Page 90 of The Mercenary's Guide to Mishaps and Romance

“What the hell are you doing? Do you want to get us arrested? Are the weapons in here legal? I don’t want to go to prison. I definitely couldn’t join a gang.”

The sirens flick on and just like that, the cars following us back off.

My hands are beyond moist at this point as I clutch the steering wheel tightly. “We’re going to prison. We’re going to die. We’re going to prison,” I mumble, pulling off on the side of the road as the police car pulls over behind me.

When I see Jeremy get out of the car, I nearly melt into the steering wheel with relief that I’m not going to prison… probably. He raps on the window and I’m so busy trying to recover that Tavish has to roll the window down.

“Thanks for that,” Tavish says.

Jeremy looks between us. “Do I even ask what’s going on?”

“Go for the balls,” the bird announces.

Jeremy stares at the bird for a long moment, then at the soaking wet Tavish, then at me gripping the steering wheel with all of the strength left in my body. “How about I follow you guys to the station? I’ll make sure they don’t follow, and then take you home. Whose car is this?”

“I have no fucking idea. Leland told me to drive it,” Tavish says.

“I can drive you there in the cruiser.”

“I have… my… uh… toys in the back.”

“Like sex toys?” he asks, face scrunched up.

Tavish snorts. “No! My guns!”

“Oh Christ. I think I’ve been around Leland too long,” Jeremy says as he rubs his face.

Jeremy eyes the guns scattered all over the seat and sighs. “You couldn’t have put them in a case or something?”

“No one wants to have to open a case, now do they?” Tavish responds. “What if you’re like ‘Oh man, I’m going to get murdered, but I have a super-awesome weapon that could deter this murderer over there in my car.’ So you rush over but get shotand killed because it’s tucked in some stupid case that requires a ten-digit pin to open up.”

Jeremy just sighs again and helps him transport the weapons to his cruiser and covers them up. The way he extra covers up a few makes me curious how legal they are. Then we drive to the police station with Jeremy following us. Once we arrive, I take my new bird and the cake and get into the police cruiser as Tavish brings over the computer tower.

“I’m going to sleep for a year after this is all over,” I announce. “I’m just worried this cake is fucked up.” I peel open the box as Tavish and Jeremy both stare down at it.

I cock my head, a bit confused, then cock it the other way.

“Did you just…” Tavish falls silent for a moment, like he also can’t find the words. “Did you just protect… protect a penis cake with your life?”

“It’s… it’s not a penis,” I protest as I turn the box this way and that, like maybe what it is will pop out to me if I look at it from a different, less penis-like angle.

“That’s definitely a penis,” Jeremy says.

“It’s… it’s a lighthouse,” I decide.

“It’s a penis,” Tavish says.

“No… but I wouldn’t have just… my whole life… I risked it… to keep this cake safe. It’s safe… and it’s… it’s something special that Leland ordered. If you squint, you can see the way it’s actually a skyscraper with big… bulbous bushes out front. It’s like a metaphor…” I’m just making up shit at this point in an attempt to understand what I’ve seen.

“Well, telling me it’s Leland’s answers all of my questions. The second he asked you for something, you should have known it was going to be a penis or a fence,” Jeremy says.

“It’s a really big penis,” I realize.

“Such a big penis,” Tavish concurs.

“So much… so much was risked… for this penis.”

Tavish seems to find this hilarious, which means the bird also finds it hilarious. I just close the lid and decide that it doesn’t matter what’sinsidethe box. What matters is that Leland helped me, so I helped him.

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