Page 24 of Stutter

“Means it’s a big school. Lots of rumors floating around. You know? A semblance of truth to legends and all that.” He warns.

“I’m not sure what you’re implying but I’ll keep that in mind.” It’s the oldest trick in the book: play dumb, innocent, until proven guilty. And even then,alwaysplead non-guilty.

Which I’m not. I am innocent. Because Raven made sure I was, didn’t she?

He leaves, and my migraine leaves with him. I stare down at my hands, the hands that always felt permanently stained with mechanic grease from my adolescence. I turn them, trembling, expecting to see marks of old oil stains under my fingernails, and for the first time, in a very long time, they’re clean.

Whoosh… whoosh.

Chapter Seven

Raven.

I stare at Ada Howell, my speech-language pathologist, the one I’ve been seeing for the past few weeks because as soon as he could, Damon pulled so many owed favors and got me in to see a neurologist. And they declared I had a slight brain contusion from four years ago that went undetected because it was written off as a concussion, which then lead me to Dr. Harriet Howell, who diagnosed me with weak vocal cords and that’s how I ended up sitting in front of her wife, Ada – my speech therapist.

My vocal cords don’t feel weak – they feel strained. Because she’s making me read a children’s book out loud. I grimace with each stammer, but Mrs. Howell simply nods and smiles.

I have to think about big words before I say them. I’m twenty-four and stammering like a kindergartener reading Dr. Suess to a woman in her late thirties.

Fuck my life.

“Have you been doing your breathing exercises?” She asks when she places her cocoa-skinned hand on mine. It’s warm and her skin is soft, chocolate eyes full of concern. She has her hair down today, and I adore it, her afro makes her look like a disco queen from the 70s. All she’s missing is big gold hoop earrings.

“Yes.” I’m not allowed to sign in here.

She nods, smiling again. I hate that smile. I hate coming here. Not because I don’t like Ada. She’s great. It’s because every time I stutter on a S, or Sh, or F, or T, or can’t move past an M, it reminds me all over again why I’m here.

Why I’m defective.

It’s also why I’m no longer allowed to be alone with Ada. My fits are back. I don’t mean for them to happen; I swear I don’t – they just do. It may be that I’m now on lower dosages but the last thing I want is fog brain again. Damon sits behind me and all it does is embarrass me further. As a doctor, he’s proud and makes me read out loud for twenty minutes. He assesses me, always jots down my progress in a little black notebook he keeps on his person, double clicks his pen, and pockets both of them.

As my boyfriend, he’s worried. He doesn’t say it out loud, but he looks at me with concern. He always takes me out for soup or ice cream afterward, depending on how sore my throat is, and worst of all –He won’t let me blow him!Like he’s scared he’ll damage my vocal cords further.

Sometimes, a girl just wants to choke on a fat dick until she’s crying and gagging and told how pretty she looks with a dick in her mouth.

I love him, but the more he treats me like I’m fragile, the more I feel like I am.

A broken little doll.

I loathe that feeling with everything that I am.

I miss Maverick so much. He’d fuck my face until my jaw unhinged, and Ireallyneed that.

Pretty little psycho Raven. I cringe inwardly at my negative thoughts.

I may need to get my throat fucked but I want my voice back without the hoarseness. Without the rasp. I want to be able to talk to Maverick. I want to be able to tell him everything so we can move past this because I need my beast. So as much as I hate… all of this, I have to do what I’ve been doing for the last few years –survive enough today so I can thrive tomorrow.

I can cry later.

“You’ve done very well today, Raven. With how far you’ve come, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re talking like your old self by this time next year.”

A year?!

I stand up so abruptly out of my seat that it topples backward and they both shoot to their feet. I can feel Damon towering behind me, the warmth of his body radiating but it’s too hot. It's everywhere.

“No no no no no no no.” I shake my head violently and bring my hands up to my face. Tears spring to my eyes and when Damon tries to calm me down, Ada gets in my way, and I shove her back. He grabs her, thankfully, but the panic in me is full-blown and I can’t stop. “S-s-sorry sssorry s-sorry.” I apologize. It’s a choked out, garbled, ridiculous apology but it’s an honest one, nonetheless.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid Raven.

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