Page 161 of Curvy Girl Summer

We placed our orders and then we were left alone.

“What’s on your mind, Aaliyah?” Dad questioned. A concerned look crossed his face as he sat up on his side of the table.

My mom leaned forward, reaching for my hand. “Is everything okay?”

I squeezed her hand, then clasped my hands in my lap. “I wanted to talk to you about today.”

“It’s about the boyfriend thing, isn’t it?” my mom guessed.

I looked her in her eyes and sat back in my seat.

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” I started. “Part of the reason I told y’all I had one was because I was tired of the conversation, I wanted it to be over, and I wasn’t happy that you invited Marcus to my party without my permission.”

“Oh, Aaliyah!” Mom exclaimed. “You didn’t have to lie to us about that. And you don’t have to explain anything.”

“No, we need to have this talk,” I told them. “You mentioned how we hadn’t seen much of each other this summer. And yes, I’ve been busy. But the main reason is because I need you both to heal from what happened to Aniyah.”

“What do you mean? Losing a child isn’t something you just get over,” Mom argued tearfully.

“Aaliyah…” Dad started to say, but his sentence trailed off.

My eyes started to water, but I blinked back tears. “I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child. But I know what it’s like to lose a sister. The pain may be different. The ways in which it affects your life are definitely different. But it’s painful all around. And there’s trauma with that. And trauma needs healing.” I ran my palms over my jean-covered thighs. “I’m not saying you should just get over it and move on. All I’m saying is that you have to heal because I’m enough. All by myself. I’m enough.”

“Oh, honey!” My mom’s hands flew to her cheeks. “We know! We would never say otherwise. You’re enough. You’re more than enough. We love you.”

I shook my head. “Please listen to me. I’m not saying you don’t love me. I’m saying that I’m enough. How I live my life is enough. What I choose to do and not to do is enough. My choices and the timing of my choices are enough.”

“We know that,” my dad said slowly.

I shook my head. “I don’t think you do.” I exhaled. “For the last five years, you’ve been comparing me to Aniyah. You’ve been hoping that I give you what she gave you. You’ve been wanting me to fill the void that she filled. And I know you were looking forward to being grandparents. But you have to understand that I’m not Aniyah’s replacement. I’m not going to get married and have children in order to replace the child you lost, the grandchild you lost.”

I saw the tears in my mom’s eyes, and I almost lost my nerve, but I continued.

“At some point over the last five years, you stopped wanting me to be me and you started wanting me to be Aniyah. And I’m not her. I’ll never be her. And I want you to be okay with that.”

My mom opened her mouth to speak, but I shook my head and kept going. “I don’t have a boyfriend, and I don’t know when I’m getting married. I don’t know when or if I’m having kids. But I’m enjoying my life. I’m enjoying dating and taking my time. Aniyah found her person and then married him. She did things the way you would’ve done it if you were her. And that’s fine. That’s amazing. But that’s not me. That’s not for me. That’s not my life. That’s not what I want. And if this summer has taught me anything, it’s that I’m not ever going to be Aniyah, and I was never supposed to be.”

“We love you, Aaliyah. We just want you to be happy,” Mom told me.

“Then let me be me. Freely. Without your commentary and judgment,” I replied firmly. “And I’m going to be honest with you… what happened at the memorial really bothered me.”

“Your uncle was out of line—” Dad started.

“Yes, he was. But I’m talking about what I found out about the two of you. It made me realize that I wasn’t just imagining things or being sensitive. You’ve been wanting me to live Aniyah’s life despite what I want. It didn’t used to be like this. Over the last few years, I noticed the change, but I didn’t think it was that deep. Until Uncle Al said what he said.”

“I’m sorry it came across like we don’t think you’re enough. That’s far from the truth,” Mom noted. She looked at my dad, who was nodding, and then she looked back at me. “Our conversation was about us trying to figure out if being grandparents was in the cards for us. But you’re right… even though our conversation was about us, it was centered around you and your choices.”

“You two may have to come to terms with the fact that you may not be grandparents anytime soon. You have to grieve what you lost and then live in the moment. You can’t put the pressure onme to be Aniyah’s replacement, because that’s not what I want and that’s not going to be good for any of us.”

The tears ran down my mother’s cheeks as my truth hit her. My dad’s glassy eyes seemed to hold back the emotion my mom couldn’t contain.

“We want you to be you, Aaliyah,” my dad choked out as he put his hand on my mother’s hand.

“We love you, and we just want you to be happy,” my mom added.

I took a deep breath. “I love you both so much, and I want you to know that my happiness isn’t tied to being with a man or racing to the altar or having children. My happiness is tied to me living a life that I love and am proud of. My happiness is centered around me and what I want.”

They nodded.

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