Page 27 of Rise By Sin

“Not hearing anything we can’t handle there, Ave,” Jack shrugged.

“Fuck!” I growled. It was like talking to a God damned wall! “Just, let’s put that aside for now. Even if you could handle all of that – which I doubt you could in the long term – but even if you could, I know you guys. I know what your tastes are. I know you need to dominate a woman in the bedroom and I…I can’t…I could never…”

“Dirty Whore! Atone! Atone and pray for your evil soul!” I could feel the pain ripping through my back as that monster lashed me again and again. I could hear my own screams of pain, so far away and disjointed from me that I couldn’t process how they were coming from me.

“AVA!” Mason’s panicked yell pulled me from the flashback and I opened my eyes to find him before me, clutching the top of my arms and looking panicked in a way I had never seen him before. “Look at me, right now! Stay with me!” he commanded as I gasped for breath and tried to reorient myself. I had no idea where the lashback had come from, but it terrified me. It had been years since those memories of horror had affected me like that just had. I’d been through counselling, taken pills and done everything required of me to overcome that one night of hell, and now it seemed it was coming right back again.

“Let’s get you to the sofa, love,” Jack said as he appeared at my side and wrapped his arms around my waist to lift me down from the stool I still sat in. That movement seemed to give me the shake I needed and I gasped in a huge breath. I was shaking hard and I could feel a layer of sweat on my brow.

“Don’t!” I cried as I took a step back away from both of their grips, holding my arms out to warn them away from me. “Just don’t…please. I…I’m okay. Just d-don’t touch me.”

My shaky legs threatened to buckle underneath me and I reached for the counter and slammed my hand down on it for support in a panic I was going to end u on my ass.

“Okay. We’ll stay back here. Just take some slower breaths though, yeah? We’re gonna have to touch you if you pass out on us,” Mason told me as he and Jack both stood back like they were trying to corner a wild animal.

“I’m good,” I gasped. “I just…I need a minute.” I turned and took in another deep breath, pleading with my legs to keep me upright as I started to move slowly across the room towards the hallway.

“At least let me help you, love. You’re trembling,” Jack pleaded as he hurried towards me, but left a clear gap between us.

“I’m good,” I repeated. If I tried to say anything more I knew I was going to fucking cry and I didn’t want them to see that.

“Ave…”

“Jesus Jack! Just give me a fucking minute!” I snapped, not daring to turn and look at him. I tried to move faster, just desperate to get away before the tears came, but once again my body betrayed me as I caught my foot clumsily on the leg of a side table and went down hard, landing on my side with a cry of pain.

I heard Jack and Mason both cursing as they raced over to me and dropped down to their knees at either side of me, meanwhile all I could do was lay there, pain pulsing up my back like electric shocks from the small impact.

“Christ, love. That’s why I wanted to help you!” Jack said as he leaned in close to my face and studied what was no doubt a mask of the pain I could feel.

“Where are you hurt?” Mason asked from where he knelt behind me, and I could feel his hand just ghosting over my lower back, like he dare not touch me fully.

It was the final straw. I lifted my hands to my face in an attempt to cover it as I just broke and the tears started. I was embarrassed. So fucking embarrassed and I hated myself and my useless body so fucking much! The familiar thought that I didn’t even know why I was working so hard to keep going any more flashed through my thoughts and more than ever, I felt the need for all of the pain and struggle to just stop. I couldn’t do this anymore.

“Ave, are you hurt? Can I pick you up?” Mason asked calmly.

“Please, love. You’re breaking my bloody heart. Tell us we can pick you up and just hold you,” Jack pleaded.

I knew I shouldn’t give in. If I felt the comfort of the both of them around me, I would only feel more empty, hollow, and lost when I no longer had them, but I was just too weak to deny myself. I had been fighting so hard to be strong. I had barely even spoken to my own brother in over a year to try and protect him, and where had that gotten us? Colt was in danger and I was a complete and utter wreck. Why was I even trying to hard to be strong when it was obvious to anyone who glanced at me that I was anything but?

I nodded slowly. The tears were still flowing and I was sobbing hard. I hadn’t meant to allow it to happen, but the flood gates were open and I had no idea how to close them again.

“Do I need to be careful with your back?” Mason asked and I hated that he seemed to be losing the calm I needed him to maintain right then.

“No,” I whispered shakily. “I w-won’t break,” I promised him. I was so relieved when I felt him slide his hands under me, then I was in his arms as he stood, pressed against his chest and surrounded by his strength. If anything it just made me sob harder as I grabbed onto the edge of his vest and fisted it tightly in my hands. It had been so long since I felt as secure as I did with Mason and Jack. I knew I was safe with them.

The guys were talking between them, but I couldn’t hear anything, then we were moving through the apartment. I was just relieved when Mason sat, but kept me where I was, hidden against his chest, sobbing against what was likely a designer suit, but unable to stop myself.

“Let it out now. We’re here. We’ve got you,” Jack soothed and I could feel the heat of his body at my side, his hand running gently up and down my back.

“You guys…you h-have to stop,” I sniffled as I lifted my head and forced myself to find some control. I couldn’t do as Jack said and let it all out. If I did I would never stop.

“Stop what, baby?” Mason asked as he pulled me back enough so our eyes met.

“This. Being kind. Making m-me hope. I c-can’t hope anymore! Don’t you see that! Don’t you see how br-broken I already am!” I cried breathlessly.” I don’t want to hope anymore. I don’t want to try! I just…I want to find Colt…then I just want it all t-to stop. I can’t do this anymore!” I was desperate for them to hear me and understand as the truth poured from me.

“What do you mean you want it all to stop?” Jack demanded as he looked to me with shock.

“I can’t be this person!” I snapped bitterly. “Look at me. Really look at me. I’m broken. My body is broken. The pain….it’s a-all the time and that…it w-won’t change. I can’t live like this. I have no future like this. I just…I can’t. I tried….I really did try, but I c-can’t…not anymore,” The fight had left me by the end of my rant and the last words were squeaked through my tightening throat.

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