Page 49 of Before I Deserved You
“Last night, after I dropped you off and went to see the guys?” I give him an encouraging nod when he visibly struggles to get the words out. “I had a few drinks and played some songs with Chase. You know? The usual. I didn’t realize how much I’d had until I got up to leave.”
He pauses to draw in an unsteady breath.
“Go on.”
“Chase wasn’t happy with me for wanting to take off so early and offered me something to turn my mood around. I remember telling him no at first, but the alcohol must’ve kicked in at that point, and I guess I let him talk me into it. I don’t know for sure because I can’t recall a single thing that happened after he waved that fucking pouch in my face. One moment I’m staring at it, the next I open my eyes and find myself … ” he trails off then, a shudder going through him as he presses the heels of his palms into his eye sockets. Suddenly, I know exactly where this is going, and I swear I can hear the sound of my naïve and stupid heart breaking. I struggle to breathe, choking on the anguished sound wanting to rip itself from deep within my soul. Only the need to hear him say it out loud keeps me from screaming and demanding answers. I have to hear the words fall from his lips, or else I’ll never believe it. He may have been going through a bit of a self-indulgent phase of late, but in my heart, I always thought he’d sort himself out. That he’d eventually find his way back to the caring, loyal boy I know and love. That version of him is still in there; he’d never do this to me—would he?
“Found yourself where, Jake?” I push, surprised by the strength in my voice, considering the way I’m shaking on the inside. Jake gives me a beseeching look, his lower lip wobbling with emotion. Then realization hits. He did it. He really did it.
“You slept with someone.”
His broken sob is the only sound in the room. A sound that, despite what it represents, still manages to tug at the strings of my shattered heart. It’s like all the fight leaves his body at once, and he’s left looking thoroughly defeated. Then he gives a single nod. A slight tip of the head—the faintest of movements—is all it takes to break me. I didn’t think it was possible to find out the boy you love with your whole being cheated on you, yet still have the overwhelming urge to wrap your arms around him and reassure him that everything is going to be okay. But with Jake, nothing’s ever been black and white. Suddenly, he launches himself off the chair and drops to his knees in front of me. Palming my ice-cold hands in his, he looks up at me with utter desperation.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I don’t know how I ended up at her place. All morning, I’ve willed myself to remember how I could’ve possibly let this happen, but anything after I left the fire pit is a blur. I love you more than anything, Tessa. You know I’d never do something like this in my right mind.” He sits back on his haunches and drags a trembling hand through his hair, his red-rimmed eyes pleading with me to believe him. “I don’t know what else to say. I have no excuses, but I need you to know that I’ve been beating myself up over this more than anyone else ever could. Say something. Please,” he croaks when I simply sit there, staring down at our joined hands in a daze.
“Who?” I whisper. The simple question may as well have been a slap, for Jake flinches like I physically struck him. We both know I already know the answer, but I want him to look me in the eye and say her name.
“Fuck.” He swallows hard, and I take a sick kind of satisfaction from the way he squirms.
“Who, Jake? Who did you fuck?” I screech in a high-pitched voice, no longer able to pretend this isn’t killing me. He startles, wiping the moisture from his eyes before he utters her name so low I barely hear it. Ever so slowly, I withdraw my hands, severing our connection with a finality that can be felt in every square inch of the room.
“Get out,” I say in a voice I don’t recognize. Cold and unfeeling. Detached. It’s like I’m no longer connected to my body. Like I’m floating overhead, nothing but a spectator watching the events unfold through someone else’s eyes. I’m in shock, but I know it won’t be long until the reality of the situation sinks its claws into me, and I need him gone before then. He doesn’t deserve a single tear. Not anymore.
“Please, Tessa. I swear it didn’t mean anything. How could it when I don’t even remember it happening? I love you, baby. I don’t care about Jessica.”
“You cared enough to stick your dick in her dirty snatch,” I spit, shocking myself with my crude words but too furious to even think about taking them back. “Don’t even try to justify what you’ve done. This is exactly what I was worried about. I mean, good Lord, we literally had an argument about this exact scenario less than twenty-four hours ago, where you ridiculed me for voicing my concerns and had the audacity to act like I was out of line. You promised me you weren’t interested in her. That I’m the only girl you want, and then you turn around and sleep with her? I might’ve been able to forgive you in time had it been anyone else. But Jessica Cartwright, Jake? Seriously?” I’m full-on shouting now, not worried about who might hear me or how devastated he looks.
