Page 71 of Embers in Our Past

“It’s hard for you to know how I’m feeling if I’m not telling you,” Abby says.

“Clay, Abby and I have talked a lot about how hard it is for you to know how she’s feeling without her using her words. I think she knew how much you two were connected, so she expected you to read her thoughts. You’re not telepathic, and many couples expect that kind of behavior after years together. It’s just not possible, as much as Hollywood depicts it in movies.” She smiles.

I squeeze Abby’s hand, and luckily, the discomfort I felt upon coming into the office today has subsided. I feel myself relax and sit back a little further into the couch.

“Now, I have a little something I need you two to do for me in the next week. My patients hate when I say this, but it’s a little homework,” Dr. Beskow says, a smile painting her features.

Damn it, there’s the tension taking over my shoulders again. I’ve always hated homework.

CHAPTER 25

Abby

Last night,Clay and I sat in our living room together with two wine glasses and sunk them into a white cake to find out the gender of our baby. It was just the two of us, and it was a moment I will treasure.

We both laughed and cried together. We smeared cake on one another and simply soaked up the moment where we got to plan out our future. We didn’t have to hear any stories or other people telling us their thoughts and feelings on the matter. We just had it as our own special memory.

For someone who had planned all the details of telling her husband she was expecting, to announcing her pregnancy on social media, to then doing a gender reveal, nothing was really going as planned. Even the way I would be soaking up this pregnancy, everything has been different.

I have spent a lot of hours in therapy talking it through with my therapist. During the early weeks when I found out, I panicked. I wondered about the what-ifs. The big one was, what if this didn’t work out, and I lost the baby? And her response wasn’t sugar-coated. She just said, “What if you do?”

I think that was the first time someone gave it to me straight. And we sat there and walked through all the scenarios, and somehow that was comforting. It was reassuring for my brain to know how I might react. It’s awful, I know, but it’s how a person who has dealt with the truth of trying to conceive might feel when everything has been hard to get to up to this point.

But now, I’m finally embracing this pregnancy. That’s what she told me to do a few sessions back. I sat with the results of the gender for a little while, still a bit apprehensive. I think I was a little scared because knowing made it a little more real. Knowing I was holding back only led to her decision when Clay joined us at that last session.

The homework Dr. Beskow told us to do? A gender reveal if we cared to find out. She said it was a great way to bond and connect with the baby after struggling to get pregnant for as long as we had. And I’m so glad we did. The moment we saw the color of the cake in the glasses, we both dropped them onto the remainder of the cake, pulled each other into a hug, and whispered, “I love you” to each other.

All the other darkness of our past just faded away. It was almost like we knew right then that no matter what, we could deal with the hardship. It doesn’t mean we wouldn’t have difficult moments, but we knew we would be okay. I just knew I would have to be honest with not only Clay but with myself.

Now we are driving to see Clay’s mother, Mary, River, Kennedy, Samara, and Ashton. The twins are getting bigger, and I haven’t met them yet, so I’m finally getting a chance to meet them and visit with Sam and Ash.

The moment we pull up to their house, Sam runs out, and that sunshine personality graces me. Apparently, while she was pregnant, she was incredibly difficult, snapping at everyone who crossed her path. I don’t know what everyone is talking about; she isn’t feisty at all.

I give Clay a look, and as if he can read my mind, he responds, “Don’t give me that look. She was unbearable at times. Now it seems Ash has taken on the attitude himself.”

I have no time to say anything before she pulls me into a hug that might take all the air out of my lungs.

“Shit, Sam, you’re going to squeeze her too tight,” Clay yells.

“Damn, sorry.” She pulls away from me and taps the bump. “You’re adorable. I was the size of a double-decker, but this way,” she says and brings her hand forward because of the twin belly size.

I giggle and bring her in for another hug. “I missed you, Sam. It’s been too long. Thanks for not hating me.” I truly missed her, and I’m so glad we can still be friends. She has every reason to disown me as one.

“Of course I don’t hate you,” she says, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

“What am I, chopped liver?” Clay whines, and Sam rolls her eyes.

“Between you and your brother, I don’t know who is more needy,” she responds, and Clay immediately says, “River!”

Once we’re inside, it’s pandemonium. Everyone is hugging, and Mary is laughing one second, then crying another, and money is exchanged back and forth because there is always a bet going about something. It’s chaos, and I stand back, wondering how I thought I’d live without this.

“Balrog is not a word!” River yells.

“The fuck it’s not!” Ashton yells across from him.

I rest my forehead down on the table. Every fucking time we play this game, it’s the same thing. I swear to god. Years of playing and I swear this happens every. Single. Time.

I look over to Kennedy and Samara, and we give each other the same look like we want to stab ourselves in the eye with a pencil.

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