Page 84 of Outspoken

Ashley hands me and Destiny tequila shots, then raises her glass for a cheer. “To new beginnings!”

Destiny snort-laughs. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Yeah,” I say flatly. “I don't have any new beginnings. Just the same old shit.”

“Ugh. Fine,” Ashley responds, flicking a dark bang from her eyes. “To old friends and reunions?”

“To bitches reunited,” Destiny cheers, clinking her shot with ours. She and Ashley down their tequila.

I lift my shot halfway to my mouth, then my arm seizes up. I stare at the clear liquid. I've spent so long resisting my urges that it’s like a muscle reflex not to drink the poison. Now I'm giving myself permission—like eating a cookie after months of dieting. This feels taboo. Scary.

Wrong.

But everyone around me is doing it.

I’ll feel wonderful in just a moment.

Drink the poison.

Ashley and Destiny stare at me with anticipation. Finally, Destiny gently touches my arm. “You don't have to. You're staying sober, right? We can party without drinking.”

“Fuck no we can't,” Ashley cuts in, grabbing another shot off the bar. “I mean, don't drink if you don't want to, Amber, but I am. I thought you came here to finally have fun. I even brought Addy for now and Oxy for later. It's my gift to you, and they were fucking hard to get.” She rolls her eyes.

I look back at my shot, my stomach swimming. It's been so long since I've felt the euphoria of drugs in my veins. This is what I want, isn't it? To let go? To forget the past and just escape reality for a few hours?

I was only planning on drinking, but if Ashley has pills…

No. I'm only drinking. Just a few shots to help me relax and enjoy some fucking peace.

I nod at Ashley.

I came here to let loose.

This is what I want.

I want this.

I'll drink and everything will feel better.

I want this.

The tequila shot shakes in my hand as I lift it higher. “To old friends and reunions,” I say weakly.

Ashley downs another shot and grimaces from the sting. “Good. Let’s have some fucking fun.”

I nod again, open my mouth, then swallow. The tequila burns going down and before I can pause to think or feel—pause to let any guilt drive me crazy—I grab another shot from the bar and swallow that, too. Then I suck on a lime wedge. I down a third shot. I’ve built such a tolerance over the years, I’m sure I’ll need at least three for even a slight buzz.

“Fuck yes,” Ashley cheers while Destiny gives me a sympathetic smile.

I glance away. Maybe Destiny’s look was pity.

Ashley shoves a bag of little orange pills into my palm. “Wanna get started with these now?” she asks.

I quickly push the bag back before temptation wins. I’m only partying one night, and if I take any pills, this really will turn into a relapse. “I'm only drinking,” I say firmly.

Ashley lifts a cocky eyebrow at me. “Sure.For now.I know you, girl.”

“Let's find somewhere to chill,” Destiny interrupts, urging us both away from the bar and toward some outdoor furniture near an unlit fire pit.

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