Page 38 of Embers in Our Past

It’s been a few months since I saw her come into the bar with Malloy, and the thought of that still gets my blood boiling.

Even though I’m well aware it was a blind date, it’s still hard for me to get the image of her with another man out of my head. And the fact it’s someone I know is hard for me to shake.

I feel my hands ball into fists by my side, remembering her walking out with him latched onto her arm. I remember my gaze staying on them for the entirety of their exit until they were out of my line of sight.

The aftermath of that night is cemented in my mind, and it’s something I’m constantly pulling myself out of each time I find myself hovering over her number on my phone.

I’ve reached a stage of pathetic if I’m being completely transparent. I love her. My love for Abby has not diminished, nor has my anger—at that night or even the year prior, with her blindsiding me with a divorce—deterred me from giving her my heart. I never got it back, actually. She left me behind, and she never sent back the most valuable pieces of my heart and soul.

I’ve been in love with Abby Morris since the moment our eyes locked years ago. That cold Boston day when a twenty-year-old version of myself was still in college and needed the caffeine to get through my midterms.

I walked into Amazonia’s Bean Co.naïve and looking for the strongest shot of coffee, only to come out knowing I was going to marry that girl. She sat in a corner with her beanie pulled over her ears, yet her eyes locked with mine the minute I walked in, and I haven’t looked at another girl the same ever since.

We instantly connected, and from there, my heart started to beat outside my chest. She became my everything, and I became hers, until one day, all that shifted, and I was no longer what she needed. Or, from what she told me that morning when I got home, was that looking at me only reminded her of the pain and the loss of the life we should have been leading.

I think that right there gutted me more than anything else she did or said regarding the divorce. Knowing that when I looked at her, I saw beauty and love, but when she looked at me, all she saw was sadness and an emptiness I couldn’t fill—it felt like the ultimate slap in the face.

She left me, walking away from all we made together, because life decided to deal us a shit hand. I thought we would get through everything together, no matter the heartache, yet I was on that island alone. While I was finding ways to connect to her, she was finding ways to separate herself from me. The distance just kept growing until she chose to leave.

She walked away from not only me but our future. She told me she didn’t feel like herself anymore; therefore, she couldn’t be with someone who was in love with a different version of her. Little did she know I loved all the various parts of her, even if she didn’t understand them.

Hell, I would have walked the surface of the sun if it meant she was waiting for me on the other side. For so long, I looked at all my buddies and felt lucky to have so much stability with the woman I chose to call my wife. We did everything together until the day came when she felt like she would rather walk alone instead of by my side.

That’s the thing though; she left me behind, and I’m here like a love-sick fool, and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I’ve looked into the future, and all I see is Abby by my side. I’ve tried to look at someone new, hoping I would find something, anything, to pull me into a new love. But I’m starting to think my heart is permanently broken. It feels like it beats differently now that I lack her presence daily.

River is now in a place where he’s happy and looking at his girlfriend like she is everything to him, and I’m now living a life I don’t recognize. I have no jealousy toward my brother and Kennedy. In all honesty, it’s been fun to see him fall head over heels for the one girl who drove him mad for so long.

I walk up the steps to my apartment, and the loneliness feels like it engulfs me even more when I make my way up the elevator. My brother used to live in the building, but now he’s all cozy with Kennedy at her place.

Each time I step foot in this building, I’m reminded I live here, in my sad little apartment, because my life went to shit. I’m completely stuck in the past, even as I go on dates trying to forget about the woman who stole a part of me, only to never give it back. Recently, I’ve been going out in hopes of finding something new to latch onto, but I always feel disappointed when they don’t live up to my expectations.

I feel no rush to get home, so I nearly miss the elevator doors opening on my floor. The moment I walk into the hallway, I feel her before I see her. I squint my eyes, rubbing them to ensure I’m not hallucinating.

But there she is, as clear as the day I met her. Abby’s sitting in front of my door. I keep forgetting she’s back in Boston, instead of across the country in California.

I straighten my spine and try to stay strong, hoping my heart can handle this close proximity. But nothing prepares me for the words she’s about to utter. She opens her mouth, and I feel the pull this woman has on me when she simply looks up at me with tears pooled in those big blue eyes and says,

“I’m pregnant.”

CHAPTER 14

Clay

I feelstunned in place as I try and process her words.

Pregnant. What is she talking about? I’m just processing that she’s sitting outside my door, and she’s telling me she’s pregnant?

There’s no rulebook on this. What do you say to your ex-wife, who you’ve loved most of your adult life, and she just tells you that she’s pregnant?

I finally snap out of it and do the only thing I can do: I extend my hand to help her off the floor of the hallway and open the door to my apartment and allow her in.

I still haven’t said a word. I watch her walk into the apartment and my heartbeat is thrumming through my ears.

Once inside, I walk straight into my kitchen, trying to ignore the fact that the last time I saw Abby, we were in a very similar situation in this very same space.

I go to my fridge, but this time, I’m well stocked with something stronger than water. I grab a beer, twist the top off, and throw back the bottle, hoping the cool liquid will tame the heat that’s taking over my skin right now.

Unfortunately, I feel like I’m on fire from the inside out. My heart is racing, and I fear it might pump out of my chest wall. I lose all sense of time, but I know I’m silent for far too long, my back to Abby as I process what’s going on with the bombshell she just dropped in my lap.

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