Page 36 of Breaking Matt
"You sure you're okay?" he asked as he pulled away from me and lay on his side. Even he could sense I wasn't fully into it.
I wanted to continue to lie to him and myself but it wouldn't hide the lack of want on my part. This was Matthew's fault.
"This isn't working," I said as I sat up. There was no more pretending.
"Is it me?" he asked, raking a hand though his hair.
I shook my head.
"There's nothing wrong with you," I assured him. I was the problem. It was hard to admit but there was no ignoring it anymore.
Zac shifted off the bed and began to get dressed. I pulled my knees up to my chest and watched, feeling vulnerable that something fundamentally had changed and I couldn't just make it go back to the way it had been before.
"Well, if you change your mind you know my number," he said just before he opened the door and left.
For a while I stared at the closed door, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. The more I thought about it the more I began to get angry and upset. I knew who'd done this to me: Matthew.
If it had been him instead of Zac, I would have responded to every touch differently. He was the one who could make me come alive and I hated that. Was it because I'd felt something for Matthew? Was it because I had connected with him on a deeper level that I couldn't physically be with another person?
Eventually a while later I got out of my bed and took a shower. For some reason I felt dirty and the need to wash Zac's touch from my skin seemed to be important.
I'd always been able to do what I wanted when I wanted and the fact a certain boy had changed me so much so quickly was scary. I got dressed into my pajamas before I left my room. I wasn't ready to face Matthew yet, but I was hungry.
The TV was going but Matthew wasn't in the living room. For a moment I hesitated, wondering where he was.
I went into the kitchen. My plate of food from earlier was untouched and sitting on the counter. I touched the plate and thought of Matthew. Letting out a sigh, I leaned against the counter and rubbed my hands over my face. Emotions tied to my actions began to build up in me. I felt guilty and lost. I'd never felt like this before and I had no idea what to do.
Before I could even think about what I was doing I went looking for Matthew. I needed to see him. Maybe it would give me the answers I needed. I stood outside his bedroom. His door was closed but I could hear movement, which meant he was still awake.
Suddenly I felt nervous so I knocked softly on his door.
The silence on the other side of the door made me hold my breath. A few moments went by and I was convinced he wasn't going to open his door. Then the door opened and I was looking into his face.
His emotions were masked but the tightening in his jaw was a dead giveaway of the anger boiling just below the surface.
"What do you want?" he asked tersely.
His tone didn't surprise me. As far as he was concerned I'd screwed someone else just a few feet away from him. I was at a loss for words as I stood silently trying to figure out what to say.
"Do you need something?" he snapped, and I took a step back.
My guilt became overwhelmed by the anger at his actions.
"Yes," I said back as my temper rose and I took a step forward.
"I don't have all night. Spit it out," he ordered, looking at me like he couldn't stand the sight of me.
That jolted something inside of me.
"I want you!" I yelled at him and he pressed his lips together.
He shook his head.
"I want you the way we were," I added quietly, feeling the pain return. My eyes scanned his features, looking for an answer of how to fix it. And knowing if he hadn't lied that we wouldn't be in the mess we were.
"You lost me the moment you fucked someone else," he told me and took a step back, slamming his bedroom door.
The stubborn part of me that didn't give up banged on his door. He opened it up and I met his glare with my own.
