Page 36 of Mahogany 1

“I don’t want to talk,” I dismissed, as I walked off to find something to throw on.

I didn’t have any clothes with me. Just what I wore to ‘work’. I didn’t plan to get dressed, at all. Just wanted to lounge around in the robe all day. But… I had company and my little getaway was ruined. I’d been pulled right back down to reality with this shit. That I couldn’t run. Facing that reality so soon wasn’t on the bingo card for me. I wanted peace and solace, remember? Didn’t want to worry about work, family, or friends. Just… wanted to be Mahogany. But there I was again, sporting that mask again. That, ‘I’m okay, girl’ mask. There were cracks in it, obviously because she could see I wasn’t okay. I was sure the mud mask I had on had tear-lines on it. Could just imagine how crazy I looked, answering the door like that. Just imagine if it was room service and not her. Maybe I wouldn’t have cared as much. Strangers were easier. Showing me to people that knew me was pretty hard.

Sienna followed behind me. I hated it. Reminded me of Duke last night, and any other night we’d get into it. He stayed on my heels, talking… just… talking. Trying to get me to listen. Trying to get me to see a point of view that was clearly a lie. It felt like bullying. Like, I should turn around and smack her. But she wasn’t Duke, and she wasn’t trying to force me to believe a lie. She wanted me to talk. Wanted honesty I couldn’t give her. I needed it. To talk. To spill. To vent but… How could I tell her it’d all been a lie? The happy relationship? The happy marriage? How could I tell her I was drowning every day? Regretting nearly everything I did except for Couture?

“I feel like you need to,” Sienna softly said. “Listen sis, I know how rough shit can be. I just—I don’t want you to feel alone.”

I glanced over my shoulder at her.

Except I was alone.

Had a husband, four kids, two sisters, both parents and two women I kind of considered friends but I was alone. Alone in my struggles. Alone with my sorrows, my regret, my sadness… Sienna couldn’t do anything to help me feel any less alone than I already felt.

“Thank you but?—”

“Talk to me, Ne,” She interrupted. “Or… if you don’t want to talk, I can call Hazel, and we can just chill. Have a girls night. You know Kiki on her way here. Her flight was delayed. I could call her, and we can just do the shit we used to do. No niggas, no kids, no nothing. Just us. Edibles and drank,” she joked with a light smile. “Or… if you want to be alone, I’ll respect it but I’m not leaving. I’ll sit my ass in a corner until checkout time, quiet as a church mouse. I’m not leaving you like this. Okay sis?” She reached up, wiped tears from my muddy face and dropped a couple of her own. “Please let me stay.”

I was a mess. Allowed the tears to roll freely down my face, with a head nod. “Ladies night… Ladies night don’t… it don’t sound too bad. But don’t?—”

“I won’t. I swear to God, I won’t say anything about this. But you have to promise me a conversation, Ne. Because this ain’t you. This ain’t you at all and?—”

“But how do you know that, Sienna?” I asked throwing my hands up. “What if this is me? Hm? What if big sis ain’t got it all together like everybody think? You know how exhausting it is? To show up as the person everybody think you are, when you’re literally… deteriorating, dying slowly on the inside? I—I’m trying, Sienna. But I can’t?—”

“You can’t what, Mahogany? Please don’t tell me that mean what I think it mean,” she interrupted with pain etched deeply in her expression.

I waved her off. “No. I’m not—no, I’ll never do that. I’m just saying… sis… I’m sad. Like, really fuckin’ sad.”

She embraced me. Wrapped her arms around me and held me tighter than I’d been held in a long time. It felt good to feel the love she had from me in her touch. I hadn’t felt that neither. Genuine love from someone who actually cared. Duke’s hugs and kisses might’ve been filled with it, but I was in so much pain and had so much resentment toward him that I couldn’t feel it.

“I don’t—I haven’t done—” I paused. “I didn’t do anything the last time I was there. At ‘that fucking sex club’. I swear to God I just—I needed a break, Si. That’s it.”

“Shhh,” she said, as we rocked back and forth. “You don’t have to explain. I just want you to be okay. If you break, I don’t want you to break alone. I want to be right here with you.”

She broke before.

Isolated. Went quiet. Changed a little. I doubt it if she broke as much as I was breaking but she understood to an extent. I didn’t think anybody in my life would be able to wrap their minds around just how much pain I was in. I—Mahogany Mills—cheated on my husband, the love of my life, for years. I lost myself, before I could even really find her. Fell out of love with me, before I fell out of love with him. Had colossal sized resentment for him, me, and my life. I was a mess and would be for a minute. I didn’t think anything could help me for real. Didn’t think that if somehow someway, I was introduced to that feeling again… the one I got from Pandora’s that night, that I’d be able to appreciate it. I was so got damn damaged it made no sense.

The next day,I woke up to the sound of my alarm and three big grown bitches in my bed. Last night was amazing. After Sienna convinced me to have a ladies night, she went out and got me a pair of white silk pajamas from a nearby boutique so we could have a pajama party. It was the best decision she could have made because baby when I say we were on our TLC Creep, we were on our TLC Creep. Naoki and Hazel were dressed in white pajamas too and came through with gifts, tequila, wine, and edibles too. We spent the night talking shit, getting buzzed, and eating sushi, pizza, and lemon pepper wings. It felt like I was twenty-something again and we were linking for our weekly ladies nights.

But the minute my alarm sounded it was back to reality. And reality was, I had to get to the office for a Saturday meeting. I didn’t typically have meetings on Saturday’s or a day after my birthday but because this one was so important and could only be scheduled on that particular day, I had to go into the office. Today was one of the days where I wished I could use my staff and my staff alone but the contract with Skylight Industries was a big one and I didn’t want to risk losing it. Didn’t want to risk seeing my weak ass husband neither so I wouldn’t be going into the house at all for clothes—I was wearing the same pant set I wore yesterday morning when I told him I was going into work.

Thanks to stopping at Walmart before I came in yesterday morning, I had everything I needed to get ready—MacBook to go over the clients profile, too. Wasn’t it both amazing and sad how I could just turn that on and off? My emotions. Just yesterday I was having a full-on meltdown, ready to say fuck everything, right? While today it was right back to Mahogany the businesswoman, and later on it would be back to Mahogany the wife and mother.

I had to go home.

Sadly.

Couldn’t stay here forever. Not because I gave a fuck about Duke but because I cared about my kids, and I knew they were worried sick about me. Yesterday, before Duke swallowed his pride and canceled the party, I gave them a courtesy call. Just to let them know I was okay and that I was just taking a little getaway to clear my mind. I called Gabriel privately to have a little chat with him. However, I wasn’t sure if he was convinced about any of it since he was quiet most of the call. I woke up with that on my mind, heavy. Which was why I really did have to go home after work. I was dreading it. Seeing him, knowing what I knew, having to deal with what I had to deal with. Going back to wearing that mask was going to be the hardest. I really couldn’t stand Duke.

Last night, with the girls, was refreshing as hell. It was nice, spending a couple of hours too drunk and high, having fun, to think about a damn Ducati Morris. I wished I could stay in this bubble for the rest of my life. But… my life was my life and I had to get back to it regardless of how painful it was.

“What time is it?” Slurred Naoki, Sienna’s best friend, squirming awake, kicking Sienna in the process.

Since the room was only for me, I really had three grown bitches on the king-sized bed with me. It was uncomfortable, but again… refreshing. I wished we could have another sleepover. I didn’t want the moment to end.

“Eight,” I told her, before reaching over to the nightstand for a bottled water. Those damn edibles had me dehydrated as hell.

“Too damn early,” Sienna grumbled.

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