Page 149 of Stutter

“Hmm.” She hummed. “You’re probably the coolest thing about this whole thing.”

I took the compliment to heart because, at school, I was not the coolest thing. She often fought my battles for me, unafraid of the older kids, punching anyone who even breathed wrong in my direction. My protector. My warrior. “If this was your wedding, how would you make it better?”

“I’d get rid of the white and the pink. Purple everything. The walls, the floors, thewindows.” I laugh because okay. “Except for my dress. I’d have a black dress.”

“Are you getting married or attending a funeral?”

“Hey, this ismywedding. I’d make sure it was all chic and stuff. Very posh.”

“Sure,” I reply, imagining myself as her groom at this very violet wedding.

“Anyway, I’ll probably never get married.”

I stop dancing. “Why not?”

“I’ll be too busy traveling. Hiking in the rainforest or… discovering a new mummy tomb with an ancient curse. And you won’t be getting married either because you’ll be too busy with me. We’ll skydive and go skiing and get lost in Germany.”

I resume dancing. “Why would we get lost in Germany?”

“Why not?”

“We’ll stay at hotels. Have a guide.”

“Oh, that’s boring!” She scoffs as if she can’t fathom being told where to go and what to do.

“Besides, you know I can’t… really do any of that.”

Now she stops dancing. “I’m your big sister now. I’ll take care of you. And you will get better. You’ll see. We just have to get you used to stuff like dirt and dust and… and running and… cold weather. I’ve heard that’s how people can build up their immune system, you know? Like you keep doing the things that might hurt you, so you build up a tolerance. I’ve heard people can poison themselves a little bit every day and build an immunity to it. So that’s what we’ll do. I’ll be your poisonandyour antidote. And then we’ll travel the world together.”

I don’t know why, but I believe her. Because I love her. Because I’m so lucky she’s mine.

________

We were eleven when our parents put me in Tai Kwan Do. She raged when she was made to take ballet instead, our parents said she was too aggressive already. She should put her energies into something more… relaxing, more feminine. But she’d come home and cry when her feet were bruised and bloody.

I hated Mom at times. Raven hid her tears from her a lot. So I would bandage up her feet when I would find her crying in her bathroom. We couldn’t play those days. She called her dad crying to come pick her up. That she was miserable here and it made me so sad I begged Father to make Sofia pull her out.

I often used the hidden wall walkways to get in and out of the manor, to walk into other rooms going unnoticed because before Raven came along, that’s what I was. A living, breathing ghost.

“He’s threatening to get full custody,” Sofia worried.

“He’s a drunk, my love. He’ll never get custody.”

“I’m not so sure. My PI says he’s sober. Going to AA meetings… There’s a chance he could take her. Axel says she’s unhappy here. She fights me at every turn. Fighting in school. John! Are you listening? What do you think the media will say about me, about us, if I lose custody of her to a nothing-lawyer drunk?!”

My father sighs in resignation. “Sofia, come here, kitten.”Blegh. “I’ll take care of this. I love you. You are my whole world. If this makes you unhappy, I’ll take care of this.”

“Ay, mi amor,” she cooed softly “you always know just what to say.”

“Good. Now, lift your skirt. Show me what’s mine.” There was a sound like skin slapping against skin and then-

“Ugh! Johnny!”

I grimaced, walking away.

Raven’s dad died just two months later. I had never seen her so sad. Then her night terrors started.

I would watch her sleep. A lot. Standing guard. I’d go to her room using the trap doors in the walls, standing in the corners, the first time she saw me, there was a lightning storm. She ran to my room, where I zipped through the wall and jumped in my bed merely seconds before she crawled in with me, shaking, sputtering nonsense about a shadow person in her room watching her.

---