to rein myself in and I didn't know how to deal with it.
Memories of her gasping as I slid into her replayed in my mind and I closed my eyes, briefly hating the wave of self-loathing I felt. I gripped the steering wheel tightly.
She was dangerous and with every interaction her hold over me was growing.
It’s just lust, a physical reaction to her, I told myself. But I wasn't totally convinced.
Before, I hadn't cared who they screwed before or after I was done with them.
The feeling of possessiveness over her had been an alien feeling. In my mind I tried to work out why I felt that way.
We had a physical arrangement to sleep together. Was I only acting this way because I had felt Caleb was encroaching on my territory? It wasn't about feelings or emotions. No, she was mine to have when I wanted her. A purely physical thing, I convinced myself.
Each time with her only reinforced our attraction. Even though I had taken her roughly it had been mind-blowing. But still, I could have hurt her. Had I been too rough? I replayed through the scene, finding no evidence that I had.
Now that I had somehow rationalized my emotions, I could breathe easier. The tightness in my chest loosened. My hold on the steering wheel slackened and I leaned back, letting out a deep breath.
This was new and now I was unsure of how to tackle it. The jealousy and my response had been alien to me. She had that way of making me do things I hadn't done before. It unsettled me.
