Page 54 of You Will Never Be Me

The two detectives’ eyes never leave me. “She looks familiar,” Detective Garza says after a beat.

“She’s my PA. Liv Boyer.”

“That’s right. @LivBoo,” Detective Clarke says. “She’s been in most of your recent videos.”

“Mm, yeah, that is her. Wow, I didn’t recognize her in person,” Detective Garza says. “Would’ve liked to have a chat with her. But I suppose we can just drop by her place after this.”

Sabine, finding herself alone in the living room, begins to fuss. “Sorry, I need to—”

“Yes, of course,” Detective Clarke says.

I rush to the living room and pick Sabine up. Her onesie is soaked through with pee, and with a rush of guilt, I realize that Ididn’t change her diaper after her nap. I was going to, but Tanya’s video had sidelined me. “I’m so sorry, baby,” I whisper. When I turn around, I jump. The two detectives have followed me into the living room. “Uh.” I catch myself and force a polite smile. I gesture at the sofa. “Please, take a seat. I need to change her diaper.”

“Take your time,” Detective Garza says.

As I hurry off, I analyze our short interaction. Are they behaving any differently toward me? Is there suspicion in their eyes? A note of accusation in their voices? I can’t tell. I force myself to focus fully on changing Sabine’s diaper, hoping this mundane task will calm me down. More than anything, I need to be in full control of my emotions right now. I can’t afford to lose my shit. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then I pick Sabine up and walk back into the living room.

“Can I make you a drink? Maybe another matcha latte?” As soon as I hear the words leave my mouth, I want to kick myself. Who the hell would be offering a matcha latte when she’s just found out that her best friend has been murdered? I make my chin wobble. “Sorry, I know that sounds ridiculous. I’m just trying to hold on to any semblance of normalcy.”

Detective Clarke nods sympathetically. “I understand. Please, Mrs.Palmer, take a seat. Don’t worry about us. We won’t be here long.”

Really?I want to squeak.

“We’re sorry for your loss,” Detective Garza says.

I nod, not trusting myself to speak.

“We saw your videos. You were obviously heartbroken,” Detective Clarke says. “We had hoped to find Ms.Lee alive.” He shakes his head and sighs. “We know how tough this must be foryou, but could you walk us through the last time you saw Ms.Lee alive again?”

“I—I don’t understand. I told you, the last time I saw her was months and months ago. Isn’t Clara the one you need to be talking to?”

“We’ve talked to Clara Lee,” Detective Garza says. “Don’t worry about that; we are talking to everyone and anyone that Meredith might have come in contact with in the last six months.”

Maybe that’s true? Maybe this is just routine questioning? Or maybe I’m just a fool who’s being overly optimistic.

“What can you remember about the last time you saw Meredith?”

“It’s been so long…”

“Any details you can think of will be helpful,” Detective Clarke says gently.

I nod, trying to sift through the jumbled mess in my head. “Um, well, I told you she was unhappy about how fast my social media accounts were growing. She told me she felt we weren’t good for each other anymore and she wanted to take some time away from our friendship.” God, that sounds so bad. Does it? I make sure to keep my tone as neutral as possible. “It was just a silly little argument.”

“Doesn’t sound little to me,” Detective Garza says. “If one of my friends told me she didn’t want to see me anymore, I would be devastated. Did it not upset you?”

“I mean…” I grope around for the right words. “I wasn’t happy, obviously. But I understood. I wasn’t going to try and stop her or anything. I have a lot on my plate.” I nod at Sabine, who’s babbling away happily on my lap. “I’ve got three kids. Two of them are twins, so I haven’t slept in years. I have a booming career tomanage. Honestly? I was kind of relieved when Meredith said she needed some space.” I grimace. “Sorry, I know that makes me sound like an awful friend.”

“Not at all,” Detective Garza says. “You have your own life, I get it.”

I nod and smile sadly.

“But…” she continues. “In your latest videos, you didn’t mention any of this. You made it seem like you’ve been in constant contact with Meredith.”

My cheeks and forehead and neck grow hot and sticky. It’s exactly what Liv pointed out earlier. But you know what? Being fake online isn’t a crime. I need to remember that. “Yeah,” I say. “I hate that I had to do it that way, but I hope you understand; my main concern these past few days was getting word out there about Meredith’s disappearance. I didn’t want to distract people from the real purpose, which is to find her.”

Detective Clarke nods. “Makes sense.”

“Um, can I ask…” I say. “What was—um, did she—um, did she suffer?” My voice breaks then, and I cover my mouth with one hand.

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