Page 37 of Learning to Love

I stroke her hair while she nibbles on a cheese cracker. "It was good. We saw the Brits training as well and could glean a bit into their racing style … but then it started raining heavily so we came back." I can't do it. I can't. "And how have you been?"

Ellie looks at me with her brilliant eyes and smiles. "I've been well. Last night we went to this ocean conservation charity event. You'd have liked it, probably. Or maybe not, cause you don't like going out." Her laughter makes my heart soar, even if it's at my expense.

"Oh? Tell me more." I kiss her forehead, her cheeks, her lips.

"I can't concentrate when you do this." Her eyes are half shut, and her lips slightly open, inviting me for more kisses.

I bite her lip gently. "What about this?"

"Hm … Your ex Laura was there."

That's a mood killer if I ever heard one. "Did she say something to you?" Laura doesn't hold a grudge as far as I know.

Ellie looks at me for a second. I can't tell if she's happy, sad, or something in between.

The oven timer beeps, and I take out the salmon and let it cool on the rack.

Ellie pours two glasses of white wine, and hands me one.

"Cheers to you coming back in one piece." She takes a sip, watching me intently.

I need to muster up the courage. It's now or never. "Ah … listen, I was going to talk to you about something." I run my fingers through my hair, like I always do when I'm nervous. Ellie can read me like an open book, usually, but I don't think she imagines what I have to say this time.

She perches atop one of the breakfast bar stools and continues sipping her wine. "I'm all ears."

"Do you remember that race I told you about? The one I applied for a couple of months before I met you?"

Her brows furrow as she thinks, trying to remember. Her mouth parts and her gaze darts to mine. Yep. There it is. She remembers.

"Yesterday I found out I was selected for the team …"

"The team for the Round the World Race?" Her face is a blank mask, and I can’t read it.

"We sail around the world for up to a year. Every month we dock at a port around the globe for a couple of days …"

Ellie looks like she's going to be sick. Her face is ashen, and her lip trembles. When she speaks, her voice is so small I can barely hear. "A year?Why?"

Daisy senses something's wrong, darts straight to Ellie's feet, and lies down.

"A year’s not that long in the grand scheme of things … You could … come to the ports around the world each month. Brazil, Hong Kong, San Francisco … we could have a couple of days together on land here and there." When Corey suggested this, I thought it was a great idea. Now, seeing Ellie's stricken face … What have I done?

Ellie jumps off the counter, almost spilling her wine. She finishes it in one gulp and the glass clatters against the counter, toppling, when she slams it down. "How long have you known about this? Why haven't you told me this was a possibility from the beginning? And more importantly what the hell are you thinking, Sam? I can't just drop my job like an old hat to go around following you from port to port, while wondering if you're still alive." I've never seen Ellie this angry.

"I'm sorry, okay. It's something I've wanted to do since I was a child. You could always ... quit your job. You don't need to work. I earn enough for both of us." My toes squirm as I say it. This is going downhill very fast. What the hell am I doing?

Ellie’s brown eyes are furious, and she’s got her hands on her hips, telling me off like I’m one of her preschoolers. "You … you wanker. Just like you, I love my job and don't want to leave it for the world. The fact that it pays less than yours doesn't mean it's less important. "

I pace away from her then back. “It’s not like you didn’t know this was a possibility. I told you I signed up for it.”

“You did.” She nods, her lips pressed thin. “But you also said it was unlikely you’d be picked. You made it sound like it wasn’t a possibility.”

I don't have an explanation. Seeing her so upset makes me even quieter. I withdraw as I do with any conflict, ever.

Now she's pacing around the room. "And what do you expect me to do, hang around this house for a year then you waltz back into my life fresh as a daisy? I'm telling you, no fucking way."

"Ellie, listen. I'm really sorry I haven't told you about it, I don't have an excuse. It's not a long time in the grand scheme of things, you can come to some if not all of the ports. I'll pay for your tickets. I'll be safe. Corey and Florian are also going. We'll look after each other." I hope to reason with her, I don't know what the alternative is.

A sob escapes her chest, and she runs towards our bedroom, Daisy and I hot on her heels. Under my shocked gaze, she picks out one of her suitcases from the wardrobe and stuffs her clothes into it.

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