Page 70 of Embers in Our Past

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Clay. I hope you don’t mind coming down here today. I asked that you come to this session,” she says, and her voice is soothing. She could definitely teach an art class. But now that she has started speaking, I can see the therapist side too.

“It’s no problem,” I say, pressing my palm against my leg in hopes of stopping the bouncing.

“You don’t have to be uncomfortable. I’m not here to judge your relationship with Abby. I’m here for the two of you,” she says, a soft smile on her face.

I look over and find Abby smiling. I feel like Abby and I have finally come to a good place, and I won’t lie and say I’m not a little scared. What if Dr. Beskow tells us we’re moving too fast? Fuck, I’m really scared, I guess.

“Okay,” I say, blowing out a breath.

“Why don’t we start with why you think you’re here,” she says, and my eyes go wide in panic. I look at Abby, and she squeezes my leg in reassurance.

“Uh, well, I guess, to see if Abby and I are moving in the right direction?” I say it more as a question instead of a statement. It feels like this is a test, and I sort of hate it. I don’t mind the idea of therapy, but I still don’t know what’s happening, and I don’t know if there’s a wrong answer. I feel like my relationship with Abby hangs in the balance.

“No, I’m not a marriage therapist. I’m here for Abby, primarily. But my goal here is to ensure Abby is able to express to you how she is feeling at this point in her journey. I started working with Abby a while ago. And I felt it was time for her to bring you in so you could hear what she had to say.” Dr. Beskow nods, and I nod as well, not really sure why I’m doing so. Fuck, I’m like a puppet.

She continues, “Abby, why don’t you start.” She motions toward Abby, and I look at my ex-wife. Abby turns her body toward me, and I return the gesture, hoping I’m looking a little more even, though I probably look stiff as fuck.

“Clay, I know I’ve been a little hard to understand as I’ve tried to figure out all the things I’ve been going through emotionally. I was really trying to give myself space to find who I am again. I need grace to get out of the darkness I was in when I left you.” She looks down at her hands, and I can tell by the way she’s intertwining her fingers she’s just as anxious.

I move my hands to interlace with hers, and she smiles up at me.

“Clay, I love you.” Hearing her admit that brings me comfort. I never doubted that she loved me, but hearing her say it to me in this setting is reassuring.

“And when I first realized I was pregnant, I felt relieved it was you who I love. I never stopped loving you. But I think that when I left our marriage, I may have stopped loving myself. And that’s what I had a hard time saying to you. But today, when I tell you I love you, I am also telling you that I love myself. I want to move forward, and I want us to welcome this baby together. I want to have a family with you.”

She takes a deep breath and looks over at Dr. Beskow, and the relief in Abby’s shoulders is evident in her posture.

“Clay, how does that make you feel, what Abby is saying to you?” Dr. Beskow asks.

“Of course, that makes me feel good to hear. I never, not for one second, doubted my love for her,” I say.

“There seems to be abutin there,” she notices.

“Um, yeah, there is,” I say, unable to look at Abby with my next confession.

“This is a safe space. Please tell Abby how you’re feeling. This won’t work if you two aren’t honest with each other,” she pushes, and I may as well let this off my chest now. It’s been eating at me since we reconnected.

“Well, starting back up with Abby is something I’ve wanted for, well, since she walked out on our marriage. If I’m quite honest with you, I never wanted the divorce. But with the space, I was able to reflect. And now that she gave me the other side of how she was feeling, I can’t help but have questions.” I turn to face Abby. “I want a fresh start. I think we can have that. I want this baby to have that. I think this baby deserves that. I think we both deserve that, too, you and me. But I am worried.

“What if one day, we’re at the park, and you see a family of four and get it in your head you want two more kids? If we can’t have that naturally, what happens then? We did the IVF route, and that didn’t work. You didn’t really give surrogacy a shot because before we could, you walked away. Adoption wasn’t even talked about because, again, you turned your back on our marriage. So, it’s hard for me to be all in when I feel like I have to be ready for that other shoe to drop.”

I turn to look at Dr. Beskow, rubbing the back of my neck, nerves taking over my bloodstream because I am uncomfortable bringing this up. Did I just fuck this up with the only woman I have ever loved?

“Abby, why don’t you talk to Clay about this?” Dr. Beskow addresses Abby directly.

“Clay.” She grabs my hand to pull my gaze to her. I turn my head to face her again. “I know I scared you, and you have every right to feel that apprehension. I think it will take time to earn that trust back. I think the love part came easy for us. It always did before, and it might always be the easier part of our relationship. The baby-making part? That might be the part that brings some hardship. And that’s something that I am sorry I struggled to handle.

“I am going to be honest. It hurts to know I can’t carry a baby easily.” She rubs her belly. “But I am lucky in this moment. I know that. And I think surrogacy should be something we discuss next time. I think that’s something we should go to right off the bat. Now we know. If by some miracle this,” she points at her belly, “happens again, then I think we are going to truly get a lottery ticket.” She laughs. “But I think it’s time to consider surrogacy as the next step for us to expand our family. I’m open to it. I should have talked to you about it. I was just angry, and instead of being vocal, I shut down. It was my coping mechanism. I admit it wasn’t a healthy one, but it’s what I did at that time.”

“And if surrogacy doesn’t work?” I have to have a backup plan for that as well because this is something I now have anxiety over, I realize.

“Then adoption is our final step,” she says, bringing her hand to my cheek.

Dr. Beskow chimes in, “I think this is a great start to open communication between the two of you. Remember that when things get tough, it’s okay to be vocal about what the other needs. The two of you have been through a lot together. Abby, just because you went through the physical pain of IVF does not discount the emotional pain Clay may have experienced, okay? Remember what we discussed. It’s important to acknowledge that.”

Abby nods.

“If I can also say that I don’t think I was aware of how much pain Abby was suppressing regarding the IVF struggles. Emotionally, she held on to a lot, and I wasn’t understanding how hard it was for her. That was on me,” I admit.

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