Page 24 of You Will Never Be Me

“Aww, that is so sweet.” A small part of me feels ever so slightly guilty because that’s exactly the problem—I make itlookfun and easy. The truth is a different matter entirely. But hey, Liv’s an adult. She should know it’s all smoke and mirrors.

There’s a moment’s silence, then Liv says, “I’m so glad I ran into you.”

I realize then that I am too. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to have a heart-to-heart like this with anyone, even with Mer. In the months leading up to our fight, there had been a barrier I didn’t understand, our friendship rotting slowly from the inside. Chats with Mer had gone from an easy flow to an awkward friction where I found myself bracing for her to take offense at some innocuous remark, or for her to take a sudden blow at me. My throat closes up at the memory. Why did things get so bad between us? How did it happen? I miss her, but maybe it’s time I let go of the ghost of her. I look at Liv and say, with all sincerity, “I’mreally glad too. And…maybe you could work from my house some days? I could give you a few pointers on how to come up with relatable content.”

Liv brightens up. “I would love that! Really? I don’t want to get in the way—”

“You won’t.” There is such a huge hole in my life since Mer disappeared from it. It’s time for me to fill it. “And bring Rain; she and Sabine can entertain each other while us moms work.”

“It’s a date.”

•••

My good mood disappears themoment I get home and see Ben’s sulky expression. He’s nursing a beer.

I keep my voice even as I take off my coat. “Hi,” I say, “how were the girls at bedtime?”

He barely glances up at me, eyes still glued to the TV. “Fine.”

Okay then. I guess that’s that. I go to the kitchen, where there are two empty bottles of beer sitting on the counter. Typical. He can’t even be bothered to throw them away. Sighing, I rinse them off and put them in the recycling bin. I’m about to go upstairs when Ben says in a very pointed tone, “How was your night out with the ‘influencers’?”

He doesn’t actually do the air quotes, but the way he says it, you could practically see his fingers doing them. So much venom in that one word alone.

“It was okay.”

“Huh.” He takes another sip of beer. “Yeah? ’Cause it looked like you had a great time. When you came in you were smiling real wide. And I noticed someone dropped you off?”

“Oh!” Somehow, after that great chat with Liv and the In-N-Outand coming home to my poisonous husband, I’d managed to forget about my slashed tires. “Oh my god, I forgot to mention—someone slashed my tires. That’s why Liv had to drop me off.”

Now, finally, Ben looks at me, the sulk temporarily replaced with confusion. “Liv? Your PA?”

“Yeah. She happened to be there as well, which was really fortunate, because—my tires! My god, how crazy is that?”

Ben frowns. “How do you know someone slashed them? Maybe you ran over something.”

I bite back my frustration. Of course, his immediate guess is that I did something wrong. “No,” I say slowly, “they were slashed, Ben. Someone literally took a knife to them.”

“All of them?”

“All of them.” I don’t know what I was expecting from Ben, exactly, but it would’ve been along the lines of shock, horror, concern. Any of the normal reactions that should come from a husband whose wife told him her tires had been slashed.

Instead, Ben merely snorts before taking another swig of beer. Then he says, “Wow. I guess you pissed someone off.”

I stare at him, my husband of seven years. What happened to us? I know in my heart we weren’t like this before. One of the reasons I fell in love with him was because he was so generous, so gentle, so supportive. I remember how, when we were dating, I got a mean comment (Hah! How naive I was back then, how soft, to let one negative comment ruin my day). Ben had been so sad to see me so heartsick over it. He’d whisked me away for a day at Venice Beach to take my mind off it. He plied me with churros and shaved ice, and kissed the top of my head and told me I was perfect and that people were being ugly only because they knew how imperfect they were in comparison. If Old Ben had heard aboutsomeone sabotaging my car, he would’ve jumped out of his seat and fussed over me, making sure I was okay before telling me he’d take care of everything. The thought makes me want to sob.

I’m too tired to get into anything with him right now, though, so as usual, I swallow my anger. I tell myself it’s fine, he’s probably tired, too, after a night of looking after the kids all by himself. And maybe the whole tire thing is too bizarre for him to grasp in the moment, especially after three beers.He still loves you, I assure myself as I trudge up the stairs alone. He just needs some time to…go through whatever it is he’s going through. A midlife crisis? Seven-year itch?

As soon as the thought hits, it spreads like cancer. Is Ben having another affair? Maybe that’s why he can barely stand to look at me. Maybe every time he sees me, he’s wishing I were somebody else. I thought we were beyond this by now. I thought he’d learned his lesson.

My hands are shaking by the time I get inside our bedroom. I sit on the bed alone, gripping the edge of the mattress tight. Mer would know what to say. She always said the right thing. She’d assure me that I’m too hot to be cheated on, or something equally ridiculous that would make me smile. I take out my phone and click on her name. I send just three words.

I miss you.

There is no reply. She’s not going to read it. Nobody holds a grudge quite like Merdoes.

11

MEREDITH

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