Page 44 of Confessions of Pain

About ten minutes later, Evie had given me some mouthwash and a cold rag to clean myself up with. Then Jax poured me a shot of Tequila and told me to chase it down with the Coke he handed me. I knew then, right at that moment, that the truth was going to be even uglier than what I was already imagining in my head. Tequila on an empty stomach was not smart. Tequila to help me handle what they were about to tell me, though, was necessary.

“Tell me,” I said quietly. I sat on the smaller sofa across from the larger one where both Jax and Evie were perched. My hands gripped my knees, mostly to prevent them from seeing how badly I trembled.

“First of all, Kelsey never told anybody you raped him,” Evie started out, but there was absolutely no venom in her voice…like all the times when we’d spoken. “I’ve called our dad and asked him to come over. He has some explaining to do, and I think it’s best that he face all of us when he’s doing it. It shouldn’t take him more than fifteen minutes to get here. But, Gabriel Maverick, know this and fuck whatever comes out of his mouth. Our father is a different man than he was back then and I don’t think he’ll lie, but if he says Kelsey accused you of raping him, then he’s lying. Kelsey never said that about you.”

Confusion swept over me. Kelsey had all but admitted to it. No, he’d never said the actual word rape, but there’d been plenty of times that he’d referred to what he’d done…what he’d said. I honestly couldn’t help but believe both Jax and Evie were mistaken. It didn’t change anything about how I felt about Kelsey, but they had gotten bad information. I hoped to hell it didn’t change how they felt about the man I loved. Kelsey loved Jax and Evie and if I’d done something to fuck that up, I’d never forgive myself.

“Here’s what we know,” Jax started. “The night, after you and Kelsey made love, Kelsey went home and Wayne caught him sneaking into the house. Wayne’s always been an ass…always hated Kelsey and went out of his way to try and hurt him. I have no clue why and really don’t give a fuck…it’s just the way it is.” Jax’s voice sounded ragged when he added, “Wayne used to always beat him. He’d have bruises all over him.” His eyes looked across the small distance separating us when he said, “I can’t believe you never saw them when you guys messed around. Kelsey told us you messed around, Maverick. How in the hell could you have missed that many damned bruises on his pale skin?” He started shaking his head, disgust for me more than evident. “I’ve never understood that. How? He wasn’t my fucking boyfriend and I noticed them during gym class. How is it that you should have been worshipping him with your eyes and never saw Wayne’s handiwork?”

The bruises…always there. Dark patches on his perfect skin. My fingers used to trace the outlines and I’d beg him to stop playing soccer. Fuck. I’d touched the very spots where Wayne had violated him. I’d even gotten mad at him a few times and demanded that if he truly loved me, he’d stop playing soccer. He would end up distracting me, cooling my anger with his soft laughter and even softer kisses. “He…he told me they came from playing soccer.” I felt my face turn red with humiliation. “I thought they were from getting kicked and hit on the soccer field.” My excuse sounded lame to me so I could imagine how it sounded to them.

“Kelsey didn’t play soccer in high school, Gabriel,” Jax answered angrily. “If you’d ever tried to learn anything about him, you’d have known that.” He stood up and paced over to the window, looked out, muttered a few more curse words, and then returned to sit down next to Evie. His eyes still shot daggers of hate and accusation in my direction.

“Gabe didn’t deserve that, Jax,” Evie whispered. “We both know how good Kelsey was…is…at lying. It’s an art he had to perfect in order to survive. Don’t blame Gabe for not seeing through it when he was nothing more than a child himself.” She reached over and patted Jax’s leg. “He fooled both of us for years and we were much older.” She turned and looked at me. “Jax is just angry, Gabe. It’s been so easy for both of us to hate you…to blame you for everything.” She shook her head slowly. “And now, here you are, taking that away from us. I’m sure Kelsey did lie to you. He was ashamed.”

