Page 52 of Crash and Burn

Stop her. Tell her to stay.

“Hudson? Please don’t shut me out. You don’t have to go through this alone anymore, ya know? Let me be here for you.”

I could hear the pain in her voice, the begging for me to understand and let her in, but I didn’t know what to say. I told myself,Tell her it’s ok. You just need to work through this, but you want her here.I couldn’t. Embarrassed, I glanced up and right away looked back down. I didn’t want her to feel like it was her fault, or that she wasn’t worth it. I felt like I had messed it all up and there was no fixing it.

The words,I need you. Stay, wouldn’t come out.

She gathered her things and put her boots on then stood at the door and looked back at me. God, the hurt in her eyes, and I could barely look at her. I was still standing next to the couch, next to Dev’s slippers. It felt like I was making a choice, like I needed to choose between my dead wife and the very much alive Amelia, standing right in front of me.

Please Stay. I’m sorry. It’s not you. I need you.That’s what I should’ve said, but I didn’t, and then she was gone.

Chapter 19

Amelia

I just kept replaying that night in my head.What a shit show that was.It had been a week since I was at Hudson’s place, and I was still fucked in the head over it. I thought,he’s broken, and I can’t help him move forward if he can’t or won’t.I had left that night and walkeda blockto the bus stop,and he let me. He didn’t even say anything. He didn’t offer me a ride home. He just let me leave and I felt like such an idiot. I felt like an idiot to think I could be the one that he fell for. I couldn’t replace his wife, and I didn’t want to. But she clearly still held a presence in his life he wasn’t ready to let go of.

Bzzz. Bzzz.

It was a text from Amanda.

“Facetime?”

“Yep!”

I didn’t want to break down, so I told myself,Be cool Amelia. You’re fine.

My phone rang for the video call.

“Hey!” I said, trying my best to sound enthusiastic.

“Oh fuck. What happened? That shit was so fake.”

“How do you know this shit? I feel like I’m cool as a cucumber right now.”

“Do we need to patch Vic in?”

I nodded. She rang Vic.

Vic said, “Sup bitchesss?…oh shit. What’s wrong?”

I laughed and then started crying. “Shit is fucked, you guys.”

“What happened?” they said in unison. Sometimes I think we’re three of the same mind. It’s creepy but I love it.

“Hudson invited me for dinner. It was going so good. Likesogood. We ate and he was telling me a little about his mother. We had a really great dinner conversation. Then I fucked up and moved a pair of slippers I thought were his but…” I cried harder, so Vic spoke up.

“They were his wife’s…”

I nodded. “Yeah. He froze. Like, I don’t know where Hudson went, but he wasn’t there with me anymore. I kept trying to ask him what was wrong and then I realized it when he walked over and picked up the slippers and set them back in front of the couch where I was sitting. Which iiiimmediatley made me realize I was sitting in her spot. I felt so fucking shitty. I got up and kept trying to talk to him but got nothing. I told him I was going to go and catch the bus home. So, I put my boots on and left.”

Then came the wrath of Amanda. “Wait a fucking minute, ma’am. He didn’t take you home? He let youleaveandride the bushome? What the fuck?”

“It’s not his fault. I mean…ya know, he’s all fucked up over his wife’s death.”

“Ok…which I can respect, completely. Trauma like that will totally do your head in, but…you’re still a person. A living, breathing person standing in front of him, and he let you leave and walk by yourself to catch the bus. I’m not ok with this, and quite frankly, he can get fucked.”

“Amanda…”

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