Page 71 of A Forgotten Mistake

“Liam, please open the door,” Gabriel says as he jiggles the doorknob. “Come on, Liam. Please?”

Why did I run into his house? I need to run out. I need to go home. I need to cut everything off. I need to get away.

I bury my head in my hands, pulling at my hair as these horrible thoughts race around my mind. I’ll tell him I can’t do it, that this was a horrible idea. I’ll tell him that people like him don’t deserve people like me.

The knob jiggles a moment before the door pushes inward, telling me he has a key to open it. Entering, he rushes over to me. I can tell he’s going to kneel in front of me, but I can’t let him do that.

I have to make him stop.

Grabbing his legs, I wrap my arms around them so he can’t drop down, but now that I’m holding on to him, I don’t know how to let go. My fingers dig into the back of his legs, desperate to hold on. I feel like this right here… this is the only way I’ll keep myself from drowning. But at what cost? Is it worth it if I end up drowning him in the end?

“I have to go,” I whisper, feeling his fingers gently wind through my hair.

“No, you don’t. Spend the night.”

“No. For good. I have to go. I can’t do this. I can’t hurt you.”

Gabriel’s grip on my hair tightens. “How the fuck did you hurt me, Liam? You protected me.”

“You don’t understand how much I wanted to make him hurt. I wanted him to bleed. I wanted him to feel pain. I wanted him to suffer for hurting you. People like you don’t think things like that. You fight to protect, but you don’t enjoy it like I do. I feel like I have no purpose without you. I feel like I don’t knowhow to breathe without you. I feel like I would kill everyone for you.”

He wraps his arm around my head, pinning it against him as I realize his hand is shaking. I’ve done this to him. I’ve hurt him. And I’m afraid I’m going to keep hurting him. So that’s why I need to back away while I still can.

“I know,” he whispers. “Liam, I know. I know you as well as you know yourself. I know that if I hadn’t stopped you… that you might not have stopped. And that scares me?—”

I try to pull away. “I need to go. I can’t do this. I can’t scare you?—”

“Liam,listen.That scares me because I’m afraid of what might happen to you. I’m not scaredofyou, Liam. I’m scared that they could have faulted you for that. I’m scared that you could get caught or found out. I’m not afraid of you. Do you really think I don’t know you at this point? I know you and I’m willing to accept you.”

“But at what fucking cost?” I ask. “How much of yourself will you give up for me?”

“I would give it all up for you, like you’re willing to give it all up for me.”

“It’s different,” I say.

Gabriel pulls my head back, grabbing my face in his hands as he looks down at me. “What is different? Tell me what’s different? Why can’t I give up anything?—”

“Because you’re perfect the way you are. Because I don’t want you to change, especially for someone like me. Because I don’t know how to care for people or love people besides you. You are the only exception.”

“You say that, Liam, but I already see changes in you. I’m well aware you spend most of your life delivering words and actions in a way that keeps others at bay while still fitting in. Butyoudoknow how to open up to others. You care about things or you wouldn’t be so upset right now.”

I tear my eyes from his and shake my head. “No. The only thing I care about is you.”

“Then why do you want to push me away?” he asks.

“I have to!”

“You don’t have to. You just have to keep loving me, do you understand?”

I glance up and catch him intently staring down at me.

“Liam, this isn’t a fucking choice, do you get that? If you walk out that door, I will destroy you. I know about your dirty little secrets. So if you want to play this game, I’ll play it. You leave me for selfish reasons, I’ll make sure you can’t go anywhere.”

His hands tighten on my face, and I find the possessiveness soothing, like it’s calming me. It’s making me see reason again. It’s making me realize that I can’t keep going without him.

Gabriel slowly drops to his knees in front of me as he tips my head up to maintain eye contact. Since he’s up on his knees and my ass is on the floor, he’s still hovering over me. “I’m not letting you go anywhere. I’m not letting you leave me, do you understand?”

I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know what’s right, though I sure know what’s wrong. But I still want it. I want it more than anything.

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