I could still feel the anger radiating from Jax’s body, but I didn’t think it was all directed toward me, or not anymore, at least. “Why would he be ashamed? Wayne was the asshole,” I hissed. I still couldn’t believe his brother had been beating him, marring the perfection of his body, and I’d done nothing to protect him.

“Wayne was and still is an asshole. We all know that. He was also his daddy’s favorite and was able to get away with practically anything, including using his baby brother as a punching bag.” Her eyes looked sad when she looked at me. “Wayne usedyouto keep Kelsey in line, to make him keep his mouth shut about the beatings. He’d threaten to tell their dad about you guys seeing each other. Kelsey knew that not only would his dad be angry over him being gay, but he was worried about what he would do to you and your family. Kelsey damned well knew what his family was capable of…how they would throw their money around to make people do what they wanted. He was afraid of them hurting you, so he kept his mouth shut and took his beatings.” Her smile turned soft and sad. “He told me of how you and he would talk about running away. It was his fantasy. He told me he planned for it every goddamned day—kept a bag ready. He’d slowly started stealing money from…well, from everybody in his family. He had nearly three thousand dollars hidden in that bag, ready to go. He was just waiting on you.” Tears streamed down her face. “He said that you’d promised to not leave without him. It…it nearly killed him when you did.”

“You and he were…friends?” I asked, not knowing what else to say. Her words were wrapping around my heart and head, squeezing the life out of me. I couldn’t stop the images of my sweet Kelsey tucking money away for us, just waiting for me to rescue him from the hell he was living in…the hell I hadn’t known existed.

She laughed bitterly. “No…not then. Kelsey…” She frowned and looked at Jax and then turned back to me. “Kelsey didn’t really have any friends in school, at least not any I ever noticed him hanging out with. He mostly just kept his head down, did his own business, and got out of school as soon as the bell rang.” Jax reached over and took Evie’s hand, giving it a squeeze of support. “Kelsey and I met each other when we were both at the same psychiatric facility.” Her eyes dropped and then raised back up again. “Kelsey was there for trying to commit suicide and I was there for mutilating my body.” She shrugged and smiled sadly. “Needless to say, we were both in a very dark place at that time in our lives and we kinda learned to cling to each other. Our friendship stayed solid over the years, even allowing Jax into our group.” She squeezed Jax’s hand back.

A tiny part of me was jealous of what Jax, Evie, and Kelsey shared, but the biggest part of me was so damned thankful that he’d had somebody to lean on after I’d deserted him. I looked at Evie, saw the sadness in her eyes but also noted the pride lurking in the depths. She’d survived a lot, apparently. She and my Kelsey. As bad as I hated to admit it, they’d probably both had Jax’s solid strength to help them when things had gotten too dark.

“Did…when Kelsey tried to kill himself, did that open his father’s eyes at all? Please tell me things got better for him.” Ashamed for appearing to only be worried about the man I loved, I quickly added, “It looks like things worked out for you. I admire your courage to not just accept what life tossed your way, especially when you knew it was wrong.”

She smiled for just a second, but then the somber gaze returned. “Yes, it worked out for me. It was a wake-up call for my parents, and I’m one of the lucky ones with parents willing to accept the changes I needed to make. They helped me through the process of my sex change and have supported me from the moment I stepped out of the hospital ‘til now. Yes, it changed my father. A lot. I never thought he could or would accept me, but he did. He was forced to resign from his position as sheriff because most of the townspeople weren’t nearly as supportive, but he did it…with a few politically incorrect words directed toward the naysayers. Kelsey, on the other hand, didn’t fare as well with his family.”

“Not at all surprising, “Jax hissed. “I have no fucking idea how Kelsey came from that clan of idiots. There’s absolutely no goodness in any of them, but Kelsey’s made of nothing but good. I’ll never understand it.”

It was so hard for me to imagine the Kelsey I used to know, so confident and full of mischievousness, taking a blade to his wrists.Me…I’d done that to him. “What did they do to him?” I demanded.

