Page 25 of Stutter

Seems like I’m always apologizing these days.

“It’s okay, Raven. It’s okay.” Her voice is gentle, but I don’t deserve her gentility. She should shove me back. Fire me as her patient. She should scream at me.

Images of Lorne Wood, of orderlies in pale green scrubs holding me down flit through my mind and I do the only thing I can to stop them – I slap my head and pull at a thick chunk of my hair. But Damon grabs my hands before I can do it again, wrapping his arms around me, clutching onto me like a blanket and an anchor. A straitjacket. She’s not going to want to see me anymore. I can see it in her eyes, full of… something. I don’t blame her. I’m too damaged and I’m not worth it. Tears break free.

“S-S-So..rry.” I’m so sick of being so goddamn sorry all the time.

I guess Iwon’tbe crying later. I’ll be crying now.

“Can we have a moment?” Damon says, his voice like a horn in the fog in my mind. A beacon.

“Sure.” Ada taps me on the shoulder and smiles that ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t do more,’ smile. “But I’d like to speak with you when you’re done, Doctor Archer.”

“Of course.”

As soon as the door closes behind her, he lets me sink to the ground, sinking along with me and I’m so sad because I can almost feel Maverick slipping from my grasp. It’s a hopelessness that fills me, like a raging sea of nothing but disgust and despair and sadness and I’m drowning because it’s all directed atme.

And it shouldn’t be.

If all those years of therapy with Damon taught me anything it was to break down my feelings, compartmentalize what I’m feeling, and aim it at who was truly to blame or who deserves my ire so I could move on and set boundaries. Because while I’m sad, I’m mostly angry. But the ones that made me like this, they’re dead. There’s only one left.

I still have to repair what they broke.

And that makes me rage on the inside.

All this chaos that vibrates within me pushes outward and I inflict pain on myself when I deserve to love myself. I deserve to look in the mirror and beproudof all I have accomplished no matter how minute it is to others. I should be able to look at my scars and remember I’m the baddest bitch, taking back my life.

But all I have is internal, contained, silent rage.

And it makes memurderous.

When I’ve calmed down enough, I don’t just see Damon, I see the man who cared for me not just through my bad, but through my worst. Through my ugly. He deserves so much better. “I w-want t-to give you mm-m-my good.” I blurt.

His dark brows rise and silver eyes flash. “What does that mean?”

I shake my head because I don’t think I can say it again. He watches intently when I raise my hands and begin signing. Telling him exactly what I thought about the bad, the worst, the ugly.

He kisses my sweaty temple and then cups my jaw to turn me so I can face him. His features have relaxed, and a genuine smile graces his lips. “I love you, little bird. You’re making wonderful progress. And youdogive me the good.”

I want to argue, tell him I’ve given him more bad than good but what’s the point? This man is determined to love me and how can I be upset with that? When I sigh in resignation his pleased shadow of a smile turns into a grin, and he kisses me softly. It’s no pressure. It doesn't turn into a full-blown make-out session. But it’s there. His lips are on mine, a simple kiss that means so much more than a million diamonds ever could.

“Now can you tell me what upset you?” He uses his doctor’s voice. Low, calm, gentle and I settle into him even more.

Since Ada isn’t in the room, I lift my hands so I can sign instead of straining my vocal cords more.

I don’t have a year.

“I know you don’t. But what if we up our reading time to thirty minutes every night? Do your breathing exercises a little longer?” His undying belief in me breaks my heart.

Does it even matter?I tried to talk to Maverick today and he looked done with me. Cold. Like I was nothing.

He pinches the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, closing his eyes for a moment. “Maverick is… stubborn. Remember how long it took to convince him for us to share you?”

I nod.

“He loves you just as deeply as I do, Amourette. And unfortunately, you trying to keep him safe made him feel like it was a betrayal because it was sprung up on him in the worst way.”

I know.I sign back sadly.

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