Page 109 of Refraction

“Come on.” Calvin took his hand and led him, sure and steady, out of the barn.

“Sorry. Sorry, I got all… I got all caught up in my own head. Stupid. It’s just… it’s just stupid.”

“It’s how you work, Tucker. It’s a little scary sometimes to me, because I don’t always like to see you disappear like that, but it’s not stupid.”

Tucker stared at Calvin, the words sinking into him for a second. “Sometimes I think they’re trying to get me. They’re so real.”

Believe me. Please.

Calvin stopped halfway between the barn and the house and squinted at him in the sun. “They don’t come from out here, Tucker. They come from in here.” Calvin rubbed his chest. “Maybe that’s why they feel real? Wherever they come from inside you is completely real.”

“I’m not insane, Calvin. I swear. I just…. It doesn’t…. Christ.” Tucker took a deep breath, in and out. “Wherever they come from, sometimes I get caught in them.” His cheeks were on fire.

“You… they’re….” Calvin sighed. “Sorry. I just want to ask the right question. You lose control?”

“No. I get scared, startled. I see them, but I know they’re not real. I know it.” He wasn’t a bad man. He wasn’t dangerous.

“If you know they’re not real, how could you possibly be insane? I don’t think you’re crazy. I just sleep through my nightmares, and you don’t. You paint them.”

If you know they’re not real, how could you possibly be insane?The words bounced inside him, rocking around, becoming louder and louder. Echoing.

He knew they weren’t real. They wanted to be, but they weren’t.

Tucker took a deep breath, filling his lungs with sunshine and wind and Calvin. Right.

Right.

He knew why that demon had tried to bite him. Not Mom. Not the art. Tucker didn’t want Calvin to leave without him.

“Let me come with you, when you go?” The question was the easiest one he’d ever asked.

Calvin saw through the paint, and he needed that. Now. Later. Always.

“Please come with me? I’m better when I know you’re around. I don’t feel like I’m falling all the time.”

“Yes.” Tucker nodded, closed his eyes for a second, then smiled. “Yes. If we fall, we go together.”

Calvin’s arms went around his waist and hugged him. “We’ll come back. We’ll stay a little in the city, and then we’ll come back here for a bit. I need some of this too. I’ll talk to Michael.”

“Okay.” He had the studio. He could paint anywhere. “We can be whatever we need to. Damn the demons.”

“We can.” Calvin touched his face and seemed to be looking for something in his eyes. “See? You were right. We’ve got this.”

He picked Calvin up, leaning in to breathe his lover in. Someone smelled like sunshine. “Can we have burgers now? Swim?”

Calvin laughed, hands going around his neck. “Both, Tarzan.”

“Mmm. Both. You’re good to me.” He got his double handful and squeezed. Then he gave Calvin the best Tarzan yell he could manage.

“Stop that! Oh my God. Put me down, you ape.” Calvin kicked his feet, but the kiss that landed on his lips belied his lover’s protests.

“No. Me Tarzan. You can be the ape. You’re totally not Jane.”

“I can play Jane, though.” Calvin batted glittery eyelids at him. “I liked our superhero discussion better, I think.”

“I mentioned I liked the glitter, huh? I like how you paint yourself.” He wondered if Calvin would let him try to paint him. On him.

“Thanks, tiger. It’s fun. We’ll have to go out again in the city. Dancing. Right? Now put me down. You start the grill. I’ll get the burgers.”

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