Page 91 of The Mercenary's Guide to Mishaps and Romance

TWENTY-THREE

ELLIS

I carry the cake up to the front door, very pleased that the box hasn’t been crushed, maimed, or destroyed. We’d stopped at a pet store along the way for a simple cage to put the African grey in until I have some idea what to do with her, since I don’t know what Leland’s dogs will think of her, as well as some food.

Since Tavish doesn’t want to carry the penis cake, he decides to carry the birdcage. “She’s pissed. She’s sharpening her beak. She’s totally going for the jugular when you get her out,” he says as he looks at the bird inside her new cage.

“It’s just temporary. I’ll get her something bigger as soon as I figure out what’s going on,” I reply as I push open the door and step inside. Not even the dogs are there to greet me, which immediately makes me paranoid.

“Hello? Leland? Jackson?” I call. I mean… maybe they took them out for a walk. That’s the normal thing to do, and what I would have originally assumed before I met Tavish, but now, I’m immediately questioning if they’ve been abducted or carted off to Murder Island.

We step into the foyer and Leland, Jackson, Waylon, and Cassel all leap out with streamers and blowers and shout “Happy birthday!”

I’m so fucking on edge, I jump back, slam into Jeremy, and drop the penis cake, which hits the ground. I stare at it in disbelief. Then I look up at everyone who is looking at me as the fucking parrot starts singing the words “happy birthday” over and over.

“What the fuck happened to you two? Did the lady at the cake shop make you wrestle a chicken for the eggs before she’d make the cake?” Leland asks. “You two look atrocious.”

“I dropped the cake,” I whisper. “I dropped someone’s birthday cake.”

I feel very close to crying and it’s so stupid. It’s just a cake. But I can’t even keep a fucking cake safe.

Tavish seems to immediately notice this. “It’s fine! I’m sure whoever’s birthday it is doesn’t care. Wait until you tell them you carried it through a B and E, ran away from a gunman, and leapt out of a building with it. Makes it all that much more special,” Tavish says as he picks it up off the floor and opens it. “Look! It still looks like a penis.”

I look in and realize that even the fall didn’t really seem to cause it to lose its penis shape. That makes me smile and I feel a little better.

“Tavish… it’s your birthday,” Cassel whispers.

“Huh?” Tavish asks as he looks around. “Is it?”

“Yeah, I noticed when I was snooping around your shit like a nosy person this morning. Wait, is it a fake date?”

“Uh…” Tavish checks his phone. “Nah, I think that’s right. My dad said celebrating birthdays was nonsense, so we never paid any mind to it. Hey, you mean this giant penis cake is for me?”

“It’s not a penis, it’s a gun!” Leland says as he hurries over before cocking his head. “Huh.”

“That’s totally a peen,” Cassel inputs.

“Giant willie,” Leland says. “A behemoth beefmeister.”

Cassel’s not to be deterred. “A King Kong kabob.”

“Are they actually related?” I ask Tavish.

“I don’t think anyone would ever want to be related to Leland, even by marriag—” He stops and eyes Jackson. “I mean…”

Leland opens his mouth, but Jackson shushes him. “It’s his birthday. He’s allowed to be as mean as he wants,andhe can get away with it.”

“You really didn’t know it was your birthday? I wish I’d known; I’d have gotten you something,” I say before remembering I don’t even have a wallet or clothes that I purchased with my own money. “With… someone… else’s money.”

“Nah, I don’t need shit. Why would I need anything with this lengthy leviathan I get to devour while a bird cusses me out?” he asks as he waves toward the cake.

Cassel cocks his head as he examines us both. “I am confused about the bird. Also about why Tavish looks damp, and why Ellis looks like he had a tussle—that he lost—with an entire rain forest, and how they ended up with Jeremy.”

Leland holds up his hands. “Well, clearly, Tavish was like ‘Me think you sexy?—’”

“Why does he sound like an Australian caveman?” Jackson asks.

“Jackson, babe. I’m setting the scene. Don’t restrict my scene setting,” Leland says. “Anyway, now that the sexiest man in the world is done cutting in, I can continue. So Tavish was like ‘You. Sexy.’ And Ellis was all like ‘Ew, I would rather run through this here paper shredder than hear that,’ and then in a valiant effortto get away from Tavish, he pushed him into a pool to drown him… just a little.”

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