“I didn’t mean to,” he whispers, but I’m no longer interested in his excuses. Nothing he says will make this right.
“How could you do this to me? Do you have any idea how humiliating this is? How will I ever be able to look her in the eye, knowing she finally got what she’s always wanted? I fucking trusted you. I just don’t understand.”
“I don’t understand it myself. I’m not lying when I say I don’t know how this happened.”
“Oh, I’ll tell you how it happened,” I snarl, really feeling myself now. “It happened because you didn’t listen to our warnings. It happened because you ignored us and kept on drinking and snorting lines, even though we told you you needed to sort yourself out time and time again. I practically begged you to slow down before you ended up killing yourself or did something you couldn’t take back. But you kept downplaying things, making us feel like we were unreasonable. Like I’m a nuisance whose sole purpose is to ruin your fun.” I’m panting now, barely hanging on to my sanity. “Your claim that you can’t remember doesn’t change the fact that you fucked her, Jake.Sheremembers. She remembers every second of your time together. What you looked like. The way you feel under her hands. The taste of your lips. The way you move. I bet she remembers every sordid detail, and it makes me sick that she now has that intimate knowledge of you forever. You need to leave.”
Jake’s bottom lip trembles as he slowly rises to his feet, moving like a broken man.
“I’m sorry, Tessa,” he says again, waiting for me to meet his eyes. I won’t. It hurts too damn much.
“Just go,” I beg, biting back the unwanted tears that are dangerously close to overflowing. I listen to his retreating footsteps as he reluctantly makes his way over to the door.
“I won’t give up on us,” I hear him say, determination bleeding through every word. “I’ll give you time because I betrayed your trust in the worst possible way. Actually, I’ve been taking you for granted and treating you poorly for some time, and I’m sorry it took something like this to make me realize that I have a problem. I should’ve listened to you instead of getting defensive. I promise to keep my distance until I’ve cleaned myself up but hear me when I say this. I’m coming back for you. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove I can be someone who deserves you because I can’t imagine a life without you. I need you, Tessa. Please, don’t give up on me.”
The click of the door closing is deafening, serving as a catalyst for the outpour of grief following his departure. I collapse onto the desk in front of me and release a series of sounds a trapped animal might make.
When my mother finds me in what feels like a small eternity later, she gives me a sympathetic smile and tucks me into bed. Then she crawls in beside me and simply holds me while I sob into her chest until my body is too exhausted to produce more tears.
Thirty-Two
Tessa
The day we’d all been eagerly awaiting has finally arrived, and I am officially no longer a student of Jenkins Creek High.
The graduation ceremony was held earlier in the day, and Jackie, who’s like a surrogate grandmother to a lot of us, is hosting a post-graduation party at her diner. She’s gone all out, going as far as hiring a DJ and laying out a huge spread for us to enjoy at no cost. People are mingling, laughing, and generally having a great time. Some are huddled around the long buffet table; others are letting loose on the makeshift dance floor, wearing big smiles and flushed cheeks. Whether that’s due to exertion or the copious amounts of alcohol buzzing through their veins, I can’t honestly say. Jackie made it very clear she wouldn’t be serving liquor, but that hasn’t stopped anyone from consuming it. There’s a variety of flasks and bottles hidden all over the surrounding property, and I’ve watched small groups sneak in and out the front doors all evening.
At first, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to attend. Seeing Jake receive the diploma we’d worked so hard for and being unable to hug him and tell him how proud I am had been incredibly difficult. I’ve felt his eyes on me all day, and it took an inhumane amount of willpower not to return his longing gaze. Istubbornly kept my eyes on the podium in front of me and only allowed myself to look at him when it was his turn to take the stage.
To say his monumental moment felt anticlimactic would be an understatement, considering how desperately he’d been looking forward to this day. He’d shaken the principal’s hand and flashed the audience a flat smile before he walked off again, like him putting in the work and graduating with his class wasn’t a huge deal. And maybe his father thought so, seeing as he hadn’t even bothered to show up for his son, but the ear-splitting whoops and hollers coming from his siblings told a different story. Still, not having a parent present at your own high school graduation must’ve been a tough pill to swallow, and witnessing the lack of joy on his face only made me feel worse about not being able to celebrate his achievements. But the pain he’s caused still sits like a boulder in my gut, and I just don’t have it in me to put my pride aside, even for a day.
