Page 50 of Before I Deserved You
Ever since he told me about Jessica, Jake has been relentless in his quest to earn my forgiveness. He showed up at my house at least three times a week, but I refused to see him. I’ve avoided him at every turn and eventually stopped answering his calls altogether.
Megan told me he was beside himself and that the guilt was slowly but surely eating him alive. Apparently, she saw him cry at Carter’s house, where she overheard him say he’d barely slept in weeks. I hate the thought of him suffering, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep giving him the cold shoulder. But every time I look at him, feelings of overwhelming anger and disappointment come flooding back, and I simply don’t know how to move past his betrayal.
I almost gave in a couple of weeks ago when he caught up with me after school.
“You can’t ignore me forever. I know I deserve it, but you’re leaving soon, and I can’t bear the thought of not being able to talk to you again before you go. Please, Tessa. I can’t take this anymore. We’ve been through too much together to let it end this way.” His ice-blue eyes implore me to give in as he reaches for my hand.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I tell him, jerkingmy hand back like his touch burns me. I ignore the stabbing sensation in my chest when my instinctual reaction makes him flinch. “You can’t expect me to just get over you sleeping with someone else and pretend it never happened. You broke my heart, Jake. I just don’t have it in me to forgive you right now, and I sure as hell can’t forget what you’re capable of.”
His shoulders slump in defeat, and he looks so miserable I truly wish there was a way for us to fix this.
“I just don’t know what to do,” he admits before his puffy eyes connect with mine. “Just tell me how I can make this right. I’ll do anything. I’m sorry, Tessa. I’ve never regretted anything more in my life. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I miss you so much it physically hurts.” He emits a heart-wrenching sound, something caught between a sob and a hiccup before he sinks his teeth into his bottom lip to trap the rest. “Please, baby,” he pleads, picking up my hand once more as he slowly inches closer. When he touches his forehead to mine, I screw my eyes shut and will myself to stay strong. “I need to know I haven’t lost you for good. That there’s a chance you can forgive me someday. I love you so much. You’re all I’ve ever wanted. All I think about. I can do better. I can be the man you deserve. You just need to give me a chance to prove it to you. What do you need from me? You want me to get down on my knees and beg? Done,” he says, dropping to the ground in front of me. Gripping my waist, he bends his head and presses his forehead to the soft swell of my stomach.
“For the love of God, Jake. Get up,” I hiss, scanning the surrounding area to make sure nobody’s watching. Partly because I hate being the center of attention, and this little display would most definitely get the tongues of the town gossips wagging. But also, because part of me will always be fiercely protective of this beautiful, broken boy currently kneeling at my feet, and watching him offer me his pride on a silver platter simply doesn’t feel right. These people have looked down their noses at him for way too long, throwing him pitying looks because of who his father is. I’ll be damned if I give them any more ammunition to use against him.
“Is this what you want?” he asks,glancing up at me from beneath damp lashes. “You want me to grovel? I’ll grovel for the rest of my life if I have to. Just, please. Don’t shut me out anymore. It’s killing me.”
His words are a cracked plea, and the raw emotion swimming in his eyes is too much to bear. I lay a shaky hand on the top of his head, digging my fingers into his locks in an effort to ground myself. To hold myself together. Then I sink to my knees, too, no longer caring who bears witness to our tragedy. As soon as my hands find his face, his eyes flutter shut, and he releases a shuddering breath. Like he’s been deprived of tenderness and compassion for so long, my touch brings him a physical kind of relief. I kiss each of his eyelids softly and wait for him to meet my gaze before I speak.
“I wish there was a way for me to forgive you. To erase your confession from my memory and live in blissful ignorance. You’re the love of my life, Jake. You’ll always hold a special place in my heart, and I won’t ever forget a single moment we’ve had together. I’ll forever cherish our memories and the love we got to share.” I inhale. Holding my breath for a count of three before releasing it in a steady stream. Then, I offer him a wobbly smile. “But you hurt me, Jake. Deeply. What you did irrevocably broke my trust, and you simply can’t undo it. There’s no coming back from this. I might be able to forgive you someday so that we may salvage our friendship, but you have to give me time. Pressuring me and pushing me to give you more than I have to offer isn’t fair.” I track the single tear rolling over his cheek and watch it fall from his quivering chin. I take a moment to memorize his features. Every line, crinkle, and tiny imperfection. Then I rise to my feet. “Goodbye, Jake,” I whisper before I force myself to turn away.
Leaving him kneeling in the dirt while his big shoulders shook was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. There was this strong and resilient boy. Someone who’s faced unimaginable hardships for most of his young life without ever breaking, reduced to a sobbing mess because of me. It was a humbling sight I never wish to seeagain.
We haven’t spoken since, and as much as I miss him—and probably always will—his actions caused a fissure in the very foundation of our relationship, and I have no idea how to keep the house from falling down around us.
