Page 51 of Mayfly

In a park in East London.

Fuck the world…

The fence is too high for me to see over.

After twenty years, this place still makes me feel small.

I run my fingers over the wooden planks, feeling the gaps between them until I find one big enough to peer through.

The shed.

I can’t believe it’s still there.

I can’t believe I still care.

Even with Jude back in my life, I know this fog will never lift.

I’ll feel safe.

I’ll feel loved.

But I’ll still hurt every fucking day…

Flipping the backside of 38A Wordsberry Lane the bird, I continue down the alley.

I grip the strap of the satchel as I walk the five minutes it takes to get to the park.

Thatpark.

Thattable.

Well… it’s where the table was. The old green wooden one has been replaced with all silver aluminum. The satchel clanks as I sit down; the sound dumping every overpowered emotion I’ve been holding in on me like a tidal wave.

Reaching inside the bag, I pull out a gun. A Korth NSC Combat revolver. Always the same make and model, just like everything else Marius incessantly has waiting for me.

Its weight is familiar in my hand.

Laying it on my lap, I take out the ammo box, and remove one.

With the single bullet loaded, I pull back the pin, wrap my finger around the trigger, and hold it to my temple.

My eyes ache like they always do when I’m like this. As though my body is trying to force the tears out, but something unseen is holding them back.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been in this exact position; teetering on the edge of cowardice and never ending suffering. Never pulling the trigger.

Maybe it’s the same thing holding back my tears that stops me. Or maybe I’m a coward either way, so I chose to keep going.

Just one more job.

One more slit throat.

One more fuck.

I've come full circle.

I really was going to do it this time.

I guess being home is the untouchable thing I’ve been waiting for. Like I could find closure in the pumped up pain, then put an end to it all. Finish the job, then take myself out while my adrenaline is still pumping.

---