Page 18 of Until I Break

“No, but they’ll understand,” I say. “None of these messages are from me.”

Ryan leans against the concrete parapet wall and starts scrolling through the messages. His eyebrows raise up several times, and he glances up to judge my demeanor. “Oh wow,” he says, handing the phone back.

“Yeah, so… They got home Friday night when I was in bed asleep,” I say.

“Oh, Liza… Did they…”

“Julian did. The second he actually saw my face, he stopped immediately. I was panicking because all I could think about was Troy. We went back and forth for a second, but ultimately figured out they had been set up. Calder is struggling, butJulian… I never want to see him cry like that again. It broke him, Ryan. It broke him.”

“Fuck. Well… How are you?” he asks.

“I’m okay. I need time to process this, but I do love them so fucking much. Everything said, I do have an interest in besides degrading comments. Troy abused me using my own kinks, and I need to find a way past that.”

“But Julian is hurting.”

“He won’t look me in the eyes. Calder will, and he will be relatively normal, but Julian is hurting more than I can handle. I want to help him because it’s not his fault. I don’t blame him, and I want the three of us to find our way through this. I just need to teach myself the correct way that kink should play out.”

“But you need them to be a part of that for you to truly learn,” he remarks.

“Exactly, but Julian is scared of me. Truly,” I say.

“I have an idea, but I want to see Julian around you,” he says. “I deal a lot with survivors of trauma, and I am a licensed therapist.”

“No shit. Really?” I ask.

“Mhmm. I use BDSM as a tool to help survivors of various types of traumas as well as things like anxiety, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. I work with a lot of trafficking victims, too.

“How so?” I ask.

“Well, it’s like a group home of sorts. BDSM is just one of the tools, so I just work with the girls, and whatever works best for them is what we do.”

“Wait. Do you fuck these girls?” I ask.

“No,” he laughs. “There are several Doms who take them on, and the girls choose. Sometimes I am the one with them, but sometimes I just observe. None of what I do is sexual, but that is not always the same with the others. There is a lot of paperwork and steps they go through to get in with us because not everyone will benefit from what we do.”

“So how will that help me?” I ask.

“I think the three of you could benefit from starting at the top and going through everything the same way that they would work with any other student. You should learn how BDSM and kinks actually work, and they should learn to trust themselves with you. Building trust takes time.”

“Will they get mad I told you?” I ask.

“No. Julian trusts me,” he says. “My advice for Calder is just be blunt. If you want something from him, just say it.”

“So, if I want him to fuck me, just tell him?” I ask.

“Yes, ma’am. Connecting with him away from BDSM will be a good place to start with him.”

“Okay. Well, let’s go talk to them,” I say.

We go downstairs and to the office. When we walk in, Julian and Calder look up. Julian glares at Ryan, but won’t look at me. “Juli,” I say. “Look at me.”

“What, Eliza?” he snaps. I realize quickly he is being shitty to push me away. I narrow my eyes at him, and Ryan chuckles when I walk over to his desk. “What are you…”

“Shh,” I say, pushing his chair back so I can stand in front of him. He goes to push away, so I grab his face and kiss him. He melts immediately and gently rests his hands on my waist.

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly.

“No matter how hard you push me away, I’m not letting go,” I say. “I love you, Juli. We will get through this.”

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