When I arrived at the party a couple of hours ago, it surprised me to find out Jake wasn’t coming. Carter later told me Jake had chosen to stay home so I could enjoy my night without the awkwardness of us having to be in the same room together. Ninety minutes later I’m still unsure whether to be relieved or saddened by his selfless sacrifice. After all, it’s his graduation party as much as it is mine, and Jake worked harder than anyone to get here.
But I’m here now, so I may as well pretend I’m not dying inside as I grieve the loss of what should’ve been one of the happiest nights of our lives. I eat the food, down the obligatory alcoholic beverage in the back of the parking lot, chat with friends, and even indulge Megan on the dance floor for a couple of songs until I reach a point where I can no longer keep up the charade.
Jake’s missing out on this special moment in time. He’s most likely sitting at home, holed up in his room, reading comics with Jude or watching silly YouTube videos with Anna, while trying to stay out of his father’s way. Because of me. Because I can’t stop punishing him for something he so obviously regrets. Suddenly, I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m about to tell Megan of my decision to call it a night when Jessica Cartwright and her entourage arrive, striding into the place like the event was held in their honor. Deciding to shoot my friend a text rather than interrupt her slow dance with Carter, I make my way toward the front doors, hoping to get past the ‘Mean Girls’ without being seen, but no such luck. A bony hand latches onto my forearm and draws me to a halt, a mere stone’s throw away from the exit and the freedom it represents. Straightening my spine, I inhale deeply and turn to face my arch nemesis with a regal expression.
“What can I do for you, Jessica?”
The calculating smile tugging at her lips leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
“I was just wondering if Jake was coming out tonight. Figured since you’re not willing to give the poor guy a break, I might just try my luck again. You don’t mind, do you? Seeing as you’re clearly done with him.”
Oh, the nerve of the two-faced snake. How do people like her sleep at night?
“You’d have to ask him yourself. As you’ve so rudely pointed out, we’re not together anymore, thanks to your general lack of conscience. Feel free to do whatever you want. We both know my feelings on the matter are of little consequence to you.” I give her a tight smile as I remove her smarmy touch. I allow myself a brief moment to picture her on her knees at my feet, face twisted into a mask of anguish, while I break her fingers one by one in the order of which I pry them off my arm. Then I let the image go and tell her in the politest way possible, “Now, if you don’t mind. I’m here to celebrate with my friends, which begs the question. What are you doing here, seeing as you graduated last year?” I arch an eyebrow, enjoying how her upper lip curls. “I get it,” I go on. “Holding Queen Bee status will most likely always be the highlight of your sad and pathetic life, so I understand if you find it hard to move on.”
I wait for my petty words to penetrate that tiny bird brain before I shoulder past her, ignoring the curious look our little stand-off has drawn. I’m almost to the door when Jessica’s next words hit me like a bullet to the heart.
“You know, I did ask Jake if he was sure he wanted to go through with it just before he pushed himself inside me. I tried giving him an out in case he wanted to patch things up with you. You know what he said while he kissed his way up my body?” Jessica closes the distance and lowers her voice so only I can hear when she whispers, “'I’ve wanted this for years, and I’m done fighting it. Forget about Tessa. Right now, I only want you.' And then he took me. Good God, did he take me! That man sure knows his way around a woman’s body. I mean, good Lord, I’ve never been fucked like that in my life. But I don’t have to tell you that, do I?” she asks, drawing back to let me see the malicious twinkle in her evil eyes. “I can’t believe you refuse to take him back. I’d forgive just about anything if it meant I’d get to experience all that raw male power over and overagain. And the stamina,” she hums, rolling her eyes in ecstasy. “He doesn’t need much recovery time, does he? We must’ve gone at it at least three or four times that night. He was insatiable.”
I ignore the hot tears stinging the back of my eyes and choke back my reply. There’s nothing left to say. She won, and I’m no longer interested in her little mind games. Not giving her the reaction she’s looking for, I push through the door and sprint across the parking lot, where I collapse against the side of the neighboring building. Pressing myself into the shadows, I wrap my arms around myself and give in to the pain. For the first time since I was eleven years old, I find myself wishing we never moved to this godforsaken town.
Thirty-Three
Jake
My heart is about to punch a hole through my chest as my entire body hums with adrenaline. By the time I arrive at Tessa’s house, I all but crash through her bedroom door in my desperation to get to her. My whole system is working overtime. Her head whips around at the sudden intrusion, caramel eyes popping when she takes in my disheveled appearance.
I must look like an absolute savage with my messy hair, wild eyes, and heaving chest. I’ve ridden my bike like a madman to get here, almost causing an accident when I ran a stop sign at the town’s busiest intersection.
She’s sitting at her desk, the late afternoon sun bathing her in a golden glow, mouth slightly agape from the shock of seeing me in her space, I’m sure. After all, it’s been four long, agonizing weeks since we last saw each other, and I almost forgot how goddamn beautiful she is.
“How did you get in here?”
