Page 2 of Dex

It has beenfour weeks since I buried Fiona and the pain is still there, crippling me. They say time heals all, but fucking hell they are full of shit. I get that it has only been four weeks, but I can still feel her when I lay in our bed at night. I can still smell her. Hear her scream when we saw the car coming straight for us. I wasn’t sleeping much. I have taken up running to help with the pain. I need to exhaust my body to help me sleep. Jay flipped his shit when he saw how much I was drinking. He sat me down and told me that Fi would be ashamed of me, and he was right. She would kick my arse if she were here. But she isn’t, so running it is.

I run mile after mile but I still end up in the same place. At the Cole’s house. The house where I have so many childhood memories. I stop and bend over, resting my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. I suck in the oxygen that my body obviously needs. The rain that, up until now had been a light drizzle, gets heavy against my heated skin.

“Dex?” I hear her voice. I keep my eyes closed and take a deep breath. So many emotions are running through my head and I feel as if it might explode. “What are you doing here?” Addy asks from the front door. I finally peel my eyes open and look in her direction. She is dressed in black leggings and a red t-shirt that says ‘God bless this hot mess’. The over-sized cardigan drowns her slim body.

“I couldn’t breathe,” I admit. The rain hits my body harder, but I barely notice.

“Come inside, Dex, you’re getting soaked.” I keep my eyes on her but I don’t move towards her. My feet are stuck; cemented to the pavement. “Dexter,” she shouts, forcing my legs into motion. I open the gate and walk up the path towards her. And I can't help but take in her beauty; a beauty that should not be affecting me right now. I just buried my wife for fucks sake. I reach her and she quickly pulls me into the house and shuts the door behind us. I let her lead me to the sofa and I take a seat.

“Let me get you a towel.” I nod my head, and Addy walks away. My eyes meet the raging fire in the fireplace and the flames hypnotise me. I am so engrossed by the flames that I don’t hear Addy come back into the room.

“Here.” She hands me a towel and a change of clothes, which I am assuming belong to her late father. Addy’s parents died when she was twelve, which is why she moved to our area, from Brighton.

“Thanks.” I stand up and strip the soaked tee off my head and I drop my jeans and kick off my boots. A quick intake of breath catches my attention and I look up and see Addy staring at me. Fuck. I am standing here in my boxers, not thinking about my surroundings.

“Oh Shit. Sorry,” I say and quickly reach for the towel. But Addy’s hand shoots out to stop me, her fingers reaching to touch the pattern on my right pectoral. The warmth spreading from her fingers to my damp chest makes me realize just how cold I am. She traces over the scroll there before she moves over to the cross on my left pectoral muscle. My body shivers from her touch. I grip her wrist to stop her movements and she gasps. Without thinking, I her pull to me and cover her mouth with mine. Her mouth is warm and soft, she moans into my mouth and I swallow her sounds. I hold her to me and deepen the kiss. I don’t know how long we kiss for but Addy pulls away.

“We can’t,” she whispers.

“We can.” I pull her back to me, kissing her neck.

“Dex.”

“Shhhh. Just a taste,” I say against her smooth skin. I pull her down onto the sofa and we are a tangled mess. Addy gives in to fighting me as I rip her clothes off and I remove my boxers. We make love right there on the sofa, in front on the blazing fire. After I feel her third orgasm pulsing through her body, I finally let go. The shame washes over me and all I feel is regret and guilt. Addy snuggles closer and we fall asleep wrapped up in each other. My pain temporarily forgotten. But I know the pain will come back ten fold.

* * *

Iwakeup with the feeling of dread in my stomach. I know where I am without opening my eyes. I can feel her against me. My heart rate spikes and the panic sets in. I fucked Addison last night. Oh God. What did I do? Fuck. I open my eyes and slowly take in the girl draped over me. I take in her beauty and my heart stutters in my chest again. I fucking hate feeling like this. I slowly remove my arm from under her and slip off the sofa. Scanning the room for my clothes, I find them in a pile on the floor. I slip into my jeans and as I am pulling my t-shirt on over my head, Addy wakes.

“Morning.” Guilt slams into me as I take in her mussed up look. A look that I put there. I did the unforgivable last night. I shake my head and reach for my boots.

“You regret it.” It wasn’t a question, but an obvious statement.

“It should never have happened, Ads.” She flinches at my nickname for her.

“Wow. Give it to me straight.” She leans over and picks her cardigan up and wraps it around herself, shielding me from her naked body. My dick jerks in my jeans, and I hate it.

I fuckinghateher for making me feel this way. I ignore her words and walk towards the door, stopping just long enough to hear her parting words for me.

“I know this fucks everything up for us. But just remember that I love you, Dexter Castle. I always will.” I open the door and step outside into the cold British weather. A shiver runs through my body and not in a good way this time. The wind whips around me, but I hear her. “Goodbye, Dex.”

I walk away and don’t look back. I know that I have just ripped out her heart and crushed it, and I have no doubt that Jay will rip me a new arsehole when he finds out. But walking away from her now is for the best. I can never give her my heart and Addy deserves a complete man to love her. I will never be that man.

Without Fiona beside me it will be a long road, but I will get to where I need to be. One way or another, I will get there.

Maybe now is the time to open up that studio me and Jay have talked about.

Now is the time to start Castle Ink.

---