Page 35 of Mahogany 1

After I left the house this morning, I decided, fuck it. For today, I’ll give up. For today, I’ll just exist. As no one. I’ll just get a room, chill, and be. I booked a nice one too. Had one of the most expensive suites at The Whitney downtown. It was perfect.

It was my fucking birthday and all I’d done all day was ruminate. Fantasize really. Wondered what could have been or would have been had Aubry never happened. Wondered how life and love for me would be if I didn’t tell him yes when he asked me to marry him. Wondered a lot. Sat with a lot. Insilence because if I didn’t, I would be too loud. Chaos would turn into a catastrophe. Sometimes I did that. Sat alone and just… thought. Whenever I was alone, left with thoughts and forbidden fantasies of a life without them, I relished in it. Soaked it all up. Because I only had a moment. Only had today where I could allow myself to break a little. But soon, I’d have to put myself back together and go back to them, and reality too. Because despite how appealing and freeing allowing the dam of destruction to over-pour into life seemed... I couldn’t let it.

I was the glue that held everything together.

What a fucking oxymoron. I was glue and the pretty shattering pieces of art too.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Opening my eyes, I looked towards the bathrooms exit at the sound of someone knocking on the hotels door. Room service. Had to be. Right before I got in the tub, I ordered me a nice steak dinner. When I said I was using today for relaxing, I meant it. I didn’t want to move a muscle. Didn’t want to be needed anywhere or called on neither, so I turned my phone off too. Tomorrow, I’d be Mahogany Mills-Morris—unfortunately. Tonight. I just wanted to exist as me.

“One second!” I yelled, as I climbed out of the tub.

Grabbing the terry cloth bathrobe behind the bathroom door, I slipped it on and hurried out to answer the door.

“I’m sorry?—“

Upon answering, I was surprised and pissed to see that it wasn’t room service at all, but Sienna instead. Before she pushed her way in, she handed me my iPad, basically letting me know she’d tracked me down, using it. I was at a lost for words, as I slowly closed the door, with my head down a bit. Fuck. I forgot my iPad was at her house. I was so buzzed the night I left it there for my location that I forgot to pick it up afterward.

“Here we go,” I mumbled, closing the door behind me.

I didn’t want to answer any questions. Didn’t want to talk about why, at the time my party was scheduled to start, I was at a hotel room. For damn sure didn’t want to talk about whatever Duke told them when he canceled it.

“What’s going on? Do you know how hard it was for me to convince them to let me up? Thank God the guest service clerk was young and new,” Sienna said, staring me down with a look of concern on her face. “The other night, you show up at my house with that iPad, and today, Duke callin’ everybody talking about the party rescheduled to next week?—”

I laughed.

Literally, laughed. The man was diabolically delusional. The party was rescheduled. The fuck out of here. I didn’t have that type of time nor give a fuck to do that. I didn’t want a party to begin with; I wanted to be left alone but apparently; I couldn’t get that neither. Not even if I paid a pretty penny to get it.

“Nothing is going on,” I stated, with air quotations. “I’m relaxing.” I sized her up and down. “At least I’m trying to, damn.”

Sienna sighed and pace. “NeNe,” she stressed. “I’m trying really hard not to be in your business. I mean, we have an understanding and shit like that but NeNe…” Pausing, she shook her head. “I can’t keep minding my business. I don’t know shit about what goes on in your household but it’s something. You steady goin’ to that fuckin’ club, using me as an alibi and shit and for the most part I let it slide.”

No she didn’t.

Every time I had to use Sienna as an alibi, she showed up either at my house or job the next day, snooping, asking questions, trying to make sure Duke and I were okay. How okay could we have been if I was going to a fucking sex club? Didn’t matter if I was there to get fucked on or not, I was there. I nevertold her anything. Just that I needed a night to cool off and that was that. Think that ever helped? Fuck no.

I made the mistake of giving her a one night only pass to Pandora’s a few years ago and it backfired like hell. Not once did I think she would figure out it was me that gave it to her. But kids, bro. Honesty got into my shit and was running around with my mask on one night Sienna was there. It just so happened that, that very night, New Years Eve, Sienna was on the floor, and she saw me have a threesome.

Sitting with that fucked with me for a long time. She wasn’t supposed to see me. Hell, I wasn’t supposed to be there. I was supposed to be at my parents’ house, celebrating with them but because Duke lied and said he had some company New Years Eve party, to fuck with a bitch, I lied and said Duke and I were going to his company’s party. What company party? If it was on like that, he would have invited me to come, right? At that stage in my marriage, I didn’t give a fuck about a thing. He could tell me he was going to the moon to work on one of the craters and I would nod, smile, and tell him to have a good flight. Just to end up at Pandora’s hours later, fucking and squirting on a dick I did not really want.

Anyway.

Yeah.

Sienna knew a little bit of my business. Too much of my business, really. I’d only invited her to the club because she needed to experience what I did whenever I was there. An orgasm since she’d never experienced one with a man. However, she ended up getting what I experienced all together. Fireworks with a stranger. Luckily for her, she married hers.

“You let it slide?” I snidely asked. “No you don’t. Not at all. Like you couldn’t let this slide. You grabbed my iPad, tracked my location and showed up, as if me not having the party didn’t make wanting to be alone obvious enough.”

“Hold up,” she said with her hands up, laughing a bit. “You mad at me because I’m worried about you? Bitch, you out here moving completely different and I’m supposed to just be like… ‘oh, it’s cool. Mahogany don’t usually act like this but because she’s a grown ass woman, I’ll just let her be’? Instead of checking on my sister? Oh shit, I apologize for giving a fuck.”

I toyed with the belt on the robe, looked to the floor, and then over to the windows, to avoid eye contact. She had a point. I was moving funny. Would have never canceled a birthday party a couple of months ago. But the thing was, I wasn’t moving funny. I was moving like someone who was tired of keeping up appearances. Someone who was tired of being perfectly poised Mahogany to everyone on the outside but crumbling, suffering Mahogany on the inside. I just want—needed a break. That was it. A break from life. But I guessed me needing a break was a red flag.

“I just need a break, Si,” I mumbled, swallowing my emotions. “Just needed a fuckin’ break. That’s it.”

Sienna crossed her arms over her chest. “That’s obvious, Ne.” Sighing, she paused. “Can we talk? I didn’t tell Duke, or anybody else where you was at. Hazel still texting me, asking if I talked to you. But… I didn’t tell her anything because… you know.”

Hazel, my other sister, knew a little something about what was going on with me. The same as Sienna, she knew about Pandora’s and that I went thereonce. It was more than once, of course but Hazel only knew about that one time, and I wanted to keep it that way. Sienna being in my business was enough. I didn’t need to explain anything to anybody but if somehow got out that I was a part of a secret sex club, it would be a mess. I trusted Sienna because she and I had a deeper bond. Would have been easier to deal with Hazel knowing and not her, to be honest since my sister was a free spirit and might’ve understood more.But it was the way it was, and I had to deal the way I’d been dealing.

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