Page 6 of Boyfriend Maintenance

I clear my throat. This is nuts. She’s crazy. It’s not just me, right? I look around to the surrounding tables, hoping that others might have heard this conversation. Nope. No one is paying any attention to us.

“Look, Sara, I think we started off on the wrong foot—” I try to cut in but she’s on a roll.

“You know, I’m really glad we did this. Normally, I like to jump right on in, you know the best foreplay in my book involves a lot of tongue and groping. But recently, I’ve realized the value of dinner or drinks beforehand. It allows us to get on the same page sexually.” She starts to laugh. “See, had I just jumped you when I got here, I would have never known you preferred a little BDSM in the bedroom.”

I can’t take this anymore. “Sara, hold up.”

“Oh my god, does this mean you’re into anal?”

What the fuck?

I’m not sure when our drinks arrived, but mine is sitting within reach and I take a nice long gulp. She’s going on and on about what sex positions she likes and wants to try. I slide my phone out of my pocket and shoot off a quick text.

A minute or two later, my phone rings. Thank god.

“Sara, can you hold that thought? My brother is calling. He knows I’m on a date, so I'm worried as to why he’s calling.” I answer my phone without giving her time to reply.

“Dude. It’s that bad? I thought your date was at seven,” Kevin says.

“Whoa, slow down, Kev. What’s going on?” I fake my worry.

“Ha, shit, man. It’s been a while since we’ve had to fake an emergency.”

“Damn. Okay, thanks for letting me know, Kev, I’ll be right there.”

I hang up to his chuckling and give Sara my best disappointed look. “Sara, I’m so sorry to do this. But my grams, she fell again, and I need to get there to make sure she’s all right.” I pull out my wallet to fish out enough money for our drinks.

“Oh no, Jakey-pooh, I hope Grammy isn’t hurt too bad. Do you want me to go with you?”

“No!” After nearly yelling, I clear my throat. Shit, get it together. “No, no, she really doesn’t like new people, so if I have to take her somewhere, it’s just going to be a long and stressful night.”

She stands as I stand and I’m immediately worried about what she’s about to do. She walks to me and kisses my cheek. I let out a breath. Thank god. But unfortunately, she doesn’t stop there. She moves to my ear and licks it. She holds on to my shoulders and she sucks my earlobe into her mouth. Then she moans.

I gently push her way.

“Would you like me to hail you a cab, Sara?” I’ve now put a full chair length between us. I’m hoping she declines my offer, but I’m a gentleman, I don’t want to leave her here.

“Oh, that’s sweet, but I need to get laid tonight, so I’ll stay.”

Well then. She should probably add horny and honest to her dating profile.

I say goodbye and get the hell out of here.

* * *

“So,let me get this straight. She immediately started talking about getting down and dirty within the first five minutes?” Kevin sits across the table from me. He smacks his hand down on the dark wood table, throws his head back and laughs.

I roll my eyes as I take a pull from my beer bottle. We are at our favorite bar, Monterey’s, after coming from the Mets game. It’s a hole-in-the-wall place. From the street, it looks a little seedy, but one foot in the place and you immediately feel welcome.

“Oh, and Mom will get a kick out of your dick’s new nickname. Little Handyman. Way better than Little Jake.” The laughter in his eyes and the smile on his face makes it hard for me to really be mad at him for poking fun at my date with Sara the other night. I used him as a fake emergency, I expected as much.

“Dude, shut up. I haven’t called him that since I was like seven.” I shake my bottle a little to confirm it is indeed empty.

“Maybe so, but still. Mom will love hearing about this. I’m going to call her.” He moves to pull out his phone from his pocket and I just give him a glare.

“Fine. I won’t … right now. But answer me this, big brother. Why do you refuse to sleep with any of the single ladies of 425 Madison?” He tips his bottle toward me.

“Simple. I don’t want to shit where I eat.” I can tell Kevin wants to razz on me more. So, I explain further. “Do you know how many times I go on a call and find myself being watched with lust-filled eyes? At first, it was flattering, but it’s gotten old. I’ve just recently been able to reduce the amount of fake calls.” I air quote that last part. “If word got out that I was open to the idea of sleeping with the residents, my calls would triple.”

---