Page 31 of Mahogany 1

“Stop,” I croaked through tears. “Just stop, bro.”

I pried his hands from around my waist and pulled away. With a shaky hand, I popped the cork on the wine bottle and took it to the head. Fuck it. I was polishing it off. I needed a couple edibles. Needed something to numb the pain in my chest. What type of shit was this? After finishing the bottle, I pushed it across the island, knocking it onto the floor, right where he stood, on his knees still.

While Duke jumped back, avoiding shattering glass, I stepped over him and it. Before I could get too far, he grabbed me again, holding onto me by the waist. I pushed him in the face and told him to let me go.

He wouldn’t.

Said he refused to.

“I’m—look! I—we—we put too much in for you to just skate on a nigga. Aight! I’m not letting you go, NeNe! We—we gotta fix this shit, man! What I gotta do to get you to believe me?”

“Ay, what’s goin on?”

At the sound of Gabriel’s voice, I looked over my shoulder and quickly snatched away from Duke. Shit, shit, shit!

“Nothin—go back to bed, G,” Duke said, standing. “And watch out for that glass, too.”

Gabriel looked back and forth between me and Duke with dipped brows, unmoving. “Ma… You good?” He asked, sizing me up, studying me.

I wiped my face with both hands and put on a forced smile. Nodding, I told him I was okay. “Yeah, baby. I just—I dropped my bottle of?—”

“Didn’t I just tell you to take yo ass to bed, Gabriel!?” Duke yelled.

I turned and looked at him with my head cocked to the side, ready to go to war behind my baby, just as much as he was ready to go to war behind me.

Again, Gabriel ignored him, keeping his focus on me. His sad, worrying brown eyes washed over me again and he asked for a second time, “Ma… Are you good?”

Gabriel was worried sick. Had to be. His dad was intimidating as hell, standing at over six feet, ripped with a booming voice that demanded respect. He didn’t play when it came to the kids not listening, but Gabriel didn’t seem tocare one bit about the consequences that could come out of disobeying his dad.

I stepped over a few pieces of glass and stood in front of him. Cupping his face, I told him I was good and that he needed to go to bed because he had school in a couple of hours. Before kissing him on the cheek, I told him I loved him. Gabriel was old enough to see I wasn’t okay but becauseItold him to go to bed, he walked away, reluctantly, looking over his shoulder every so often.

I didn’t say another word to Duke. Instead, I gave Gabe a little time to get to his room before I headed in the same direction, while Duke somberly cleaned up the mess I made. I wanted to leave. Didn’t want to spend another second in the house with Duke, but I was stuck. Tomorrow was school and well… Icouldn’tjust leave. When I made it to the room, I made sure to lock the bedroom door behind me, letting his ass know he could not sleep with me.

At five,my alarm sounded, pulling me out of my sleep. Turning over, I grabbed my phone and hit the stop button, staring at the date on the top of the screen. It was my birthday. Yay.

It was safe to say I didn’t wake up in a good mood. Last night wore me out physically and emotionally. But there was more. A lot more. All I ever wanted was to actually have a happy birthday. Every year since I was turning sixteen had been spent longing for something else. Eighteen years of not getting what I wanted had a toll on me and didn’t make looking forward to birthdays enjoyable. At all. I woke up to a wet pillow every year because every year had been spent caring for and being a version of myself, I truly did not want to be. It was ridiculous. Mylonging for true unwavering happiness and a tad bit of freedom. All I wanted was a cabana or something on a white sand beach. Wanted to wake up to the sunrise and waves crashing. And true happiness. The white sand beach, the cabana and the sunrise would only be that without the happiness. I was truly clawing for it. It was sad… not knowing what it meant to be completely free and happy. At thirty-four I was still doing the things I did at fifteen.

But this was the life I was handed. Didn’t matter how often I sat, with my eyes to the ceiling, fantasizing about a life that felt very, very out of reach. Every year, that island getaway and happiness seemed further and further away from me.

With the backsides of my hands, I swiped my tears away and sat up on side of the bed. The smell of bacon immediately filled my nostrils, and I sighed. He was making breakfast. A birthday breakfast. The only time he got up before me was on my birthday for the breakfast. It was a Mills-Morris household tradition. Every birthday, the birthday person was woken up to their favorite meal. Today, I didn’t want it. Didn’t want them to barge into my room, praising me with hot food and a mimosa. Today, I didn’t want anything but a happy birthday from my kids and then to be left alone.

Swinging my legs to the side of the bed, I stood and walked over to the balcony doors that overlooked my backyard. Shaking my head, I thought about what I told him about the party. I prayed to God he texted them people and told them the party was off. If not, and they showed up, that would be a mess for him to clean up. I no longer gave a damn about saving face. Didn’t care that they would ask questions or any of that. Family made me put on a mask I didn’t like to wear. Happiness. Within my marriage, and hell, within my life. I was slowly losing my got damn mind in both. What I needed more than a birthday celebration, or gifts was a therapy session. But then again, didI even really want that? To see that look of ‘I told you so’ on Chanté’s face? Hell no. I needed to isolate.

When I got like this, I sifted through the mess to find something to be grateful for. But honestly, life was kicking my ass. The only good thing about it was the contracts I kept securing. Business was good, but I wanted everything to be that way. Sometimes, I felt ungrateful. Like, I wouldn’t get what I wanted because I spent so many years complaining about what I didn’t have.

With a sigh, I opened the doors and walked out, allowing the early morning breeze to sweep across my face. I sat on the chaise lounge and pulled my knees up, enjoying the breeze that crept between the little opening in my pajama shorts.

I didn’t expect to bring my birthday in with insecurities. Not like I used to. I just… thought it’d be like any other birthday for the past couple of years. Bleak. Longing, with that invisible clock hanging over my head. Time was flying.

Hearing the balcony door slide open pulled me out of my thoughts. I didn’t move. Kept my eyes straight ahead, on the red cardinal sitting on the fence. I tensed up the minute I could see Duke in my peripheral.

“Good morning,” he greeted, closing the door behind him.

I didn’t say anything. It wasn’t a good morning. Was before he came out.

“Look, bae, I?—”

“Please. Not right now,” I interrupted.

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