Page 20 of Dex

Yesterday wasone of the scariest days of my life. The thought of losing my baby was heartbreaking. I feel for every parent that has to go through losing a child. I rub my bump, sending positive vibes that she is okay in there. A daughter. I am having a daughter. Well, we are. I know I hurt Dex, and I understand that he needs time to get his head around everything that I laid on him yesterday. I also need to deal with Lauren. That bitch had no right phoning him; it was my place to tell him. But, then again, I am glad she did. Fuck, my head is fried with everything that is happening. I feel the baby move and tears spring to my eyes. Shit, I hate crying. Dex isn’t here to feel it with me. It’s only recently that I have felt her move. The first time I cried so hard I almost threw up. Dex is missing this and it is my fault.

I thought he would come to visit me today, but I guess he is still hating me for what I did. I have thought so much this morning about texting him and asking how he is, but I’ve held off. He said he needed time, so I will give him time. I am not going to force him to be with me, but I want him in the baby’s life. She deserves her father. She didn’t do anything wrong, it is us that has caused all the pain. Placing my hands over my belly, I sit and feel my daughter move in there, trying to make herself comfortable. I chuckle at the feeling. Even if Dex wants nothing to do with us, I will be the best mum this little girl will ever have. Little girl. Shit, my daughter needs a name. I reach for my phone and open the Google app and type in ‘girl’s names’.

The website loads and I start scrolling through the names. A few jump out at me but nothing solid. I need to work out if the baby will have my surname or Dex’s.

Cole or Castle.

My phone dings as I am scrolling through, so I make a quick mental note of where I am on the page – the letter P – and check to see who has text me. My heart spikes and my body warms when I see Dex’s name.

Dex: How are you feeling?

Do I be bitchy that he didn’t check on me sooner? Or should I play nice?

Me: Fine.

Dex: Just fine? How is our girl?

Me: Fine. She moved this morning.

Dex: Fuck!!!!!

Me: ??

Dex: I fucking missed it. What else have I fucking missed?

I knew he would find a way to take a shot at me. This is typical Dex. He says that he forgives you but he slyly takes pot shots at you. Bastard.

Me: Don’t start Dex. I don’t need this right now. If you are going to be a dickhead, then you can fuck off and not talk to me.

Dex: You can’t be a bitch to me, Ads. You did this. You kept this from me.

Jesus fuck, it starts ringing. I see his face pop up and hit the ‘decline’ button. He can bollocks off if he thinks I am talking to him. If he wants answers he can get his tight, sexy arse down here and speak to me face to face. He rings again and again…

“Decline,” I sing the word as I hit the button, laughing to myself.

Google loads back up and I see that one name again. I say the name with my surname and Dex’s. I have to say, the name sounds fab with both of our names. I suppose we'll see how all this mess plays out. My phone rings yet again and I smile when I see his face on the screen. I answer it this time.

“Yes?”

“Addison,” he growls.

“Why the sudden change of heart, huh? You seemed hurt yesterday, but I got the gist that you still wanted to talk to me. Now today, you are an angry fucking troll. What changed?” I am met with silence. I wait for him to gather his thoughts. I must be bloody mad, sitting here waiting for him to find the right words to bitch me out. I look down at the chipped blue nail varnish I have on my left hand. Great, I forgot to re-do them.

“I’m struggling with this, Ads. I really fucking am. I hate you and love you at the same time. I want to hate you so fucking bad, but I get why you did it.”

“So why the anger?” I ask him.

“I’m hung-over to fuck. I came home last night had a lot to drink. Luke couldn’t spar with me for some bullshit reason, so instead of hitting someone, I hit the bottle instead. Shit needs to be dealt with, Addy. We need to talk this through but I’m finding it hard to look at you right now.”

Like that didn’t hurt.

This baby is making me an emotional wreck. I bite my bottom lip to stop it from trembling. But I fail. My chest feels like it is caving in and crushing my heart. I knew he was hurting, but not this much.

“Ads,” he whispers my name into the phone, emotion lacing his voice. This is hurting him, just as much as it is hurting me. His voice breaks my heart into a fucking million pieces.

“I get it. I will let Jay know when I am home, and I will pass on any information regarding the baby to him and he can tell you. I will let him know when the next scan is, and if you want to come and see the baby, then I guess that is up to you. I need to think of my health as much as this baby’s. Stay away, Dex. It’s for the best.” With that, I hang up. I cry into my hands. I cry for my baby. I cry for me and I cry for Dex. We will never be a family, that is clear - thanks to Captain Twat.

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