Page 7 of Crash and Burn

Jimmy’s laugh settled and he said, “No Full Nelson’s today, Ms. Amelia, and I amquitealright with it.”

I smiled and found a seat toward the front. Jimmy has a small radio in the front of the bus he usually keeps loud enough for himself, but whenever I get on, he turns it up for me so I can hear it. He’s always playing jazz and he knows how much I love slow trumpet jazz like Miles Davis when I need a fix. After Jimmy turned the radio up, I leaned my head against the window, closing my eyes, just listening to the smooth sound of the instruments. When it mixes with the hum of the bus softly running over the bumps in the road, it’s like a lullaby, especially with the lights dimmed at night. That’s when I unwind, close my eyes, and listen, and I know Jimmy will look after me.

“Ms. Amelia, darlin’. Wake up. We’re at your stop.”

My eyes open and I look around briefly and then hop up.

“I am so sorry, Jimmy. I didn’t even know I fell asleep.”

“It’s ok honey. You always do,” and he winks at me with a small smile, turning to head back to his chair.

“Thank you so much. Have a nice night, Jimmy, and be safe.”

Jimmy dropped me off right in front of the door to my apartment building like he always does and said, “Get on in there, now, before you catch cold.”

He waited until I was all the way inside and stayed until I flicked on the outside light. That’s my signal to him that I’m okay. It’s not that I live in an unsafe neighborhood, but the bus rides are not short and by the time I actually get home, it’s usually ten or ten-fifteen, depending on how many stops Jimmy has to make.

I turned the deadbolt, latched the chain, and turned the bottom lock before turning around.I’m safe here,I thought. There’s always a lamp on to greet me whenever I come home because I want to see whatever danger might come my way. The house was creepy at night, living alone, like I do. I’ve had my share of bad experiences.I’ll get over them someday, I reassured myself.It probably didn’t help that Halloween was right around the corner. I’m here for all the scary monster movies and things that go bump in the night, but it’s the real-life monsters I worry about.

I kicked my shoes off, slid on my slippers and headed to the kitchen. Opting for my favorite Espresso ice cream, I grabbed the carton, closed the freezer, grabbed a spoon, and headed to the living room. I stood in front of the couch, slid my slippers off and fell backwards, tucking my legs under me and let out a heavy sigh. The furry blanket hanging over the back of the couch was calling my name, so I laid it over my lap. My couch sits directly in front of my electric fireplace mantel with the tv on top, bookended on both sides by over-filled bookshelves. I love my books. Books are so important because they get you through tough times and see you through to the happier days. My books mean everything to me and having an electric fireplace instead of a real one put my mind a little more at ease, knowing a hot ember wouldn’t pop out and catch them on fire.

Looking at the bookshelves, my mind raced back to a time when one my favorite books was tossed into a fireplace.Fried Green Tomatoesby Fannie Flagg. Without thinking, I reached in to grab it out. That split second reaction led to months of recovery and a now faint scar that extends from my right hand to my wrist. The scarring is light, so few people notice it but on my darker complexion, sometimes it stands out. Sometimes, when I think it will show, I get self-conscious, and cover it with make-up. Some people might think I’m nuts to have reached my hand into a fire to pull it out when I could have just replaced it. That’s not the point, though. The point is that someone tried to cause me pain by destroying something so special to me and in the moment, I refused to let it happen. I would rather hurt myself than allow someone else to do it. I’ll never let a situation like that happen again.

Clearing my head, I got up and went over to the old mahogany bookshelf. I picked upFried GreenTomatoesand clutched it to my chest before opening it and randomly selecting one of the tabbed places. I’ve bookmarked several pages throughout the book for times when I need to be reminded of important things.Page 192…let’s see what it says.

“They say you never know a man until you live with him,”and if that isn’t the truest thing I’ve ever read. I was with Kevin for five years. Two of the five we lived together and that was when everything changed. I hate thinking back on it because whenever I do, I undoubtedly have nightmares.

I was in my apartment, secure, safe and there were several people I could call if I needed anything. There was no need for nightmares. I put the book back on the shelf, turned out the front room lamp and picked up my melted ice cream to shove back in the freezer. As I headed to my bedroom, I looked around one more time for ghosts.

My apartment was all one level on the bottom floor. There was a nice guy that lived above me, but he accesses his apartment from the outside stairs. I liked this set up because it was just the two of us and I didn’t have to worry too much about who was coming and going in a big building. Steven, the guy upstairs, works nights, so he was usually gone when I got home, and he didn’t come home until early morning after sunrise. It really was the perfect set-up because I could play my music loud on most nights and I get pretty good sleep at night because there was zero noise above.

I climbed into bed and looked around. I never sleep in complete darkness. I had a salt lamp on my bookshelf in my bedroom and two table lamps. I turned out the table lamps and turned on a YouTube jazz ambience music channel to try and fall asleep.

What a night. The diner was slow…except for Hudson. I just felt really bad for the guy because clearly, he was uncomfortable from the moment he walked in. I shook my head, slid down on the bed and onto my side, pulling the blankets up. I folded my pillow in half trying to get comfortable and lay my arm, bent underneath it. The moonlight always shined through my window even though I had blinds that were slightly turned so no one can see in. I let out a deep sigh. I thought,don’t worry about him Am. You got bigger things to occupy your mind. That guy will likely never come back after all that crap today.

I let out a breath and closed my eyes.Turn your mind off, Am. Tomorrow is a new day.

Chapter 4

Hudson

Beep... Beep... Beep... That’s all the machines do. Just beep, day in and day out. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.My eyes flew open when I heard my alarm beeping at me.Shit, again.I hate when my dreams mix with what’s happening in real-life. I slapped my alarm to stop it and tried to shake away the dream about being back in the hospital with Dev.

At first, I laid on my back and stared at the ceiling, then turned to my left side, looked at Dev’s pillow, and turned back to the ceiling. My alarm clock read six a.m., making me groan. It’s not that I hated mornings. I used to be a morning person because that’s when I did my best work. Mornings had just been hard since losing Devina.

I pulled myself out of bed and went to the bathroom to piss,then to the kitchen.We had a basic twelve cup coffee maker. No extra gadgets. It had two buttons, one for the timer and one to start the brewing. We were never fancy. Dev would make the coffee every night and set the timer before bed, so we had a fresh pot every morning.

I hated making my own coffee, but I filled the water basin, added the filter, filled it with coffee and hit start. I reached for the cabinet with the coffee mugs and stopped, remembering yesterday’s visit to Sharon’s diner. I took a deep breath, let it out, and looked at the floor, also remembering what I had promised Carter.Get out of the house for coffee.I didn’t even want to show my face there again. I felt like I had made such a mess of things, but I also didn’t want to pick a new place and go through that anxiety all over again. I decided to switch it up and have my coffee at home but go to the diner for dinner. Technically, I wasn’t backing out on our agreement. I just needed to avoid Amelia after my embarrassing show the day before. At the time, I wondered why I gave a shit.

In the meantime, I poured myself coffee, adding in my creamer and sat at the couch. The house was so quiet you could hear a gnat fart. “What if I don’t do shit today?” I said out loud and then laughed to myself. Devina and I had these ‘what if’ conversations and sometimes we hated them.

*

“What if you fall out of love with me one day?”

I looked at Devina with the most serious face and said, “Not possible.”

“Come on, Hudson. I’m serious. What if I become the worst nag and never stop yelling about you spilling stuff or leaving your coffee cup everywhere and you’re like ‘screw this.’”

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