“Nothing,” Evie answered. “They didn’t do anything—tried to sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing ever happened. They wereembarrassed…and not for the right reasons. They thought it made him weak and the entire family already treated him like he was a cowardly wimp as it was. He needed to receive more treatment after leaving the facility, but they refused. Hell, he’d never been there in the first place if somebody outside the family hadn’t been the one to find him. Knowing Wayne Sr. and Wayne Jr., they would have let him bleed to death before they would have allowed anynegativegossip to be spread about the Morganston name. Some hikers found him, called 911, and they had no choice but to admit him into the facility because it was clearly a suicide attempt.”

“Hikers?” I mumbled, and I knew. My heart knew where he’d been when he tried to end his life. He’d been at our spot in the woods. It had been his way to get as close to me as he could. God, how I hated myself.

“Yeah, hikers,” Jax answered. “Don’t dwell on it, Maverick. What’s done is done.”

The edge of his tone told me he wasn’t really ready to let everything go, but he was trying…for Kelsey’s sake.

I looked up at him. “So, you put the leather bracelets on him to…? I don’t understand. To stop him from attempting it again?” That didn’t seem very logical to me. There were plenty of other ways to kill oneself. There was more to the story and I was sure I probably didn’t want to hear it.

“I made him the bracelets after his fourth attempt,” Jax answered. “They aren’t there to prevent him from slicing his veins again; they’re there to remind him that he’s loved. Every time he looked down, when his fingers and heart itched to do something to ease his suffering, I wanted him to know how badly it would hurt me and Evie if he went through with it. Kelsey was never worried about himself, but he hated the thoughts of hurting either of us.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, still so sickened by the facts, so sickened by what my running away had led to. What it had turned Kelsey into. “So…so you’re not into the…lifestyle?” I asked, referring to BDSM and the collar remark Jax had made in the hallway—the one that made me green with jealousy.

“Yes, I am. So is Kelsey,” Jax answered. There was, I couldn’t help but notice, a big of smugness to his voice. Hell, maybe I imagined it because when I looked up at Jax, there was nothing but sadness on his face.

“Never together, though. I could never lay on hand on Kelsey like that,” Jax finally eased my torment. “He has a Dom—one that I don’t care for at all so I’m always there to ensure nothing gets out of hand during any of their scenes. His name is Daulton, and he’s somebody Kelsey picked out. I know you won’t understand it or see it the way I do, but I really do try my best to take care of Kelsey. I just…he just…Hell,” he finally muttered, unsure of how to continue.

“Kelsey wants to be hurt, Gabriel,” Evie cut in, saving her brother. “He believes he deserves to be hurt. If he has sex, it has to be…abusive. He…he won’t allow himself anything else. When he saw what his suicide attempts were doing to us, he stopped. Next, he started cutting himself. Finally, he settled on BDSM.”

“But for all the wrong reasons,” Jax said between gritted teeth. “What Kelsey does with Daulton makes the lifestyle…ugly.” His eyes bore into mine. “Do you see what I mean now, Maverick? It isn’t going to be easy with Kelsey. The ugliness of his life has imprinted on his soul and I’m not sure he’ll ever be able to escape it. He tries, God knows he tries, but he hasn’t had the strength. Not yet, at least. Maybe…maybe you’ll be able to give him what he needs…what he deserves.” The doorbell rang, interrupting Jax. He stood up to answer it, but turned back to me at the last minute. “If you aren’t in it for life, Maverick, get out now. Loving him for a little while and then leaving again will kill him. There won’t be anything any of us can do to stop him. Walk the fuck out right now if you aren’t planning on staying.”

I wanted to hate him, but every word and emotion flowing from him was true. I also knew his worries, at least those concerning me ever leaving Kelsey again, were a waste. Kelsey had always been mine. “When I leave this town again, Kelsey will be with me.”

He stared another few seconds and then muttered, “Good.”

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