Page 39 of Embers in Our Past

“Clay, say something,” I hear from behind me.

I turn around and find Abby standing near my sink, her hands folded in front of her, a tentative look on her face.

I finally find my voice and speak up.

“I don’t know what to say without sounding like a dick,” I finally confess.

That’s my truth at the moment. I swear, many questions are going through my mind, and many of them sound horrible. The first one is, “Is it mine?” I know it’s awful to question that, but it’s a valid one to bring up. But even thinking it makes me feel like an asshole, so speaking it out loud would only make me feel worse.

“Let me guess, you want to know if it’s yours? You think I’d come to you with another man’s baby?” She looks disgusted I’d think that low of her.

“Abby, can you at least put yourself in my shoes? Just for a minute, try to make sense of this entire fucked-up situation if you were me,” I tell her because this is a lot to process.

“Try to process this as me right now, Clay!” she yells, tears falling down her cheeks. “Do you know how hard it was for me to take the fucking test? It nearly gutted me to even open the box. I thought I was just sick with a bug of some sort. I never imagined I was pregnant. And by my calculations, I’ve been pregnant for weeks too,” she says, now pacing my kitchen.

Then she stops and looks me dead in the eyes. “And yes, it’s yours. I haven’t slept with anyone, not even before that night, alright. I have only been with you since we started dating. So, it is one thousand percent yours. I have no doubt in my mind.” She inhales a shaky breath, bringing her hands through her hair, clearly, the agony of the entire situation taking its toll on her.

I place my beer on the counter and put my hands in my pockets, trying to calm my nerves. “So now what?”

“I don’t know, alright! I’m fucking confused, Clay. If this were two years ago, I’d be ecstatic. Hell, I’d be completely ready and over the moon. Now, I’m losing my mind. Life is a mess right now, yet it’s still everything I’ve ever wanted. But I can’t ignore the fact we are no longer awe. This baby is coming into a completely different situation, and I’m utterly lost on what to do.” Desperation laces her tone. “So I’m confused, yet completely excited.”

“Abby, you’re not alone in this. It’s not like I’d desert you. It’s my baby too. We’ll make this work. We’ll move back in together, and we can finally be the family we wanted to be. We belong together. This is what we wanted,” I start to say, but right then, she stops and looks at me.

“Clay, no. No, that’s not, no.” She’s pacing the kitchen. “We are not just jumping right back into things. No.” She starts shaking her head.

“What do you mean, no? Abby, I love you. I’ve never stopped loving you, and I know you love me,” I tell her, confused by this stubbornness she hasn’t let go of.

“Clay, this baby doesn’t change the fact that we are still divorced. I’ve been working on myself. I am trying to work on growing as a person, to stand up for myself and not ignore the work I need to do to better the person I need to be. Not only for myself now but for our child. I need to think of this baby,” she says, placing her hand on her belly.

“Wait, so you think being with me hinders your ability to be a better person? I keep you from being a better person? Since when?” It feels like she’s slapped me across the face with that comment.

“No, Clay, it’s not that. Listen, I get that the divorce threw you for a loop. And I’ll admit that, looking back, it was irrational at the time. I see that now. I’ve been working with a therapist since I left you, and I understand I should have handled that differently. But it’s done, and I’ve realized that since leaving, I’ve needed to focus on myself more. I need to put in the work to improve myself. So I can’t just jump back in. I’ll set myself back. I was a shell of myself in the end when we were married. I want to continue my self-growth while I’m on this journey. This pregnancy doesn’t change that,” she counters, and it doesn’t change the sting her words have left behind.

“But you’re going to need help, and being together while you’re preparing for the baby is probably best,” I tell her.

“And you can, but I don’t think living together is the best option, Clay. You can help, and I’ll tell you when I need you. But you can stay in your corner, and I’ll stay in mine.”

I pull my fingers through my hair. This woman is infuriating at times, and it’s taking everything in me to stay calm and not say more. But I am really trying to keep my words to myself because I don’t want to say something I can’t take back.

“This discussion isn’t over,” I tell her.

“It is, Clay. I didn’t come here to discuss living arrangements. I came here because you’re the father, and I didn’t think it was fair for you to hear it from Rios or something,” she says, then covers her mouth.

“Why the fuck would Rios tell me you’re pregnant?”

“Shit! Damn, pregnancy brain is a real thing! Fucker!” she yells. “Ugh! So Rios ran into me, and I accidentally threw up on him, which is a whole other story I don’t want to get into.” She waves her hands in the air. “That being said, he got all pregnancy whisperer about it, saying that I was pregnant and I didn’t know it and talked about how he knows when someone is pregnant and all that. I laughed in his face. He doesn’t really take no for an answer, by the way—he’s annoying like that?—”

“No shit,” I say in response because Rios is definitely pushy like that.

“So after I told him I was likely just sick with a stomach bug or something, he went to the store, on his own accord, mind you, and brought back a pregnancy test. I swear I stared at that thing for the longest time. Marissa yelled at me to take it?—”

“Marissa was there?”

“No, she was on the phone. I finally took the test, and I really thought it was going to be negative. I mean, do you know what a mindfuck it is to see those damn tests always show one line for years? I mean, obviously, you do, but for me, Clay, dreaming of being a mom and then never getting to be one and then finally getting to see two lines and not having you there with me? It was like the biggest dream in the most devastating of circumstances. It’s like my heart was soaring and breaking all in the same instance.” She starts to cry, and that’s when I can’t stand it anymore, and I move to her and pull her into an embrace.

She always fit perfectly into my arms. I kiss the top of her head, and her arms tighten around my middle. I let the vanilla scent of her hair waft up, and it just takes me back to all the times I came home from work and held her close after long shifts at the station. She was always my purpose, and now, I don’t really know what we are to each other. But now we have a new purpose that goes beyond my love for Abby.

I pull myself away from her a bit so we lock eyes.

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