Page 32 of Mahogany 1

All of a sudden, he wanted to talk. The man that never liked to talk about anything had so much to say. So much to defend. Fuck him. I didn’t want to hear anything he had to say.

Instead of leaving like I hoped he would, he kneeled in front of me. Gazing up at me with raised brows, I could see the pain and lack of sleep in his eyes. You think I cared? Absolutely not. I wondered if he could see the same in mine. I tossed and turnedall night, the same way I did before I got on that couch with that bottle of wine.

“I’m not letting us continue the day like this. We have people?—”

“No we don’t,” I interrupted. “I told you I didn’t want a party.”

He hung his head low, shook it and reached out to touch me. I pulled my knees further up against my chest, wrapping my arms around them, resting my head there.

“You can’t do this to us, Ne. You gotta hear a nigga out.”

“I don’t have to do anything,” I told him as a breeze beat against my skin, whipping through my hair.

I closed my eyes and imagined I was anywhere but there. Didn’t want to be anywhere near him. Wished I was on that white sand beach, away from it all. Wished I was fifteen again. Wished I could be given a second chance. If it were possible, I would have walked the other way. Wouldn’t have walked by him and his friends. Wouldn’t have given him the time of day. Wouldn’t have had a crush at all on Ducati Morris.

Forgetting him, never knowing him, would have been easier. Did I love my children? Absolutely but my kids were mine and I would have had them regardless. At a better time in my life, as a better me, with a better man. I wanted a do over. Life was unfair. I wasn’t dramatic. Wasn’t being a brat. Just… I was a woman scorned who deserved better than what God had given her. Turned my back on the church because of that, too.

“We’re a team, Mahogany. A team. You can’t just shut me out, baby,” Duke continued to plead, his cries falling on deaf ears. “Can you at least come down for breakfast in a couple?”

I didn’t say anything to that neither. Just nodded, promising to attend breakfast only because my kids would be present. I was living for them. Doing for them. Once again. Doing for everyone but Mahogany. I was tired. Dead tired. Regardless of how tired Iwas, I still couldn’t come to a solid decision. Did I stay, or was I to leave? Was it truth? Or insecurities?

10

DUKE

“Dad—”

“Why you not dressed yet, Honesty? I left the clothes on the bed?—”

“I don’t think mommy is coming,” she said, twiddling with her braid. “She called us and said?—”

“Listen,” I interrupted, looking around her room, trying to find the clothes I put out for her. “She coming. Alright baby? Where yo’ dress at? I put it right on the bed.”

Shit was crazy. School ended about two hours ago and I was still trying to get the kids dressed in a fresh pair of clothes. Had to because Mahogany still hadn’t come home from work yet and the party was scheduled to start in an hour and a half. I wasn’t even sure if she was coming home or not, to be honest. Last night, shit got bad. Mahogany flipped on me. Accused me of cheating, called bitches, put her hands on me and everything. She was out of it. Heartbroken over nothing because I wasn’t cheating. Hadn’t cheated in years, remember? The shit I was on had nothing to do with cheating, but I couldn’t come out and tell her that. Couldn’t tell her the woman I cheated on her withtwoyears agowas dead and the little girl she had was supposedly mine.

Yeah, E was gone. About two hours after Rochelle called me with the news of her declining, she hit me with a text, telling me she was gone. I was… devastated. Both because Erika deserved better and because my entire life was about to change. I would be solely responsible for a child I didn’t want. I was caught between a rock and a hard place. Conflicted because either way it went, my marriage was threatened. On one hand, I thought, fuck it, let her think I’m cheating. The latter was better than the truth. In my opinion it was at least. Felt like I might’ve had a fighting chance with the cheating. I really didn’t know what she would do if she found out about the baby. At least I knew what to expect from the suspected cheating.

“Mommy told me to put it up because the party was canceled. Is… is mommy okay? She said she’d be back tomorrow and?—“

“She what?” I sighed, tossing my head back. “Listen, mommy is just… she’s running a little late. I think work ran over.”

“She wasn’t at work when she called. She was in the car and?—”

“Aubry!” I shouted, steady trying to find the dress I sat out for Honesty. “Honesty! Find your dress and slip it on for me baby girl, okay? The party starts in two hours, and I still need to fuck with your hair, aight? Help me out a little.”

“Okay daddy,” she somberly said, walking away over to her dresser where she pulled the dress out from the drawer. “I can fix my own hair,” she mumbled.

I glanced over at her and placed my hands on my waist with a deep sigh.

I was losing it. Between what was going on with my marriage, I had to manage grief. Yeah, I was grieving. Mourning the loss of my old side bitch. Fucked up right? In my defense, she wasn’t a regular pass around ass bitch. I spent quality time with her.Fucked with her heavy. Sometimes, I even thought I might’ve loved her; we were so tight. She wasn’t ontheepedestal, but when it came to women I cheated on my wife with, she was on that one. Above them all. Feeling a way at all about her death made me feel like shit. Like Iwasactually cheating on Mahogany. So yeah, I was hurt. Imagine trying to manage devastating news while your marriage on the verge of ending over some shit that wasn’t true?

I was shook. But something in the back of my mind told me we would be alright. Might’ve been delusion or shit… my ego. Either way it went, I knew I couldn’t lose my shorty. She meant more to me than anything in the fucking world. If we could get past this, I would figure some shit out with Diary if she ended up being mine. Which shit, Iknewshe was. Didn’t need the paper, remember? That shit killed me, honestly. Being so confident without the paperwork. I just needed clarity. Put a rush order on that shit and everything. A nigga was scrambling trying to figure out how to work that into my life too. Already. Without the results.

Stress was bubbling over.

I didn’t know where my wife was. Shewasn’tat work. I just told Honesty that because hell… what else was I supposed to say? That I didn’t know where she was or if she was coming to her party or to the crib at all? I stopped by the job earlier with a bouquet of roses to surprise her and her assistant, Tamia, told me she hadn’t come in for the day. I called, called, and called but got nothing but the voicemail. She… shit was falling apart. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on with my life, but the shit was crumbling.

Couldn’t really imagine what life would be like if it crumbled completely and I was left without my wife. Had a couple ideas. Could see myself walking through the doors of a brand-new house, to an empty home with no love attached to it. Sparklewouldn’t be meeting me at the door with hugs and kisses. I wouldn’t be able to peek my head in Gabe’s room for a couple games of 2K. Wouldn’t be able to sit and check in on Bre. Wouldn’t be able to play a couple rounds of UNO with Honesty whenever I wanted. Life would be fucked up. I would be miserable and unhappy, dreading home the whole way there. That’s what I saw in the cards for me. Just… misery and a lot of nights spent crying my dumb ass to sleep.

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