Page 1 of Dex

How the fuckam I supposed to live now?

Breathe.

Move on.

I just buried my heart.

Today has been the second worst day of my fucking life. The first…The first was the day my wife, my sweet, beautiful Fiona passed away. This cruel fucking world took the one reason I had to live and breathe. Sitting here watching her family and mine say goodbye for the last time is making my stomach knot so bad I feel physically ill. I catch my brother, Jay’s face and all I see is his grief and pity. I don't want his pity. I don't want anyone's fucking pity; I just want Fiona. My beautiful girl. Her long blonde hair reaching her perfect arse. Her big grey eyes staring deep into mine, showing her love for me. There will never be another woman for me. No other woman will own my heart.

I can still remember the day I first saw Fiona Sutton. It had been in the local park in the area where we lived. It was pretty run down, but we all hung out there. I was walking over with my boys to where this babe was sitting on a swing, talking to another girl. Her long blonde hair was over the one shoulder and her smile lit up her face. She was wearing baggy jeans that I knew would sit perfectly on her slim waist and a cropped jumper type top on that showed her midriff to everyone who wanted to see. I strutted over to her without a care in the world; I was Dexter fucking Castle and all the girls wanted me. Fuck, even the older girls wanted me. But my Fiona put up a chase. Of course, I got her in the end. She completed me.

I raise a hand to my chest, trying to ease the ache there as the memories of the one person that has owned my heart for so long drag me to a time I wish I could go back to. The pain never leaves me. She has been gone only five days. Snatched from me by a fucking arsehole who couldn’t be bothered to phone for a fucking taxi to drive his drunk arse home. No, he had to drive his flashy car and slam into ours, killing Fiona instantly. I ended up with a broken rib and some cuts and bruises. Fi’s side of the car took the full impact.

I lift my head once more and my eyes connect with my brother’s, but his gaze slides to something behind me. I turn my head and see her. The other. Addison Cole, our Addy. She has been in our little crew for years. She has always been like a little sister to us, but I know that she has a crush on me. But me being me, I had always brushed her off as an everyday annoyance, which she hated. But with me being with Fiona, I couldn’t admit that I stopped seeing her as a little sister when she was around fourteen; I was eighteen at the time. She walked into a party after being away on holiday for the six weeks school summer holidays, looking hot as fuck. Well, as hot as a fourteen year old girl could be. She was wearing a red checked skirt that was way too fucking short, a black t-shirt that was tucked into the skirt and black Doctor Martens boots.

My heart stutters in my chest as she makes her way over to me on the sofa. I haven’t seen Addy in three years, she left right after I asked Fiona to marry me. Addy came to my house the next night and told me that she was leaving. She told me that she couldn’t be around me and Fiona living happily together. It hurt her heart. She kissed me and left. I know that Jay kept in touch with her. But seeing her now makes my chest hurt ten times more. She is a completely different person. She is wearing a black lace, sleeveless dress that shows her tattooed arms. One has a complete sleeve and the other has a rose on her shoulder. I love them on her; my work being shown off. I watch as she stops in front of me; our eyes never leaving each others.

“Dex,” she whispers, my name sounding so pained as it leaves her mouth. Her voice sending a shiver through my body and I tense up.

“Addison,” I croak, my voice thick with emotion.

“How are you?” she asks, but before I can answer I hear her mutter “Stupid question” under her breath. Typical Addy trait. She always mutters under her breath. I chuckle, but it sounds foreign to me. I haven’t laughed since the accident. “Sorry,” she mutters.

“It’s fine Ads. Sit,” I tell her before I can stop the words. She slowly lowers herself onto the sofa next to me, carefully holding her dress around her legs. “Not something you’re used to, huh.” I nod to her dress.

“No. But today it was called for. I am so fucking sorry, Dex.” She sniffs, fighting back the tears.

“Don’t. Not you.” I shake my head in frustration. I don’t need her pity. I don’t fucking want it, not from her. She is the last person who should be sad about me losing my wife. Addy has wanted me for-fucking-ever.

“So, I can’t be sad that you lost her. You are one of my best friends, Dex.” She stands, eyes narrowed and her arms folded across her body, clearly pissed at me. “I know how much you loved her. You always will. Fuck. I shouldn’t have come here.”

“Clearly,” I mutter.

“I-I’m just gonna go. She will be missed, Dex,” with that she walks out the door. I drop my head and look at my shoes; my shiny black fucking shoes that I hate. I need to get out of these clothes, these shoes. Standing, I walk towards the stairs when I hear someone calling my name, but I blank them out. I can’t fucking breathe in this stuffy suit. Ripping the tie over my head I drop it on the floor, my suit jacket quickly following. I enter my bedroom. Our bedroom. I stop and take it in, seeing Fiona’s things scattered all over the place. She was a messy girl. Opening the buttons on my shirt, I kick my shoes off before I rip the shirt from my body and fling it across the room. My trousers soon follow. I yank open the walk-in wardrobe I built for us when we moved into this house and quickly pull on a pair of jeans and a plain grey t-shirt, before I slip my feet into my boots and walk back downstairs. I can hear everyone chatting away in all the rooms, but I couldn’t care less at what they have to say. None of them know how I am feeling right now.

My chest tightens as I gaze at the photo of me and Fi on our wedding day that hangs on the wall in the hallway. Fuck, I can’t breathe. I need to get out of here.

“Dex, where are you going?” I hear Jay call from behind me.

“Out,” I state.

“You can’t leave, brother. All the family is here.”

“And?” I ask. I really don’t want to get into this with him right now.

“Dex, listen-” But I cut him off.

“Just fuck off, Jay. You have no fucking clue how I am feeling right now. I can’t fucking breathe. I need to go.” I don’t wait for his reply; I leg it out the door. I hear him call my name but I ignore him and keep running. I run and run until my legs give out and my lungs are burning, begging me to stop. The burn does nothing to numb the pain of losing my wife. I don’t think anything will take that pain away.

I straighten up and look around me and I swear my heart fucking stops. I take in the house in front of me and close my eyes. My body shivers as the cold seeps through my clothes.

Well fucking hell.

It is the Cole’s house. Addy’s house.

I take in a deep breath and keep walking. I can’t face her today, or any other day.

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